A Grimacing Smile

2008-10-03T00:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, I really need to start writing again. I've been falling asleep so late because I just keep thinking about random nothingness.

I am finally employed again. After a bit of harassing, I got a job as a server at Boston Pizza. I should have done this a long time ago. It's kind of embarrassing because last night I got trained by this little boy in grade 10 who hasn't hit puberty yet and reminded me of my brother. Then tonight Roberta trained me as a hostess and I used to be her manager. I'm kind of realizing now how young I look because everyone at work assumes that this is my first job and I'm young. Then on top of all that, I have to grin and bear the awkwardness of "uh, how do you say your name? Shu-vaughn? Serious? I thought it was Sio-bahn." Yeah, I get that all the time. So then to top it off, Craig, the man that fired me from McDonald's, was seated behind the host station and staring at me while I had to walk past him 3259810 times.

I got around to having an allergy test yesterday and wow. Okay, so I had to lie there on my stomach shirtless while the nurse put 40 dots along my spine all the while telling me this is for animals, dust, pollen, etc. then pricks me over and over again then I get to lie there for 20 minutes while my back is burning and itching up a storm to then hear her exclaim "oh look at you lit up like a christmas tree!" so I am allergic to all inhalants. I am one of those sad, weird kids allergic to everything. Dust, pollen, grass, trees, dogs, cats, feathers, life, etc. Now I have the pleasure of getting injections twice a week for four months, then once a month for two years. I don't get it. I have bad ears, eyes, chimpmunk cheeks, a baby face, etc. I need to have at least ONE thing going for me. Right?

and to this day when everything breaks, you are the anchor that holds me

2008-05-01T16:08:00.004-04:00

I won my settlement! They're mailing a check out tomorrow. I have yet to find a job though.

Stars - My Favourite Book

2008-04-23T01:07:00.003-04:00

I haven't had much to update about lately. I finally finished my semester and my exams were pretty rough. I somehow mixed up my first exam because two of my courses had the same course code. So I was thinking it was my psych class when really it was my politics. I felt like a complete idiot. Luckily, it was sort of like my midterm. The essays were mostly about comparing conservatism and liberalism. I headed home to see Kris with a bunch of junk food from my meal card. My parents had gone to California to sort out their relationship or something leaving me to take care of John during exams. Kris has been really great and I love spending time with him. It just all feels really natural.

I slept in for my next exam and by the time I got there it was almost 10am. I figured I wouldn't be able to write the exam anyway, so I tried getting Radiohead tickets in the SLC. I had my account info typed in and the page ready to go so I kept refreshing it because it was literally 9:59. Then I got a message saying my account had been suspended. By the time it was lifted five minutes later they were all sold out. I was really crushed. Radiohead is Kris' all time favourite band, like words can't describe. I walked dejectedly over to the gym where I had to talk to the big scary proctor so that I could write the exam at 4. It was for sociology of poverty and it was the worst exam I've ever written in my life. There was no possible way that I could have studied for it (I didn't even bother) because it was mostly all stats and figures. It was the dumbest thing ever.

Then I got the call from the lady at the labour board. It stirred up all these emotions that I had been trying to get over (see the last post) and so for the last little while I've been trying to get statements from people. I sent an email explaining what was going on to about 50 people that I used to work with:

Hey former employees of McDonald's ;)

So last month I was fired for letting a former employee in the back of wal-mart for literally 5 minutes. I was expecting to get written up or maybe even suspended because I hadn't been in any kind of trouble before. But apparently "it was the biggest breech of policy that I could have committed and they had no choice but to let me go". It's pretty ridiculous because tons of crew and managers have done far worse and gotten away with it, as you well know. The labour board is investigating it and they want me to try to get statements from former crew/managers saying they've witnessed a manager let a non-employee or former crew behind the counter and received no discipline. It doesn't matter if they're still working there now or not, the point is that they aren't being consistent with their policies. If you can remember anything and you'd be willing to write a short statement for me, I would appreciate it so much. Please let me know! And I'd imagine the statement should look something like this:

I, ______, was an employee of Alpine McDonald's from ___ to ___ and I witnessed _____ doing ...

Thanks guys! :)

I have about ten statements so far and there's more people saying they'll write it but haven't gotten around to it. The more the better.

2008-04-23T00:43:00.002-04:00

I could see the road ahead of me. I was poor and I was going to stay poor. But I didn't particularly want money. I didn't know what I wanted. Yes, I did. I wanted someplace to hide out, someplace where one didn't have to do anything. The thought of being something didn't only appall me, it sickened me. The thought of being a lawyer or a councilman or engineer, anything like that, seemed impossible to me. To get married, to have children, to get trapped in the family structure. To go someplace to work every day and to return. It was impossible. To do things, simple things, to be part of family picnics, Christmas, the 4th of July, Labour Day, Mother's Day . . . was a man born just to endure those things and then die? I would rather be a dishwasher, return alone to a tiny room and drink myself to sleep.

Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it

2008-04-15T18:45:00.004-04:00

When will McDonald's stop haunting me? For serious.

The labour board got back to me today and Marion basically said she can't do anything about my lost raises because 'at least they were paying me minimum wage'. WTF. I know for a fact that every other manager except me got their raise after their performance review. And I waited. For 2 months. And they didn't care.

Now I have to do this:
- who terminated you / date / time / what was said / was there a witness (if so who? and will they give a statement?) / how did you calculate the what you state is owed?

If you were given a termination letter - I need a copy of that letter.

Do you have any witnesses that other managers allowed previous employee's behind the counter and were not reprimanded because of it - if so - I need a statement from them.

Ha! So I have to ask my friends to rat themselves out for me? Good luck with that. I mean I know if a bunch of managers came forward she couldn't very well fire them all but that's not going to happen. Um Nicole let her boyfriend (who was on coke) come to the back the other night. Oh, and did I mention he was a previous employee who got fired for stealing a customer's credit card!

Amy, the one who's boyfriend is responsible for all this, apparently feels "really bad about it all". Oh really? Come and fucking say that to my face. If you think you're mature enough to be ENGAGED while living with your fucking douche bag boyfriend and mother (and co-worker) then you should damn well be mature enough to talk to me about it. It's been a fucking month and I haven't spoken to you but I hear it from everybody how fucking sorry you feel. I bet you'd feel sorry if I reported that you gave out your manager's code to Kris while you could smoke in the bathroom. Health violation much? The store can be shut down in a second for that. Some friend you are.

Oh, and Sylvia, the one who yelled at me and reported it to the head manager, has let crew get HIGH during night shift. AND she's had parties with other managers and crew with special brownies. I love how you're an assistant manager.

But yes, I have almost come to terms that letting an ex-crew come sit in the back for five minutes is the biggest breech of policy I could have committed. ALMOST.

This song is the only thing making me feel better. I've been playing it on repeat all day.

MGMT - Kids

slow down lately lives are moving too fast

2008-04-04T01:53:00.004-04:00

A lot has happened since I last updated.

For starters, I got fired. It was a really shitty situation that got hugely blown out of proportion. Basically, in a nut shell, it was because I let my crew watch a movie on my laptop during their break and let this girl we used to work with behind the counter for five minutes. Yep. After four and a half years. I filed a compliant with the labour board because the least they can do is pay me my raises that I didn't get. I felt really frustrated and defeated for a while but I know it's for the best.

It's the end of term, the most stressful time of the year. I had three essays due last month and I was granted extensions because of everything that was going on. I don't really know how well I'm doing in my courses because most of my professors haven't been updating the marks online but I'm not too worried. I have one more essay to write for politics. Then three essays and I'm done.

I've decided not to go to Ireland this summer. The plan was to work full time this month and go at the start of May. But I just sort of stopped thinking about it after I was fired. Yeah, I could have gotten another job but I decided to try to focus on school instead. I just feel like it's not the right time anymore. I want to work a lot and save up money instead of feeling guilty for not earning anything all summer. I'm sure I'll take mini-trips here and there.

On Saturday, I went with Hayley to Phil's, a really gross bar. I only went to see her and our friend Trish because it was her birthday. Before we left she said she didn't want to stay long because Trish's boyfriend Mike beat her up last weekend. Punched her in the nose and she went unconscious after hitting her head from falling back. Oh and did I mention they have a kid together? Just awful. It's hard knowing that she thinks it's okay, it was just a play fight that went too far. She's a really sweet person that deserves nothing but kindness. Turns out that Mike lives with Brandon, the guy from Alberta that I had the most awkward date with back in December. He was there and already pretty drunk. At one point we were standing beside each other and he just kept rambling on about the most pointless things. Hayley noticed that he kept staring at me. After a while we just went outside and never went back. Grabbed some little ceasar's and she slept over. Holy snoring! I was up till like 5 watching White Oleander. I forgot how good that movie is.

I spent most of the weekend with Kris. It was nice. And then to top it off, we had a talk on Tuesday and realized that we like each other. He's my best friend, and I haven't been more comfortable or open with another person before. So I can't really describe how happy I am right now. It's pretty awesome.

The Thrills - Midnight Choir

i'm down if you don't expect any more from me

2008-03-28T00:54:00.003-04:00

My mom and I finally had our counseling appointment yesterday. I was a bit apprehensive about it since I had been waiting for two months so I was worried the things I wanted to say just wouldn't come out the same. We mostly talked about my dad and how much things have changed since he's been back. I don't think she understood my feelings about it and why we haven't spoken. She kept saying she just wanted us to be a family again. And I made it clear that I wasn't sure that could ever happen. Because it's not something we can go back to if we never had it in the first place. I said I wanted the three of us to get close again like we were when he was gone. I used the example of Christmas and how she was just focusing on her friend and not on us or trying to do the traditions we usually did. The counselor asked if we did them last year and if my dad would have interfered. I think that's when it hit my mom. It's always just been the three of us with him on the outside. We do our own thing and he goes on the computer or whatever. She's just been so focused on trying to fix their relationship that she's forgotten about us. We went over at lot in that hour and I was glad that I was able to say the things I wanted to without breaking down. I think I'm just more angry now than upset especially now that it's become habit after two months. I said that I couldn't just hang out with him and pretend that everything is okay. Basically the steps we agreed to take is that I have to be upstairs more and not just in my room by myself and she'll talk to me more and spend time with me and John. I can tell she's trying. I think it was a huge wake up call for her.

Cobra Starship - Keep it Simple

2008-03-26T01:07:00.002-04:00

New hair! It's hard to get a good picture of it but basically it's short in the back with long bangs. I really, really like it. I was afraid to get my hair cut this short but I'm glad I went through with it.

but i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

2008-03-26T00:40:00.004-04:00

Not much happened for Easter. I got some money and a chocolate heart from Valentine's day (thanks, mom) and we went up to Toronto for lunch at my aunt Jacinta's place.
We went to Ireland Park by the harbour and airport.
I think this was supposed to be in the shape of a boat. The screens to explain the park weren't working.
That's my grandma in the background walking around the sculptures. These two french girls were walking through, just got off the plane, and obviously didn't understand what they were looking at. They started taking pictures of themselves imitating the statues. Who were obviously supposed to be depicting poor people, no shoes, begging for food, etc and they were laughing and having a great old time. Meanwhile my grandma is getting all emotional, as she always does when Ireland is brought up, and I seriously wanted to slap them.
These are the names they've recovered of people coming over in 1847. I found 'Mary McGregor' on the website.
It's officially been spring since Thursday but it's still snowing :(

Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

so I can see that look in your eyes the one that shoots me each and every time

2008-03-12T15:56:00.003-04:00

We got a butt load of snow over the weekend! I don't think I've ever seen so much snow in my life.
I worked night shift and all night people were like "wow, I can't believe you're open" yeah me neither! I almost killed myself trying to get there. I got stuck coming out of my driveway. I got super frustrated and started screaming and having a freak out in my car. But the windows were all fogged up and I didn't notice there was these three random guys outside. They were like "hey, you're stuck?" and I'm like "I know, THANKS."
And then they helped me for a good 15 minutes to just get out of the driveway. They must have been drunk or something because they were really nice. Then I got stuck another three times because none of the roads were plowed either. We were only busy for an hour or so. Good thing I brought in my laptop so Rob, Tyler, Koby and I could watch Into the Wild in lobby.
We had the lights turned off for a while so people wouldn't come through drive-thru but then the snow plow lady came to do our parking lot and said our lights were off and I thought she would tell my owner so back on they went. After my shift I couldn't find my keys and had to call my parents in to get me. Turns out I had dropped them in the snow. It had to be that day of all days too.

I've been feeling sluggish and depressed lately so I still haven't finished my projects that were due yesterday. I got extensions but I just really don't want to do them. I'm sort of hoping that they'll magically go away. I'm more focused on my trip than getting through this semester.
Adele - Cold Shoulder

you think you want more than you need, until you have it all you won't be free

2008-03-07T00:31:00.007-05:00

I went to the gym today with Nicole for the first time in about three weeks. We didn't have much of a workout it was more of a catching up sort of thing. On the way home I realized I had an hour and a half left to write my poverty quiz online so I scrambled to get that finished. I managed to pull off an 85%. I have a seven page report due on Tuesday that keep putting off. I got all of my midterms back and I actually did pretty well.
Art: 88%
Poverty: 88%
Politics: 74% (average was 64%!)
Psychopathology: 84%
Lifespan Processes: 85%
Some new stuff that I got. The Buddha Banks were from Nicole for Valentine's day and they're perfect!
I asked my mom today about the money that my grandma saved up for me for school. I was hoping to have some of it for the trip but she was just like "oh that went towards your car!" Kthanx for telling me.
I went to this local vegan store today and it was pretty amazing. I should have gone a long time ago. I also got falalfal mix with pitas and tzatki-like sauce and I'm so excited to make them! I'm pumped to leave mcdonald's. We had a manager's meeting the other day and I guess they're just throwing the concept of healthy out the window. This is what we're getting:

rid of delis
ciabatta sandwiches
cherry shake, pie, sundae
Angus burger to replace the Big Extra (720-860 calories)
McRib (gag! once we make them they're 'good' for TWO HOURS)
replacing the smaller ice cream cone with a larger one
rid of bacon ranch and oriental salads
Rolo and Kit Kat McFlurries
Cinnamon Rolls
iced coffee

You heard it here first people! Oh, I almost forgot to mention, that the deli station (as in the toaster, fridge, toaster oven) that they're getting rid of is worth $20,000. I almost choked on my chocolate easter eggs! That could pay for my tuition! And we used it for a whole two years!
I watched Into the Wild a few days ago with Kris and it was absolutely amazing. Everything was exactly right. It fits the mood that I'm feeling lately really perfectly.
Eddie Vedder - Society

2008-03-06T02:30:00.001-05:00

I think I've found my hostel to stay at.

2008-03-02T22:58:00.003-05:00

Never let someone allow you to be an option, when you consider them a priority.

i'm so far gone now i've been running on empty

2008-02-29T21:33:00.004-05:00

I didn't go to class at all this week. Granted, I only have five but still. I don't really have a good excuse. Evey told me yesterday that she doesn't want to go to Ireland anymore. I was kind of expecting it but it's still a bummer. I just wish she hadn't agreed to it and gotten my hopes up. I think I'll still go. But it's not set in stone. I got my student loan today so that will definitely help if I want to go. As of now I just have to save up for the flight. I also handed in the form to declare my major as social development studies. Little did I know that it's not simply 'declaring' your major but you have to apply for it. Once my marks are in from this term they'll make their decision. To get into the honours program I have to have an overall average of 75% so we'll see. I'm doing well so far, I got in the 80's on all of my midterms. But this month I have all of my assignments due. I should really get started on them soon. Grant and Caitlyn came home this week and I realized how little we all have in common. We're just a group of people that used to work together. We had nothing to talk about except comparing schools (hello, Waterloo wins) and work. It was dull to say the least. And it's weird because when I was drunk on Valentine's and telling all this stuff to Grant (yes, I drank by myself and it was pathetic) he was like "oh you're my best friend so you can tell me stuff." a) we barely ever talk we're not BFF b) when I do tell you stuff you're awkward and don't know what to say.

I don't think I'm in the right mindset to be writing. I think I'll go make nachos and watch Into the Wild.

The Used - Lunacy Fringe

they say you have to have somebody, they say you have to be someone

2008-02-27T22:40:00.003-05:00

Last week was my reading week (I mean SPRING BREAK!!!) and I went to North Bay to visit Evey. It was supposed to be a five and a half hour drive but it was more like four with my excessive speeding. Plus I was talking on the phone with Kris and then I realized what an idiot I was. Cops are everywhere and they could have hidden on those intersections in the middle of the highway. It was a really nice drive after Barrie.

Showing off her culinary skillz. All of her room mates had left so it was just the two of us. She goes to Nipissing but she isn't going back next year. I don't think it's her thing.
Our first dinner. There wasn't much pasta it was mostly chicken haha. It was better than it looks.

Why am I so awesome at in the moment pictures?! Here she was trying to explain the concept of beer pong which practically everyone plays there. It's basically the arctic so what else can they do really. Okay, so they all live in these apartment-style residences. There's 6 roomies on two floors, this was taken in her living room. All of the guys' places are really sketch, they're party houses and you have to leave your shoes on because there's puddles of snow and filth everywhere. We went to this one guys house to play beer pong on the last night and these two guys were smoking up in front of us and it was super awkward. The one kept staring at me and when they all tried to get me to drink he was like "ya then you can get wasted and just crash in my bed." Why the fuck do I attract sleezebags lately?
Valentine's Bear from Hallmark. Hallmark = true love <3>
I think this was supposed to be like a bucket for trick or treating but I found it hilarious.

This is the second night at East Side Mario's for her friend's birthday. Gosh I hanging around twenty people I don't know and will never see again.
Mike, a guy that she likes. I love how he's making so much effort to be close with her for the picture.On the drive home. I listened to a bunch of old remix cd's from high school and it was so weird. Half of the stuff was pop-punk (total Eddie influence) but there was some good stuff like Streetlight Manifesto that's really good for screaming when you're driving at 7pm down the 401.

Nada Surf - I Like What You Say

Stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be

2008-02-27T00:11:00.004-05:00

So I'm really thinking about moving out. I would have to wait a while and I'd need to make some major changes but I'm willing to do it. I feel like I'm living by myself now anyway. I was looking at some ads for apartments in the area and they seem pretty reasonable. The only thing is I would need to find people to live with. And if that doesn't work then I guess I could do some kind of off-campus housing or even residence. I just need to get out of here.

My mom was painting at Brigid's all weekend and got back today. What does she say to me? "It would be nice if you cleaned the bathroom once in a while." Kay, all weekend I was barely ever here. When I got back the place was a fucking mess. They do absolutely nothing. Oh sorry, he does the dishes before you get back. I folded some of John's clothes and put them on his bed and asked him for THREE days to put them away and whenever I ask him to do the smallest chore all I hear is "k I'll do it later". No, not fucking later. Do it now. I want to punch him out so badly. I started screaming at him and then I get: "I don't want a sister!" Fuck this shit. We're so dysfunctional. I'm tired of being blamed for this.

The Weakerthans - Night Windows

2008-02-16T08:08:00.003-05:00

Night shift wasn't so bad (really why else would I be awake at 8am on a Saturday morning?) even though I worked with all guys. I was dreading it, thinking I would have no one to talk to and would be stuck doing all the work. But actually, guys can be better to work with sometimes. Especially when I was feeling shitty from before. Girls at work are all about drama and complaining and it would have made time crawl by. This one guy Mike that I worked with looks super scary and all death-metal-y but he was awesome and pretty much made the night. He was telling us all these awkward sex/drinking/drug/getting his dick pierced stories. So in a nutshell he's done pretty much every drug except heroin and deals it (he recommends acid and says it's not as bad as people make it out to be), he was hit by a car and stabbed himself in the head with a broken beer bottle in one day, I don't know just crazy shit. But THEN out of the blue he was like hey, have you ever seen the Notebook? I can never get past that part where she has to leave him. It makes me cry every time.. I have to turn it off. I've tried four times but I can't do it. I was like awww, I love you for that :)

Now, sleep. Then do it all over again.

2008-02-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm slowly sinking into depression again.

don't be sad I know you will, but don't give up

2008-02-14T19:11:00.005-05:00

I wrote my last midterm today. I dropped off my petition to drop the french course that I failed. I cashed in my $500 check from school for being poor. I waited in line for two hours to get my OSAP. Overall, a fairly accomplished day.
Allie, my ValenTIME. Fuck. This guy Andrew, who I went to school with, on the radio said Valentime like twenty fucking times in a row. If you're going to go on and on about this stupid day at least say it right. While I was waiting in line, an old man came in with flowers and asked where the Registrar's Office was. He was so old and cute. Then I was like aw, maybe today isn't so bad. And THEN on the way home I was stopped at an intersection and I saw a guy get out of his truck and just started fucking screaming at the little white car in front of him. I was thinking oh fuck, another accident. But then they both drove off on the green light and it was just a girl my age biting her nails because she was freaking terrified. Fuck I really hate today. I think I might drink tonight for the hell of it but I don't even think I have enough malibu to feel anything. Lost is the only thing I have to look forward to. That and I have the next week off.

Things that ARE making me happy today:

Paris Hilton's new movie rated the worst of all time
The writer's strike is almost over!
My mom is going to run her friend's new pet store

Matthew Good - True Love Will Find You in the End

so say goodbye to love and hold your head up high

2008-02-13T21:10:00.002-05:00

New hair cut! I really like the way she styled it this time. Normally she does it all poofy and full of hairspray so this is a lot more natural. I haven't been doing much studying today. I love how my high school teachers scared the shit out of me for university, but actually the majority of time they tell me exactly what to study. Like for tomorrow, he gave us a sheet of ten short answers that we have to pick four from. It's pretty much like my developmental psychology class last year so I think I'll be okay.
I am really, really tired of my mom pretending like everything is fine. She asked if I was going to be home tomorrow because she got something for the family. Give me a break. We're hardly a family. And Valentine's Day sure as hell won't fix that. They don't even make dinner for me anymore. John just realized yesterday that we aren't talking because he didn't want to come through my room to tuck him in. It's been a good month.

We were supposed to have a counseling appointment together but she had to work. Now it's rescheduled until March! I can't wait that long. I can't take this anymore. I'm going to try and talk to her on Friday. But it's going to be tough. She won't like it at all.

City & Colour - Waiting

2008-02-12T17:02:00.002-05:00

Okay, this is lame I know, shut up Karina! Everyone else is doing it! No, not really. But I'm bored and I need to make sure I don't have a nap. I think I did okay on my politics midterm. I don't think I've ever used up the whole time for a test before. Usually when the majority of people finish, I freak out and finish up really fast.

Start Time: 5:03 pm

001. What is your name? Siobhan
002. Spell your name backwards: nahbois
003. Date of birth: November 2nd, 1988
004. Male or female? Female
005. Astrological sign: Scorpio
006. Nicknames: Sio, Sha, Bobby (my brother couldn't say my name), Joan, Chevy, Sh-bon-bon, Siobhany
008. Height: Average but I wish I was taller
009. Weight: 125
010. Hair colour: Naturally a dirty blond but it's reddish-brown now
011. Eye colour: Blue
012. Where were you born?
013. Where do you reside now?
015. Screen names: varies
017. What does your screen name stand for?
018. What is your lj name? used to be stardust88 because I'm creative like that
019. What does your Blurty name stand for: blurty?
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? not sure, but I know it wasn't 19
022. Piercings? 0 my ears don't like to heal properly
023. Tattoo's? 0 but I hope to get one eventually
024. Shoe size: 8.5
025. Righty or lefty? Righty
026. Wearing: PJs and sweater
027. Hearing: Metric - Hustle Rose
028. Feeling: Cold, anxious for my last midterm
029. Eating/drinking: Water

Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff

061. Have you ever been in love? Yes.
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? 3?
063. How many people have you been in love with? probably 1
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? Not that I know of!
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? No my brother is younger than me
116. Are your parents divorced? No
117. Do you have step parents? No
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? Yeah, there's a few people on each side that we don't talk to and vice versa.
119. If so for what? My uncle isn't involved with the family and I don't really know much else, my aunt is moouching severely off my grandma and there's no way she can pay her back so my mom and aunt are pissed.
120. Did some of your family come to Canada from another country? England, Ireland and South Africa.

Music Stuff

121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? Depends on the mood. I guess Bittersweet Symphony describes how I'm feeling most of the time.
122. What's the most embarrasing cd you own? I was going through them the other day actually. Apparently I had a thing for European pop music when I was little. Like the Spice Girls (obviously) Blue, Five, Bewitched, etc.
123. What's the best cd you own? Probably Matt Good. I hardly own any cds.
124. What song do you absolutely hate? Soulja Boy comes to mind.
125. Do you sing in the shower? On good days when I'm not in a hurry.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone? I don't know.

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Tell Me If You Like Them Or Not!

127. Pink: Used to but not really my thing.
128. Aerosmith: That one song but it reminds me of Kristina singing to Mat so it kind of ruins it for me.
129. Madonna: Well she's a classic. I like that song Hung Up a lot.
130. Korn: No.
131. Backstreet Boys: I saw them in concert a few years ago haha.
132. The Beatles: They're alright.
133. Sublime: Meh
134. J.Lo: No.
135. Nsync: No, true BSB fan all the way.
136. Limp Bizkit: Ha
137. Britney Spears: I'm miss American dream since I was 17...
138. Creed: Omg
139. Enrique Iglesias: No but his ping pong song or whatever it is reminds me of Rob & Big
140. Good Charlotte: No
141. Christina Aguilera: No
143. New Found Glory: haha total Eddie
144. Kelly Clarkston: No
145. Kelly Osbourne: Is she really still considered an artist
146. Mandy Moore: Aw Mandy. But no
147. Eve: No
148. Aaliyah: No
149. Nelly: No
150. Alicia Keys: ?
151. Incubus: They're ok

Favorites
((i know that someone probably can't fill this part out. you can skip it))

152. Colour: Yellow
153. Food: pizza
154. Song: Bittersweet Symphony
155. Show: Tied between The Office and Lost
156. School subject: This semester, psychopathology
157. Band/singer: Coldplay
158. Animal: Dog
159. Outfit: I usually wear a hoodie and jeans but I like looking dressy and classy too when I can!
160. Radio station: 102.1 The Edge, 91.5 The Beat, 88.3 CJIQ
161. Movie: There's a lot but Juno is the latest
162. Pair of shoes: Slip ons!
163. Cartoon: South Park
164. Actor: Not sure
165. Day of the week: Sunday
166. Potato chips: Dill pickle
167. Drink: Water or orange juice
168. Alcholic drink: Malibu
169. Holiday: Christmas I guess
170. Perfume/cologne: Clinque
171. Pizza topping: Cheeeese
172. Jello flavor: Strawberry
173. Lunch meat: No meat for me
174. Board game: Don't play any
175. Video game: uh Spyro? or Harry Potter haha
176. Website: Facebook, Blogger, Post Secret
177. Book: 1984
178. Computer game: The Sims
179. Number: 8
180. Cereal: Lucky Charms
181. Comedian: Adam Sandler
182. Dessert: Ice Cream.
183. Disney character: hmm
184. Clothing store: American Eagle.
185. Memory: Hard to think of one.
186. Teacher: Prof Ennis and Dawson
187. Childhood toy: Simpson dolls
188. Playland game/ride: Ghoster Coaster
189. Candy bar: Crunchie
190. Magazine: Seventeen
191. Salad dressing: Caesar
192. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep and watch movies
193. Hot drink: Not much of a hot beverage girl
194. Season: Spring
195. Sport to watch: Figure skating
196. Person to talk to online: Karina

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits

197. What colour are your sheets? Gold
198. What colour are your bedroom walls? Brown
199. Do you have posters on your wall? No just my calendar
200. If so of what?
201. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Yep
202. How many pillows are on your bed? 3.
203. What do you normally sleep in? PJs.
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: Green plaid pants and t-shirt
205. What size bed do you have? Double
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? No gross
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? No who does that anymore
208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? Not anymore.
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: I backed into a red car.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, I never really have.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? Easily two
212. Do you sleep weird? No but I have to fall asleep on my side.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? No.
214. Do you snore? I don't think so
215. How about drool? Everybody drools occasionally.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? Yes I hate alarm clocks!
217. What colour is the carpet in your room? Beige
218. What an odd ? huh?

This or that

219. Beach/mountains: Beach
220. Donuts/bagels? Bagels
221. Day/night: Night
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: The not-dead one.
223. Heaven/hell: lolz
224. Make love/have sex: lolz is this a srs question
225. Coffee/tea: Neither
228. Britney/Christina: Britney is more entertaining
229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Real World for sure
231. Backstreet Boys/Nsync: BSB
232. Silver/gold: Silver.
233. Nike/Adidas: Neither
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet.
236. Punk/emo: Hard question! Emo I guess
237. Hot/cold: Hot
238. Winter/summer: Summer
239. Spring/fall: Spring
240. Operas/plays: Plays.
241. Read/watch tv: Read
242. Cd's/tapes: CDS
243. Dvd's/vhs: DVDS
244. Old/new: new
245. Shorts/skirts: shorts.
247. Coloured pictures/black and white photos: coloured
248. Meat/vegetables: Vegetables
249. Mexican food/chinese: Mexican.
250. Commercials/infomercials: Lame
251. Scary movies/comedies: Both but it depends on the mood
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: Sandals.
254. Dogs/cats: Dogs.
255. Unicorns/fairies: fairies
256. Water/land: land
257. Sugar/spice: Sugar
258. Black/white: White
259. ribbons/bows: Lame!
260. Chicken/beef: Chicken
261. Coloured christmas lights/white christmas lights: Coloured
262. Cars/trucks: Cars
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: Austin Powers.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Popcorn
265. Hip/hop: lolz
266. Passionate kiss/peck: Kiss
267. WWE wrestling/real wrestling: Neither.
268. Back rub/foot massage: Either! I could go for one right now.
269. Picture frames/photo albums: Albums.
270. Pens/pencils: Pencils.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following

271. Eminem: His slower songs are good
272. Virgins: Amazing?
273. God: I don't think I believe
274. The Osbournes: Funny
275. Reality TV: Depends on the show
276. J.Lo: Extravagant
277. Religion: interesting
278. Emo music: Sometimes okay
279. Valentine's Day: lame!
280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: don't care
281. Homosexuals: Love is love
282. Abortion: Pro-choice.
283: Inter-racial relationships?: Sure.
284. Murder: Wrong
285. Death: This is your life and it's ending one second at a time
286. Obesity: Entirely preventable
287. Pre-marital sex: Happens all the time.. I don't believe in marriage so
288. Terrorism: sad, chaotic, messy
289. Pornography: On the radio they said they found 4,000 computers in Toronto alone with child porn!
290. Fortune tellers: I'm still not convinced
292. Prostitution: sad and scary
293. Politics: Still trying to figure that out
294. Country music: oh man
295. George W. Bush: wow
296. Cloning: on the fence
297. Britney's boobs: ?
298. Gas prices in Canada: high

Name Game

What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?
299. Jack: Black
300. Tiffany: Co.
301. Ben: cousin
302. Maria:
303. Jennifer: Aniston
304. Nicole: Good friend of mine
305. Amy: Friend that is always sick!
306. Adam: and Eve.
307. Richard: Arrested Development
308. Justin: JT!
309. Arnold: Hey Arnold!
310. Tom: Kat
311. Melissa: Missy
312. Charlotte: Sex & the City
313. Harold:
314. John: Bro
315. Joel: guy from work
316. Vanessa: vinegar
317. Michelle:
318. Kevin: jail bait
319. Brent:
320. Jake: Gyllenhal
321. Billy:
322. Sarah: Ryan
323. Natalie: girl from work
324. Christi: Laguna
325. Nick: Crack
326. Lindsay: girl from work
327. Taylor: Laguna
328. Jordan: girl from work!
329. Jamie: bff from grade 8
330. Christian: Ventura

Have You Ever

331. Mooned anyone? No
332. Been on a diet? No.
333. Been to a foreign country? Ireland, Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Caymen
334. Broken a bone? Not yet...
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? No.
336. Swear at a teacher? Not to their face
337. Talked to a lj member via e-mails or instant messages? No
339. Dated a teacher? No
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yeah
341. Thought about killing your enemy? Probably
342. Gone skinny dipping? No
343. Met another Blurty member in the flesh? What? No
344. Told a little white lie? Yes
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? Probably
346. Stolen anything? Yes from work
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? Yes
348. Been on TV? I was in a commercial when I was a kid but they taped over it
349. Been on the radio? No
350. Been in a mosh pit? Yes! I was terrified
351. Been to a concert? Yes: Taste of Chaos, Sum41, Avril, BSB, Taking Back Sunday, Matt Good
352. Dated one of your best friends? No
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? Yes
354. Decieved somebody close to you? Yes
355. Broken the law? Yes I speed all the time
356. Been to a rodeo? No
357. Been on a talk show? No.
358. Been on a game show? No
359. Been on an airplane? Yep
360. Got to ride on a firetruck? No but I went through one with my jk class
361. Came close to dying? No
362. Cheated on a bf/gf? No
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? Yes
364. Terrorized a babysitter? No?
365. Made a mud pie? No
366. Had a dream that your falling off a cliff? I dream of falling and flying a lot
367. Snuck out of the house at night? Yes for Nick's party oi oi
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? No.
369. Had an eating disorder? No
370. Felt like you didn't belong? It happens.
372. Smoked? No
373. Done drugs? No
374. Been arrested? No
375. Had your tonsils removed? No
376. Gone to camp? No but I was a camp leader
377. Won a bet? Yes
378. Written a love letter? Yep
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? Yep
380. Written a love poem? No.
381. Kissed in the rain? No
382. Slow danced with someone you love? Yes
383. Participated in cyber? No
384. Faked an orgasm? No
385. Stolen a kiss? No
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? Obviously, I just did
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? No
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love? Yeah
389. Gotten a speeding ticket? No
390. Done jail time? No.
391. Had to wear a uniform to work? Yes.
392. Won a trophy? Yes for skating
393. Thrown up in public? At Disney!
394. Bowled a perfect game? No
395. Failed/got held back? French
396. Got perfect attendance in school? In grade 3 then I was sick for the next three days
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? No
398. Taken ballet lessons? Yes for a year but I got growing pains a lot
399. Attempted suicide? No.
400. Cut yourself? No.

Childhood Stuff

401. Did you play with Barbies? No but everyone bought them for me and I never knew what to do with them.
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? One I think
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? No never
404. Did you play Simon Says? Yes and all the time last summer
405. Did you watch Fraggle Rock? No but I read the books
406. Did you wet the bed? At some point, probably.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? Yes
408. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them? No
409. Were you shy? yaaa
410. Were you spoiled? Yes I was an only child until the age of 7
411. Were you abused? No.
412. Did you go to the circus? Yes at the arena and I hated that the elephants were chained up
413. Did you go to the zoo? No my mom hates them and I probably would too
414. Were you in a car accident? No
415. Did you build snowmen? Yes
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? Yes..
417. Were your older cousins mean to you? Yeah because I was the youngest on my dad's side and no one knew what to do with me because I just sat there and listened
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? No
420. Were you afraid of the dark? Yes!!
421. Did you have slumber parties? Yes they were the best
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, curtains, sleeping bags,dolls and pajamas? No.
423. Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany? No
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? Yes
425. Do you believe in aliens? Not really
426. Name three things that are next to your computer: light, candle, phone
427. Do you have any hidden talents? I can wiggle my ears
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? No much music is good for that
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? Comedy, probably.
430. What would your movie star name be? Siobhan is original enough
431. Do you play any sports? No
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Probably the first time I saw Saw
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? Juno
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? That one with Aalyiah and vampires trying to become rock stars
435. Do you drive? Yep
436. What is your dream car? Maybe a mini cooper
437. Do you think your good looking? Sometimes
438. Do others think you are good looking? I guess?
439. Would you ever sky dive? I think so
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? No
441. How many rooms do you have in your house? Not that many
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? No I love em
443. Do you believe in God? Not at the moment
444. Do you believe in Satan? No
445. Do you believe there is a heaven? No
446. Do you believe there is a hell? No
447. Do you own a pooltable? No
448. Do you have a pool? No
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? No.
450. Do you like chocolate? Yessssss
451. Who/what is on your 2007 calendar? University of Waterloo, woot
452. How many U.S. states have you been to? A lot, we used to drive to Florida every year and I've been to Vegas a few times
453. Ever wished on a shooting star? No
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? Hippie in grade 5
455. Do you carry any weapons on you? No.
456. What is your weakness? I can be too nice and can't say no
457. Name something you can't get enough of: sleep
458. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: easygoing, friendly, quiet
459. How many kids do you want to have? two
460. Future daughters names: I have some I like that I can't think of, probably Irish names though
461. Future sons names: I liked Tristan
462. What is your ideal way to die? happy with no regrets
463. How do you release stress? veg out and watch movies or write
464. Are you a trendy person? Not really
465. Are you an artisitic person? No
466. Are you a realistic person? Usually
467. Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off? No I love slip-ons
468. Are you a strong person? No but I'm getting there
469. Are you a strong willed person? Yes.
470. Who is the last person to e-mail you? school
471. Who is the last person to IM you? Josh
472. Do you hate chain e-mails? YES
473. Are you a deep sleeper? Once I get to sleep, yes.
474. Are you a good story teller? If I'm hyper
475. What do you believe is your best quality? I can read people pretty well and give decent advice
476. What is your greatest accomplishment? Getting this far in university, for sure!
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles, I usually burn one when I'm doing homework
478. Do you do yoga? No.
479. Do you have your own credit card? Yep
480. Let's say you win the lotto? Pay for school, invest a bunch in high-interest savings, travel, donate, buy a house
481. Do you have a check book? No
482. Do you like your driver? hmm
483. Do you tan easily? No! I've been tan about twice in my lifetime
484. What colour is your hair naturally? Sandy brown.
485. How many fillings do you have? none
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? None.
487. Worst feeling in the world? Rejection.
488. Best feeling in the world? Love
490. Last thing you downloaded? Silversun Pickups
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? Yep in lame ways
492. What do you think people think of you? They say I'm nice, friendly, hard worker
493. Are you a likeable person? So I'm told.
494. Do you need therapy? Yes
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? Yes
496. What the best way to be proposed to? Not sure, but not corny
497. What kind of movie would you strge, would they call it Fed UPS? huh?
499. When are you moving? I really hope to move out soon but it's doubtful
500. End Time? 2:36 am

2008-02-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

I think I did really well on my history of art midterm! I was worried because I couldn't remember the years that the paintings were done but I used tricks to remember them. I'm starting to really like that class. One down, two to go!

One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea

2008-02-10T02:00:00.000-05:00

I started a list of things to do in my life last week instead of studying for my psychopathology test. Here goes:

Get published
Visit a prison
Have a pen pal
Visit family in Africa
Overcome a fear
Read 100 Greatest Novels
Adopt a child
Become a regular somewhere
Go to teacher's college overseas
Go to India, Greece, England, Japan, Australia, France
Volunteer abroad
Donate blood/bone marrow
Go snorkeling
Train a seeing eye dog
Get a really short haircut
Get a tattoo
Meet a celebrity
Become known for something
Keep a dream diary
Visit a concentration camp
Get 90% in a course
Adopt a pet
Take a risk
Find love
Swim with dolphins
Experiment with interior design

I found this one from three years ago:

[1] learn to play an instrument
[2] ride a horse
[3] be hypnotized
[4] save a life
[5] swim with dolphins
[6] travel in Europe
[7] own a unique pet
[8] surf
[9] bungee jump
[10] ride a gondola
[11] sing a song for someone
[12] see coldplay and U2 in concert
[13] truly live a day like its my last
[14] ride in a horse and carriage

Stars - Calendar Girl

Alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

2008-02-08T02:01:00.000-05:00

My day went pretty well. I went out for lunch with Nicole and Jess to this place downtown called Marbles. It was pretty cute and there were pictures of kids playing with marbles everywhere. We were all wearing a yellow top for some crazy reason and our waitress was like, "so, um, we were all talking.. and just wondering why you're all wearing yellow?" We should have said we were apart of some lame club or something. We had this amazing banana chocolate chip cake for dessert, wow. After we went to the gym and ended up playing squash. We didn't even know how to play it really, and I couldn't take it seriously with the goggles so they didn't last long. Every time we missed or the ball didn't bounce back we would have to do jumping jacks or do shuttle runs. It was my idea to fit 'cardio' in but it wasn't fun near the end let me tell you.

I wrote my poverty exam and got an 88% on it. Pretty psyched about that, except I had to look up all the answers because it was like: "what was the rate of poverty in such and such year". So I'm going to do ridiculously bad on the exam. I have three fucking midterms next week that I have yet to study for! Crap.

I went into work to get my review. Amanda was doing them for the first time and we talked for like an hour. It went really well actually. I was kind of worried because Jess only got a 20 cent raise (mainly because a boss came in and caught her throwing a spitball.. up at the front) but I got 40 cents. Woohoo.. But hey it adds up. She was like, "I'm really happy that you're back! All the crew really like you and respect you. They had all these good things to say about you at the rap session and I was really happy to hear them. They said you were really nice and talkative and worked alongside them." I was practically beaming. Sort of like when Miranda on Grey's got promoted to Chief Resident. Except for the awkward hug. I mean, obviously I'm one of the best swing managers (no, really) but it's nice to hear it once and a while especially when I'm used to hearing all about the negative things.

I've been having pretty bad insomnia lately. Last night I was up until 5:30am and I haven't been to my morning class in a while. Which is bad because he takes attendance. I just finished watching Reign Over Me and wow, completely heartbreaking. Definitely cried. It's probably the best serious Adam Sandler role. It got to the point where I didn't even remember it was him.

The Decemberists - Here I Dreamt I was an Architect

because the keys to the kingdom got lost inside the kingdom

2008-02-06T23:17:00.001-05:00

Taking a break from studying. Actually, no I shouldn't call it that. It's more like writing everything down and using a ton of sticky notes to get ready for my online midterm. I feel sort of bad doing that, but then I don't at the same time.

I'm doing well (so far). I got an 83% on my first psychopathology midterm. Yes, it is as cool as it sounds. The test was about anxiety disorders (panic disorders, generalized anxiety, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder), dissociative and somative disorders (amnesia, multiple personalities, somataform, conversion, body dysmorphic disorder, pain disorder). I don't know why I felt the need to type all that out, but basically I'm learning about some crazy shit. Our bodies and minds are capable of extraordinary things, to say in the least.

I got 75% on my poverty assignment, but that was only because Steve did that for me. And I got 70% on my last art quiz. Here's some of my favourite pictures so far:

Edouard Manet, A Bar at the Folies-Bergere, 1882

Mary Cassatt, The Boating Party, 1893.

Georges Seurat, A Sunday Afternoon on the Island
of the Grande Jatte, 1884.

Gustav Courbet, The Studio of the Painter: A Real Allegory
Summing up Seven Years of My Artistic Life, 1854.

Edouard Manet, Olympia, 1863.

Josh Ritter - Girl in the War

oh happiness! i never thought you'd exist in a simple dance and kiss

2008-02-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago Two Liner played their last show. I was kind of worried because I knew rj would be there with his whole gang. And there he was. With his mohawk and bandanna. We didn't talk, obviously. I knew we wouldn't after our last conversation. Anyway, Lifestory Monologue opened with Dancing & Kisses. I could see him dancing the whole time and looking like an idiot. Before they started playing they said they were dedicating the song to peace and love "because there's not enough of it in this world." Yeah,it was cheesy but it fit. That's why I love going to shows (well, some of them). The music just takes you over and consumes you. I was looking at him and thinking about all the pain and shit he had put me through and I decided to let it all go. I was going to try my best to forgive him.

So why did I have a feeling he would start talking to me last night?

him: are you still on my msn
me: yeah
hmm alright. that's it...
i think i'm going to delete you. i was just wondering if there was a reason for us to talk. there isn't
okay? why did you have to start talking
to know if you still had me online.
duh
bye
obviously if you can see me online
not necessarily. because if you deleted me it doesnt mean i cant see you
unless you blocked me
which you might not have
i dont really care. bye

As much as this talk should have gotten to me and pissed me right off, I didn't let it. It actually made me feel better. Because I'm the bigger person. Because I don't feel bitter anymore. This is how I explained it later:

and if you shake her heart enough she will appear says:
he's honestly the hardest person i've ever had to deal with in my entire life

he obviously didn't have to start that conversation to delete me. if he was civil he would have just done it. but he wants to start shit and show how much he doesn't care

and then fucking get offline to have the last word
i sent him an email saying "i don't really care if we talk either. but it would be nice if you weren't so bitter because you really have no reason to be
if i can't forgive him the least i can do (for myself at least) is to not put up with it anymore. the way i see it is him being angry and bitter just shows how immature and that he still has some kind of feelings toward me

i don't want to be angry towards him i want to feel nothing!

i've been angry at him for a really long time and i'm trying to let it go. i'd rather just feel indifferent towards him'

all that anger is doing nothing for me anyway, it's not healthy

i'm trying to be the bigger person here

if i yell at him he won't respond. he'll just think haha stupid pathetic bitch still likes me
because he thinks everything revolves around him and i know he still thinks i have feelings for him

2008-01-23T22:30:00.001-05:00

Things are going to get ugly.

all i can do is try

2008-01-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

I had a counseling appointment today. My Mom set it up for me. I think she thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and start talking to my dad. She always seems to find a way to twist things around and blame things on me.

I mostly talked about my dad and how unhappy I am that he's back. I feel like it's ruined all the progress we've made. This doesn't feel like home anymore. When she asked me what my plans are for the next few years I said probably staying at home. And as I said that I felt so sad. If I could move out now I probably would. I could easily get a bigger loan and start working more hours but then I would have to sacrifice my grades. This sucks.

I realized during the session how much I love John. Because the only time I got close to crying was when I was talking about him. Obviously I've always loved him, but he's just been there. It's hard to relate to him and talk to him but still. I love him so much and I'm worried about how all this is affecting him.

Fiona, the counselor, was pretty nice. She talked more than the university counselor did and was more engaged it seemed. She's had sessions with my mom and John before. She said it would probably be a good idea to talk to my Mom and find out what's going on in regards to him. And to tell her how important family is to me and I don't want to lose what the three of us developed over the past three months. She said that it's their decision about staying together or not but it's up to me whether to talk to him or not. I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't think he's going to change and it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up and left again. Although he lost his job recently. I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

I really wish we all knew how to talk to each other. Communication is the biggest problem we have. And I think everything stems from that. So much easier said than done.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I told her my depression hasn't really gotten much worse. I was terrible last year and just let everything slip away and I don't want to go through that again. I'm trying not to let him affect everything. I've been going to all my classes (mostly because they take attendance as part of my grade but it's good) talking to friends and going to the gym regularly. I think it's helped a lot.

what? honest to blog?

2008-01-19T00:22:00.000-05:00

I took this test for my politics class. I thought it would be interesting to post. I hope I like this class since I feel like I don't know much about politics enough to follow it.

Nothing much to report. Still avoiding the parents. I've been in bed pretty much all day. I watched Juno! With Dwight and Michael and George Michael! Not enough Michael Cera for my taste though, only downside.

That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

new semester, fresh start

2008-01-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

FINE 112
Modern Art, 1874-1945
A study of the culture of Europe and North America from 1874 (Impressionism) to 1945 (Nazi propaganda) with particular focus on the visual arts. Topics such as primitivism', Cubism, 'abstraction', artists' reactions to calamitous world events such as World War I, and various methodologies, including semiotic and Marxist analyses, will be explored through reading and writing assignments.

ISS 150
Lifespan Processes: The Normal Events
An examination of the significant psychosocial events during the lifespan with consideration of the impact of crises. Topics may include attachment, loss, stress, identity crisis, role change, mid-life transition.

ISS 131
Social Ideas, Social Policy and Political Practice
An introduction to some of the major social and political ideas of Western Civilization. Attention is given to the influence and applicability of these ideas to social policy and political practice in contemporary Canada.

PSYCH 323
Psychopathology
This course will survey various categories of abnormal or deviant behaviour such as personality, mood, and psychophysiological disorders; schizophrenia, anxiety, somatoform and dissociative disorders. Clinical methods including assessment, diagnosis, interventions and treatment outcomes will also be considered.

SOC 224
Poverty in Canada and its Social Consequences
A sociological analysis of poverty in contemporary Canada as it underlies a multiplicity of interlocking social problems.

Personally, I've always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.

2008-01-12T20:43:00.000-05:00

McDonald's Christmas party at Jack Astor's

The second guy on the left is Alex, the one people think I was engaged to.
Holly is basically a model. It pisses me off how perfect she is!

"It's not my birthday!!"

That's Rick the owner on the right.

Whoa, this caught me off guard in the bathroom.

Christmas presents. For my mom

Mom
Karina & Josh
From Toronto last weekend.

Hayley.

Nicole.
Cookies for Alyson, Peter, Steve and Holly.

In a flash I have my new year's resolution - aim higher.

"Alfie"

maybe the best proof that language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling

2008-01-10T22:01:00.000-05:00

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling right now.

The other night I was on the phone with Kris. My dad came through my room to tuck John in, he gave me this sad look and a kiss on the cheek. Remember, I haven't seen him in almost two and a half months. A few hours later I go up to the kitchen and I realize that it's midnight and that his car is still here. What the fuck is going on.

The next day at work I called my mom. She said that he had asked for forgiveness and I asked what that meant. Basically, now he's living here again. Just like that. It didn't take much. I am absolutely crushed. We all worked so hard to get to the point that we're at now. We're not great, but we were okay. We were independent and getting through it on our own terms. Now, he's come back to fuck it all up. I don't think I've ever been more honest with my mother before. It helped that it was over the phone. I said that I don't love him, he's not apart of my life at all and that I'm fine with that. I don't think he can change. This has happened THREE times in the past year that he was caught, felt bad, came to me crying and said he would change. Not once in all these years have I seen even a hint of improvement from him. I don't think he's going to change. I don't even know if he's capable of it. Of course John is elated about this. Every child will hope that their parents will get back together. I told her to be careful of what she's doing. Because if he goes through that again and he leaves, he will be even more messed up than he is now.

She didn't have a lot of answers for me. She was pretty silent through the whole thing actually. I think she wanted to agree with me but mostly all she said was "I have to follow my heart and forgive him" I don't even know how she could forgive him. Who knows how many times this has happened. And the way he treated her while he was gone was unbelievable. And now everthing is magically fixed? Now he's agreeing to get help? He's fucking lonely and scared. That doesn't count for anything.

2007-12-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

The truth? I don't miss you.

I was dreading to go to the family dinner tonight for my dad's side of the family. Thankfully he wasn't there. Neither was my mom. The hugs were longer than normal. Afterwards I would see pity all over their faces. Don't even bother. It happened months ago and you weren't there for me then. I'll survive.

It could have bothered me that you weren't there. But I thought about it, and really there wasn't much of a difference. You would have been downstairs or on the computer isolating yourself. And wanting to leave straight after dinner. I can not stand how unsociable you are especially around your own family. I try so hard not to be like you.

our love's floating out the window

2007-12-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

I still can't believe I'm back at work. I hope I've finally learned my lesson this time. So there's this rumor that I quit because I couldn't stand working with my ex-boyfriend Alex. Alex, who is a new manager and reminds me a whole lot of a rat, has talked to me maybe twice and I've never worked with him. Nicole is trying to figure out where it came from. But I'm pretty sure this is the first rumor I've been in. Also, a lot of the part-time crew hate me. They think I'm new (and magically know all the stations and in uniform?) and that I'm a bitch when I ask them to do stuff. It's pretty funny. I didn't bother to introduce myself to anyone so I can see where that came from. But I haven't been particularly rude to anyone besides two guys. Well, really it started off as me trying to joke around but with my sarcastic and dry sense of humor I'm pretty sure they took it the wrong way.. this guy Jem kept giving me attitude over it so I pulled him into the office and talked to him. I think he was surprised that I said anything so he didn't say much.

Oh! And the first time some of the part-timers saw me they were talking about me in the crew room trying to figure out who I was. Nathan told them and they were like "Her name is Siobhan? That's totally a black name." WTF! I was laughing over that for a good hour.

Some other quick updates that I don't really feel like writing much about:

I lost my cell phone the other night. I fucking hate losing things. I know if I replace it it'll just turn up the next day.
My laptop is going to cost $250 to fix because it's not covered on the warranty. Thanks.
My Mom got a new job as a courier driver. I'm glad it's steady work and that it won't be so physical. I think she starts next month.
We had our Christmas dinner for work last night. I was pissed because I was sitting at the end of the big ass table with the old people. All the cool people were in the middle and I couldn't hear their conversation. I got this sweet thai sesame chicken (hey it was free) and everyone else got like chicken and fries? Come on people. I wasn't apart of the secret santa (wasn't last year either) but Violet got me an Old Navy giftcard. Sweet. Jess told the servers that it was Amanda's birthday since she was at the head of the table and she freaked out haha. I'll post pictures when I get my freakin laptop back.

cash rules everything around me

2007-12-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

My Mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. My Dad went back to Florida again this weekend to see the girl that he meet online. He went there for the first time like two weeks after he moved out. And once I found out that was going on, I was incredibly hurt. I haven't spoken to him since then. So anyway, he's there again. And yet, he constantly complains that he doesn't have any money. My Mom thinks he's going to move down there for good.

Even before this weekend though, she's been incredibly moody. Her moods can change in a split second. If she gets annoyed with me over whatever, she immediately says something like "you're not being nice to me! or you never help out around the house!" When really, all I do when she comes down to talk to me is listen to her. She doesn't ask me anything about what's going on like with work or how my exams went. And yeah, I'm not constantly cleaning up after myself but I go to school and I have a job? I pick up John from school all the time and do shit without being asked. It's just her way of blaming everything wrong on me. Which she's done for years.

Two nights ago she asked me to look over a profile that she had written for plentyoffish.com and I was just watching What Not to Wear because I was exhausted from working. I was like "uhh Mom that's kind of awkward for me to be doing". That's literally all I said. She went into John's room for a minute and came back with her face all red and yelling "don't ask me to help you out with anything!!" and slammed the door of my room so fucking hard. I wanted to scream at her but I started crying out of pure shock. I could not believe that she didn't understand how I didn't want to be involved with that aspect of her life. I've already told her that she should probably wait a while to even start thinking about that sort of thing. She's so childish and hard to talk to. I haven't talked to her since.

She went upstairs and started yelling at John for something or other. He came down and started saying that he hated her and wanted her out of his life. It killed me because they had just been to a counselling session that day. And even though she had listened to all the shit and pressure that he's going through she still did nothing to improve how she talks to him.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl

all the stars point me to you and lately they just drive me crazy

2007-12-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

Updates:

I got 78% overall in social psychology.

John is worrying me and my mom is driving me crazy.
I made Malteaser Cookies but they aren't chocolate-y enough for me.

I'm cursed. I should drop out of school and realize my fate of becoming a lifer.

Matt Costa - Behind the Moon

waiting and hoping to find what i can't figure out yet

2007-12-03T17:06:00.000-05:00

I went to the gym for the first time yesterday with my friend Nicole. She was trying to show me all these exercises and how to work out. I was like "I think everyone is looking and me and laughing" and she said "well, that's because they are!" I felt really pathetic. Some lady who must have been in her 60's at least was totally showing me up. And now today I'm sore all over. Does this happen every time after you work out? Because it really doesn't motivate me to go back again.

Today I wrote my last social psychology midterm. Some of the questions were pretty stupid and I feel like I guessed a lot. But it was the last day of classes! Then I went to pay for my $25 parking ticket and the lady was like do you PROMISE to pay and display? And then she didn't make me pay so I was happy.

Even though I don't talk to him anymore I dream almost every night that we get back together. What's the deal with that?

Straylight Run - Now it's Done

2007-12-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

How did I spend my Saturday night? Watching American History X and baking these:

Banana Oatmeal Cookies
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

one day you'll be just like us

2007-12-02T02:12:00.000-05:00

I'm actually really afraid of this happening. With a guy, or with anyone really.
I haven't done too much this week. I met with a lady to talk about majoring in social development studies and it looks like I'll have to go for four years and then a year of teacher's college. I'm kicking myself right now for not going to laurier. But oh well. We had to go over all of my marks and I was freaking out inside but she actually called me a bright student?! I mean, I was in high school but my marks have gone down dramatically since then. And I dropped tons of courses last year. She told me I should petition to drop my french course that I failed over the summer so that it won't affect my overall average. I got a bunch of brochures for teacher's colleges overseas. None of them say exactly how much it would cost but somewhere between $12,000 - $19,000 depending on the area I lived in. Damn, but apparently in Australia the costs of living are on par with Canada. It's a long way off but I like thinking about it.
Metric - The List

2007-11-28T18:25:00.001-05:00

I went on a DATE last night. My first one ever. And boy was it awful.

First things first, when I went to pick him up (ps. he doesn't even have his g1 yet) he sees me and smacks his forehead. Which could mean one of two things: what the fuck have I gotten myself into? Or damn, I forgot how hot she is. I haven't decided which one it is yet.

So I knew this guy before he moved out west but we lost touch. We were friends before and I always felt a connection there. I was thinking things were going to be good, no problem.

We went to Molly Bloom's because Karina was working and I thought she could ease the tension a bit. Plus she wanted to be a creeper and spy on me. BUT I forgot that she told me it was college night, meaning the place was packed full of 19 year-old preppy guys and girls dressed like they were at a night club for cheap wings and beer and some kind of contest to win $1000. Great.

It took a good 20 minutes for our waitress to come over. During this time, he proceeded to tell me how things ended with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. Basically he lived with this girl for a year and a half. She worked at a daycare and wanted to become a teacher (okay.. souns like me..). But then she started babysitting this 5 year old kid and spending the night at this guy's house. He let this happen for a month and a half while his suspicions grew. But didn't talk to her about it. Okay. I can see where this is heading. Then she asks him to come home and the father is there (who is 40) and tells him it's over. So they get into a fight and he trashes his van. The whole time I'm like "oh.. that blows. ...So that's why you wanted to leave then?" What the hell do you expect me to say to that!

By this time his wings and beer have come (awesome) along with my undercooked fries. Karina's shift was over and I was like "hey you should invite Josh in and stay a while!" kicking her under the table and texting Josh. Thank god they stayed overwise I don't know what would have happened.

So the guys were all into watching the hockey game and I basically talked to Karina and ignored him. I just wasn't feeling it at all. I wanted to leave really bad. The conversation was all about him and he didn't ask me any questions about me at all.

Oh wait, sorry. He did ask me one question on the drive home. "So, uh, when do you have school tomorrow?" Um, are you joking? I was like "well I don't start till 2:30. But I go until 10pm. So it's a loooong day!"

He could probably tell I wasn't feeling it at all. I pulled up beside the complex and (while keeping my hands on the steering wheel and the car running) said "well it was nice seeing you!" He didn't try to make a move thank god. I think if he tries seeing me again I'll tell him he's a nice guy but I don't want to be some rebound. He's obviously bitter and not over his girlfriend at all.

His text message half an hour later: Good time thanks.

I know you want to make him see how much this pain hurts but you've got to walk away now

2007-11-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

I did a paper last week on the Palace of Versailles. I'm pretty fascinated by it and I would love to actually see it. I got 80% on it! Which is amazing in university terms haha so I'm pretty excited.

The big man himself, King Louis XIV
The Hall of Mirrors (click for 360 view)

The Streets - Dry your Eyes Mate

2007-11-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

I cried tonight for the first time since my dad left. Although it wasn't totally about that. I'm so tired of being alone. And having assholes get what they want. I cried for my mom, who put up with so much and went above and beyond for him only to have him leave her for some girl online. I cried for Rebeca, who did everything right and had her boyfriend of almost four years leave her for a 16-year-old. For Evey, who finally opened up to a guy for the first time and he starting liking someone else. And I cried for me.
Why does this pattern keep reoccuring. Why are guys so insensitive and selfish. I am so tired of seeing movies and commercials where everything is so perfect. There is no fairy tale ending. Fuck you. Nice girls finish last.

maybe this year will be better than the last

2007-11-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

John's sick
New painting for the dining room

Christmas presents for my Mom

Counting Crows - A Long December

i need some distraction, oh beautiful release

2007-11-24T17:57:00.001-05:00

I'm watching City of Angels.They played this song at Tiff's funeral and it's impossible to hear it without thinking of her. I went to Mel's Diner with Kris and Grant last night. Grant had been fighting with Caitlyn over something or other and for a time I was glad to be single and not have to put up with the constant fighting and bickering. Kris and I went out to Old Navy after for their big sale and he bought a ton of clothes. I had a good time. He reminds me of the way Bobbie used to be.

This Christmas is going to be rough. Whenever I watch tv with my Mom it's constantly playing Christmas commercials over and over. With images of the perfect family and the perfect couple. She's been trying to keep herself busy with getting the decorations together but I know it's hard for her. I guess it's better than her lying in bed just thinking about things.

Sarah McLachlan - In the Arms of an Angel

if you're well off, then i'm happysome for you but i'd rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you

2007-11-23T01:21:00.001-05:00

I am SO close to being done with this semester. I'm very excited. I've worked my ass off and I could really use a break. I wrote two papers this week and now my sleeping schedule is all thrown off. Hopefully it'll be worth it. I still have two assignments for social work, a bonus paper for social psych and then three exams to study for. I got an A+ on my social work midterm!

My brother went to his first dance tonight at school. I picked him up and he told me that he was break-dancing and they played 'Kane West' and that 'Soulja Boy song that everybody loves'. Good lord.

I am loving these pj's
My recent purchases! The sweater and shirt are from H&M.

The hat makes me look 5 but I don't care.

The movie is my first present for my friend Rob.

Our as-of-yet undecorated tree.

I can't figure out the night setting on this camera,

I hate how these lights look yellow.

Grumpy Mr. Joe

Poor Allie has an ear infection :(

I started talking to Evey and Bobbie again around the same time, which is odd. I called Evey yesterday because this guy that she had been seeing told her out of the blue that he liked another girl. I feel really bad because it's the first time that she has let herself get close to a guy and that's how he treats her. She said she's glad we're talking now. Bobbie needed help (what a surprise). He could have easily found answers to his university questions by calling them or through a guidance counselor. He was like I know I only go to you for help but... I'm glad that he's finally admitted that but at least he could try and make things right. It's annoying but I'm not going to let myself get caught up in that again.

I still haven't talked to Brandon yet since he's been here. I guess we just aren't online at the same times. And I called East Side Mario's about the job and she was like "I'm just heading off to a meeting to set up an orientation for the people we decide to hire. we're going to call those people later" I love how you tell me you're going to tell me the next day to let me know, and now it's been over a week.

Rilo Kiley - Capturing Moods

2007-11-22T19:31:00.000-05:00

I just had the most vivid dream. I was shot into the future and the whole time I was trying to figure out things. I knew I was going to wake up soon from my nap. My mother had re-married and was living in a nice house. But there was only two bedrooms and there were beds everywhere. I looked into the mirror and I was crying and had gained a lot of weight. Then my dad appeared and told me to go pick up pizza. He gave me the keys to a green car but I couldn't find it. When I pressed unlocked it would unlock any car around, including ones with people in them. I managed to get into this monster gigantic car and was driving around aimlessly. I tried texting someone (on a super tiny cell phone) asking if I was married but I woke up.

And then this morning I dreamed I was apart of the Office! I wish! So I stole Pam's cell phone to try to get Jim's number. Then I was telling Jim the office should come over to my place on Saturday for a party. I was in Michael's car in the parking lot with him so he could drive me home. We looked over and Pam was getting into Jim's car and they kissed. I died a little inside. They saw us watching and did the signature Jim shrug. Michael drove me home but he was really depressed and not his usual self. Actually, no it was supposed to be to my second job (I can't believe I had a second job in my dream) that was just down the street. But he just kept driving and wouldn't stop. He was being super creepy so I told him he had to stop and let me out I didn't care where I was.

but now I'm gold

2007-11-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

I didn't get much accomplished today or yesterday. Even when I get extensions for papers I still leave them until the last minute! Urgh. I WILL work on them tonight after this post. I went out for dinner tonight at Kelsey's with Hayley. She gave me this picture frame and it's pretty cute. I feel so boring compared to her sometimes! She's like out dating and having fun and always has these crazy stories. I feel like nothing exciting happens to me. Oh, and I'm not sure if I got the job- have to call back on Wednesday? I dunno, it's weird. I really hope I get it though.

Last night was the last episode of the Office for a while :( That makes me really sad. Who knows when it's going to come back on again! I understand why they're striking. But it sucks that it happens now that I actually watch TV.

Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining

2007-11-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

I have to write a paper about whether or not Scientology is a religion. What do YOU think?

if you want better things, go ahead

2007-11-15T20:45:00.001-05:00

The highlight of my day:

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

So the lady was supposed to call before 2 today to let me know about the job. No word yet. I hate waiting. But oh well, the office will cheer me up.

Rilo Kiley - Go Ahead

2007-11-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

The graffiti written on the bathroom stalls at school made me smile:

"HUNGER MAKES ME A MODERN WOMAN."

"Well, call me old-fashioned and hand me a burger!"

2007-11-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

Just as I was least expecting it- a boy and a job!
Well, hopefully.

2007-11-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

I lied, I can't write today I'm sorry. I found out that I have two midterms tomorrow instead of just the one that I was preparing for. So I'm trying my hardest not to get screwed over. On the plus side, I got new socks and these pillows! Which is ever so exciting. But I got bored while listening to my lecture online so enjoy.

It's getting really uncomfortable to be around my mom. I don't know what to say. She cries ALL the time. It's so awkward. And then it's even worse because she thinks I'm mad at her. God I sound like a bitch. We just watch tv, and even then I cringe because all of these things are reminding her of him. Like the commercial for SCOTT paper towels. And how on the Simpsons tonight Milhouse's parents got back together and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. And then Homer tried to look in their wedding album. Fuck.

just let it happen

2007-11-10T23:47:00.000-05:00

I had my first bar experience tonight with Hayley. Let's just say it wasn't as glamorous as I was expecting. More pictures later from the girl who took pictures every two seconds! I promise to post tomorrow about what's going on.

+44 - Lycanthrope

2007-11-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

I am seriously not enjoying life at all right now. I need to make a huge post explaining everything but I can't. It will make it all too real. I can't deal with my mom and my brother. All I can do is watch tv but I have two midterms and two papers due next week that I haven't started. Life is like a bad OC re-run.

smile for me now

2007-11-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Matthew Good Concert - November 1/07 in Waterloo

Matt Good - The Devil's in your Details

2007-10-31T17:10:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween

love is just a lyric

2007-10-30T17:05:00.000-04:00

My dad is moving out.

I think subconsciously I've been waiting for this to happen ever since last summer. Nothing has changed and I'm not sure if it ever will. It's hard to remember a time when my parents were just happy. I've never looked up to their relationship and I'm afraid of turning into them.

Right now I'm more worried about my mom and John. Because I don't have any sort of relationship to him and I probably won't even notice that he's gone. But my mom is taking it really hard and I have no idea what to say. Last time she stayed in bed for three days. John doesn't know yet but my dad wants me to take him into work so he can find out what's going on. I'm really not looking forward to that. I'd rather just wait in the car. John will be crushed. He doesn't have much a relationship with him either but I know he'll be scared. I'm really afraid for him. I wish he had a better male role model.

2007-10-29T19:48:00.000-04:00

Last night John, Steve, Holly and I went to Wonderland's Halloween Haunt. I had been wanting to go for a few years so it was nice to finally go with them. I wasn't really sure what to expect but they went all out. They had a bunch of mazes and haunted houses set up, decorations everywhere and all the staff was decked out in costumes. It was cold but worth it. And we went on the bungee jump! I loved it but it was so cold I could barely scream. We left Toronto around 12 and I was exhausted. I ended up missing two of my exits and it took twice as long to get home as it should have. I miss the days when I was a kid coming home from wonderland and could just pass out in the car. Anyway, it was really great seeing them and their new apartment.

I should probably post some pictures from their wedding last summer which I've been too lazy to do.

My cousin Peter!

My grandparents.
My uncle Rick and aunt Brigid

They were so cute!
I really like it when wedding pictures don't look super posed.
These wedding cakes were amazing. And some of the best cupcakes I've ever had. I want to get into baking just to make some.

They took lessons so the tango could be their first dance.

2007-10-28T01:59:00.001-04:00

2007-10-28T01:40:00.000-04:00

Holy fuck: !

2007-10-27T01:24:00.000-04:00

Here's to Rachel's speedy recovery!

(C:)

(The smiley face I like to think I invented)

2007-10-27T01:00:00.000-04:00

Self-Portrait Arm $30
Now here's a great idea! A simple cure for "Myspace Photo" syndrome - you know, that all-too-common self-portrait, where you're off-center, with your head half cut-off, one arm sticking up all awkward holding the camera? Well, no more! Now your candid shots can look like fine art photos with the help of this ingenious hand-held extendable camera arm. Attaches to any camera base and telescopes from 8" to 18" for the ultimate in pro-on-the-go photos. Fully adjustable and built from strong and lightweight polycarbonate and aluminum, with a reference mirror and a removable tripod base for surface-mounted shots. Comes in a padded carrying case with a handy belt clip. Imported. Wipe clean.

HAHAHAA - If I ever saw anyone using this I would die laughing.

wishlist

2007-10-26T22:20:00.000-04:00

One week to go!

Urban Outfitters: $16Urban Outfitters: $12
PierOne: $120
Urban Outfitters: $20
Urban Outfitters: $33
Urban Outfitters: $60
Urban Outfitters: $18

American Eagle: $20
American Eagle: $24

Good quality make-up brushes.
I really need one of these!

Adidas: $90

Because I need to start going to the gym.
I wish :(

Tempur-Pedic mattresses are top of the line and cost thousands of dollars.

Hey, a girl can dream.

let go of your heart, let go of your head

2007-10-24T00:13:00.000-04:00

I had this really fucked up dream that I was pregnant. I was in my room deciding whether or not to keep it and my Dad said, "well what if you regret it later and you want it" (reminded me of Miranda on Sex and the City) so I decided to keep it. At the baby shower I got mostly candles but my Mom got me a $300 Zellers gift certificate and told me she applied to work there to support me. And I started crying with relief and thanked them. ahhhhh

Grant and Caitlyn came home for their reading week. Apparently the university bases the number of reading weeks on their suicide rate? So UW only gets one. Lucky me. I really wanted to go on a haunted hay ride but it was only open on the weekend. We ended up going to Molly Bloom's instead for dessert. And Karina was our waitress! Too bad I didn't get a picture of her too.

The Bloomin' Brownie was delicious. Everyone copied me and got it too.
I look weird and sickly.

Later Jess was talking about designing a house for them (she's going to be an architect) and I wanted to scream "BE REALISTIC YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE TOGETHER" but instead I kept my mouth shut and sulked.
CLEARLY that's caramel.
My new BFF
She looks like she's about to eat me.

David Gray - Babylon

2007-10-18T15:21:00.000-04:00

Happy anniversary singlehood.

failure isn't an option it's inevitable

2007-10-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

I am feeling very satisfied.

I went to Zen Garden for lunch with Nicole. I've been wanting to go there forever. It was strange to be able to order anything from the menu instead of having one or two options. I got Kung Pao chicken, rice, salad, nuggets and strawberry bubble tea. It was nice to see her and catch up since I hadn't seen her since she got back from Poland.

Afterwards I had my developmental psychology midterm. It was a lot harder than I expected. I was supposed to read chapters 1 through 7 but really I just skimmed through them for the definitions. He made it seem like it would be so easy but there was a bunch of questions on genetics and stuff that I had no clue about. I guess we'll see.

Between classes I met up with my parents at Mongolian Grill for my Dad's birthday. He's taken this sudden interest in flying so my Mom got him a flying lesson. It was pretty random but he seemed happy about it. It was supposed to be today but it got cancelled due to the weather. I love Mongolian Grill but my brother totally ruined it for me. He insisted on getting the $15 buffet even though I knew he wouldn't eat anything. He literally had pepperoni and chicken and only three bites of it at that. He refused to eat any pasta or vegetables with it. When I complained to my mom she just shook her head. Nutrition is over-rated.

I had to go back to school to write my cult midterm. It was ridiculously easy and I barely studied. The TA's made an annoucement that basically the papers were terrible and everyone plagerized. So I was really worried to get mine back since I basically para-phrased his lectures and finished it half an hour before class. After watching a documentary about Shambhala, I got my paper back- 77%! I would consider that disappointing in high school but in university, that's awesome. I found out I got 84% on my french civ midterm and I thought I had guessed my way through it. I'm really happy. I love not working.

so better pack your bags and run- send it to oblivion says:
my night class is about cults
Alert Status Red says:
sounds scary
so better pack your bags and run- send it to oblivion says:
that's just a stereotype!
Alert Status Red says:
so theres happy cults?
Alert Status Red says:
that sounds creepier
Alert Status Red says:
r u in a cult?!?!
so better pack your bags and run- send it to oblivion says:
well they're basically a religion just like anything else just newer
Alert Status Red says:
and scarier
so better pack your bags and run- send it to oblivion says:
not really
Alert Status Red says:
never has a cult been portrayed as good
so better pack your bags and run- send it to oblivion says:
oh really
Alert Status Red says:
to my belief

you can breathe now

2007-10-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday in Social Psychology class, this girl that was in the front row wouldn't stop jiggling her legs. At first I was annoyed because I hate it when people tap their pencil or foot absent-mindedly (especially when this is all I can see out of the corner of my eye during an exam). But then I realized it was the girl that has epilepsy. She wasn't taking any notes. For an entire hour she was shaking and I couldn't stop staring. I had a feeling she was going to seizure again. There was ten minutes left to go when she raised her hand and I could just tell. The prof asked what he could do and she just slipped away. How awful to have to live with that.

It's finally fall.

sink like a stone or go it alone

2007-10-14T18:06:00.000-04:00

I deleted Evey and Bobbie from msn today. It makes things easier.

I'm getting the hang of doing my hair. It still doesn't look like it does when I first got it done but it's okay. At first I wasn't sure if it suited me or not. It's starting to grow on me.

I went out for lunch with Eddie on Friday. It was nice, but just not the same. I realized that we'll never be as good of friends that we were before. We just don't have that much in common.

Aimee Mann - Today's the Day

new hair

2007-10-11T18:22:00.000-04:00

Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

2007-10-09T19:42:00.000-04:00

The thing about deciding not to be friends with Bobbie anymore is he always has some of my stuff. Stupid me always feels the need to lend him shit. So right now he has V for Vendetta, The China Study, The Office and some homework assignments. If I asked for it back he would feel bad and be nice to me for a while and try to be friends and then the vicious cycle begins again.

Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic

happy thanksgiving

2007-10-08T02:37:00.000-04:00

We had Thanksgiving at my aunt Jacinta's new townhouse in Toronto. It was SO nice. I'm really happy for her. My grandma helped her buy the place plus a car and everything seems to be working out nicely for her. She's never really had nice things before because she pretty much lives pay check to pay check being a model/actor. I remember when I was a kid she had this tiny apartment with a kitchen, living room with a pull out couch and a bathroom. Anyway, here are the pictures. I look really dumpy because I had a cold and felt like shit. Yayy

I'm enjoying the Ikea-ish sliding doors.
This is how my Dad spends every holiday!

And I wonder why I'm anti-social.

I LOVE these townhouses. They were so clean, especially for Toronto. It even had 2 balconies.

This is Fred. Fred is fat. Perhaps even fatter than Joe.

Cute :)
Callum looks creepy aha
He's a model/actor too.

No, really.

ahh... But I love this sweater. It's such a comfy-I'm-sick-don't-care-what-I-look-like look.

Catus! Or cati?

My hair looks really bad these days. I need a haircut.
Apparently my mom takes emo pictures now.
C:
Beautiful sunflowers from the market.

You practically needed a saw to cut through these stems.

Yay.
My mom felt the need to explain to me how there was three generations in the picture.

She looks old :l

Don't mind the stains on the table cloth.

should have known better

2007-10-06T02:28:00.001-04:00

On Thursday morning I woke up at 7AM to get my loan for school. That was a huge thing for me because I've gotten into the habit of getting out of bed around noon. So I drove all the way to school and waited in line for the lady to tell me I needed pay stubs since May not January. Getting my loan has always been a pain in the ass. I had to drive home just to get the proof of my pay. Anyway, it ended up being a good thing because I made a lot less than I thought I would, and therefore my loan increased from $364 (which is next to nothing for university) to over $6000. Plus, because of my financial need I got an $1100 grant (which I don't have to pay back-score!) I'm considering not getting a job and just focusing on school.

I got my mom to drive me around all day because my arm was in pain. For the past few weeks, I was getting what I thought were growing pains between my elbow and wrist. I would usually just pop an advil and think nothing of it. But the past few days it got really sore and would hurt all the time. It got to the point where it hurt to drive, type on the laptop or write. My three hour cult class was torture. I was afraid I might be getting carpal tunnel syndrome (which would be awful) so I checked out the symptoms. Wikipedia said it usually occurs in your 40's and the pain is mostly in your hand and it feels like it's asleep. I decided I needed to get it looked at before it got any worse. The thing is, I hate my doctor. It's always such an ordeal to see her. First of all, it takes around a month to make an appointment. Which is absolutely ridiculous! By the time I see her I'm not even sick anymore. When I do go in I wait for at least an hour and a half. Once I had a fever or something and I was in the waiting room for over two hours and was pushed down the waiting list without being told. Plus, she's super foreign and I can never understand her and her solution to everything is: here take this sample! Fuck. Anyway, I went to the school's clinic where I talked to the nurse and she got me to see the doctor right away. I waited for maybe five minutes? The doctor did some tests to see where the pain was. He explained what was going on with this big fancy word that I can't remember. Basically, it's probably from all the typing I'm doing (in bed with no wrist support..) and the muscle has been strained or inflammed or something. He said that laptops are super bad for that since you can't align your wrists and elbows properly. He gave me some anti-inflammatory pills which have finally kicked in. The whole thing was over in 45 minutes. I'm definitely going there instead of dealing with my lame over-booked doctor.

After we got some lunch at one of the residences and headed to the farmer's market. I wanted to find this stall from last year that sold handmade wool gloves, hats and sweaters. I lost the gloves mysteriously and ughh they were so nice. He wasn't there. It was mostly just food stalls. Inside an old lady had a booth set up for sock monkeys and they were so adorable. I always see them in movies like in the background on the kid's bed or something but I've never seen them around before. I would definitely want one for my kid. It would probably be weird if I had one now..

Later on, after napping Bobbie texted me saying "you said you were bringing back the movie at 6- you have to follow the rules if you want movies". I'm really annoyed with him and just the way he treats me in general. But I was like whatever, I should return the movie. I went in a little before he was closing up. He said why didn't you come at 6 (like I drop everything to cater to him) and I said I was busy. Which I was, but I'll get to that later. I was texting Jess the whole time I was there and being a bitch. He said "well I'm not going to make you stay but.." Then I was just like "I'm going now, see ya.." and he was in shock and just looked at me and I left. I sound like a dork, but I was so happy over that. He just treats me like shit all the time and I never know how to respond. So, I should have started doing this a whole lot sooner.

Caitlyn and Grant were home for the day from Owen Sound. Caitlyn had her graduation to go to. It sucked that they couldn't stay for Thanksgiving this weekend but Grant had a test the next morning. I met up with them at mcdonald's and for some reason everyone was asking about Evey and how she was doing. I was like "um I wouldn't know?" Whatever, I'm not going to lie and pretend that everything is fine. She got home yesterday too but I still haven't heard from her. I'm a little surprised she didn't ask me to drive her home from Toronto. I met up with them and Jess after the grad and we went to Montana's. We talked about school and Jess and Kris breaking up. Jess Grant kept texting both of them like crazy trying to hang out with them. It was really creepy and I'm so glad she isn't like that with me. After we had our deep-fried cheesecake (not even kidding.. I didn't even each much because the meds made me sick) we took lame pictures. I looked really awkward in all of them because I was super tired and not really into it. Then somehow the plan of stealing pumpkins came up from the Zehrs across the parking lot and how my car should be used. And then we did it and I was freaking out thinking they were going to see it all on camera and get my plate numbers. No call yet though. It probably happens a lot.

Pretty lame entry but I really don't have anything else to talk about.

Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around Comes Around

Plotting a Green Burial

2007-10-03T00:07:00.000-04:00

I found this really interesting. I had always thought that I would rather be cremated because it seemed like the better choice. But after reading this, I definitely want to look into it further.

The high cost of funerals—to both your wallet and the environment—has spurred the rise of eco-friendly alternatives.

By Billie Grable

A loved one has died and you’re faced with the delicate decision of honoring their remains. Will it be an “ashes to ashes” cremation, which would save space on our overcrowded planet? Or will you go with a traditional “dust to dust” burial—and return your loved one to Mother Earth? If you think either of these choices are 100 percent environmentally friendly, think again.

The mortuary-cemetery business has turned no-nonsense burials into a $20-billion-a-year industry—with little regard to environmental concerns and even less consideration to your pocket book. Funerals rank among the most expensive purchases a consumer will ever make. Traditional funeral costs for just the casket and grave liner can easily top $6,000. It’s a shocking expense a grief-stricken person must face—and an expensive way to further weaken the ecosystem.

The Problem with Burial
Each year, cemeteries across the United States bury an estimated 30-plus million board feet of hardwoods, 104,272 tons of steel, 2,700 tons of copper and bronze, and more than 1.6 million tons of reinforced concrete—all used to build the caskets, grave liners and vaults designed to “protect” your loved one from the elements of nature.
Casket manufacturers are listed on the EPA’s top 50 hazardous waste generators list due to chemicals such as methyl and xylene used in the protective finish sprayed on the caskets exterior.

A grave liner or vault is required by most cemeteries (but not by law). Both are used to reinforce—or “protect”—the coffin once in the ground. In reality, their primary use is to prevent the earth from sinking due to the coffin’s inevitable collapse. A sink hole in a cemetery would ruin a perfectly manicured, chemically enhanced landscape.

There is no federal law requiring embalming, but most funeral homes encourage the process, which usually costs upwards of $800 and beyond. Embalming provides what the funeral trade calls a “memory picture,” or lifelike appearance, for the deceased. But even a well-embalmed body will decompose once it’s buried. The bigger issue is the disposal of the fluids used and extracted from the body during the embalming process. There is no universal law governing the disposal of embalming wastes—which, in some cases, are sent directly into the sewer system untreated.

While these facts can be overwhelming, there are better ways to help save the planet, ease the high costs of expensive funerals—and provide an environmental-friendly way to honor your loved one.

The Alternatives
Cremation
Growing research indicates cremation has a negative effect on the environment. Hazardous emissions from crematories, along with the consumption of natural gas and electricity for operation pose an environmental problem. By 2025, an estimated 51 percent will chose cremation over burial. This will create an inevitable increase in pollutants and decrease in energy supplies.

But even with its polluting potential, there’s a distinct green upside to cremation: It doesn’t demand land-polluting caskets and grave liners, or the use of embalming fluid. And it offers a variety of ways to honor your loved ones remains. Spreading ashes across land and sea is a time-honored option. And there are other eco-friendly alternatives to the traditional inurnment. Eternal Reefs creates artificial coral reefs out of concrete and cremated remains. The reefs are cast from various locations along the East Coast. The Georgia-based company provides families with an environmental living legacy that creates new marine habitats.
Another option offered by C. R. Concrete, Inc, a Spokane, Wash. firm, is to cast the ashes with concrete to create a memorial bench, yard art statute or patriotic commemorative stone.

Natural burial
While an ashes-to-ashes cremation will save valuable land space, a proper dust-to-dust—or natural—burial provides the only truly green way to protect the planet.
Think back to the days when our ancestors didn’t have ornate caskets, grave liners, vaults or embalming fluids. Loved ones were placed in an unadorned pine box (or more simply, wrapped in a shroud). Mother Nature provided the landscaping and organic return to the earth.

Fast forward to present day: Those traditions of our ancestors have been revived and given a modern term—the natural, or green, burial. South Carolina’s Ramsey Creek Preserve was the first eco-cemetery in the United States. The preserve was formed to protect and restore the land as well as provide a less expensive, more eco-friendly burial option. “Ramsey Creek helps heal broken landscapes and broken hearts while easing the fear surrounding the meaning of death,” says Kimberley Campbell, vice president of Memorial Ecosystems, in Westminster, S.C.

When buried in an eco-cemetery, the body decomposes naturally and supports the normal process of enriching the land. No chemicals or pesticides are used to manicure the landscape, allowing indigenous flora and fauna to provide a naturalized effect to the burial ground.
A biodegradable casket is used, made of simple materials such as pine, bamboo or a corrugated cremation container; all are priced at less than $1,000. With today’s natural burial, there is no requirement for a vault or grave liner. And the use of embalming fluids isn’t permitted in eco-cemeteries. In addition to Ramsey Creek, there are four eco-cemeteries in the United States. Other locations include Mill Valley, Calif., DeFuniak Springs, Fla., Newfield, N.Y., and Huntsville, Texas. If you’re not near an eco-cemetery, you can still do your part. Here are five tips to honor yourself or your loved ones and help safeguard the earth at the same time:

1. If you opt for cremation, decide how you want to memorialize the ashes before the time comes.

2. The cemetery, not the funeral home, has final word on the casket type. Ask if the burial can be completed in a simple casket, and if a vault or grave liner is required.

3. If the funeral home doesn’t offer a simple casket, look in the Yellow Pages or search the Web. If you can’t find one, go for the least adorned (and less expensive) model—after all, no casket can preserve remains for eternity.

4. Say no to embalming fluids. The body will decompose with or without them.

5. And finally, do your research … now! Learn about the laws in your state. Find out what green options are available before you enter the grieving process.

october already!

2007-10-02T00:21:00.000-04:00

The Tudors starts today! Jonathon Rhys Meyers + history = heaven.
I don't think I did half bad on my midterm. It's nice, I have this new found motivation this semester. Probably because I don't have much else to do besides study and read. But I hope I keep it up!

2007-10-01T02:11:00.000-04:00

I returned some movies today and Bobbie looked miserable because he got into a fight with Brooke the night before.

Schadenfreude: a German term for malicious pleasure soetimes felt when someone else suffers.

Hey, at least I'll have a good example for the term to remember for my social psychology midterm today.

2007-09-29T23:48:00.000-04:00

Jessica broke up with Kris yesterday. Which isn't all that surprising after what she told me at lunch. But it must have been a total shock for him. I feel so bad because he's such a nice guy but it was pretty much all about the age difference and how can he help that.

I called her right when I found out. She was on her way to a club and sounded totally fine. I was like umm.. has it not sunk in yet? (Because it always takes ages for stuff to really hit me) and she was like no I cried before and after the phone call then I was fine. Wow, don't I feel pathetic.

Last night I went out to dinner with Hayley. I've known her since grade nine applied french class. I don't really talk to her much. She's going to school in Brantford for her BA and BED. She has eight courses and I don't know how she handles all that plus teaching. She's gone through a lot. In some ways I could relate but most of the time I was just thinking wow.. maybe I don't have it so bad after all.

I started talking to Evey tonight because she was too immature to start. She got all defensive and super pissed off. And I was like hey, if you really were busy and not just ignoring me, you shouldn't be so angry. She said well I'm not going to apologize for being busy. Yes but you should apologize for not responding to me for weeks?! That's just rude. I'm pretty sure she thinks that I'm needy and is freaked out by it. Because in the past when she feels like that with people she just pushes them away. She didn't bother to put herself in my shoes after she and my other close friends had moved away and how I was probably freaking out and missing them. I haven't even told her I have depression. Anyway, I hope I get over it. I guess she has this new life now but it won't be the same when she gets home.

now the music is playing on our time

2007-09-28T13:42:00.000-04:00

My dream last night (or rather, this morning):

My entire family and I are at some kind of movie premiere. We have seats right beside the red carpet so we can see everyone entering. I have a new camera (probably because I want a better camera for my birthday) that I'm trying to figure out. I desperately try to take a picture of Harry Potter and his posse, who patiently wait for me to take it. Daniel Radcliffe is giving me the finger which I find rude but I take it anyway. When I try to review it in the camera I find it didn't work and I start crying. Now nobody will believe I saw him!

My dreams are usually far more complex and funnier than this but I can't remember much of it now.

Against Me - Thrash Unreal

you don't know it's right until it's wrong

2007-09-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

I went into videoscene today to get Knocked Up and The 40-year Old Virgin. Bobbie cut his hair really short and it almost looks like he has a faux hawk. It's funny to think now that his hair was down to his shoulders when I met him. He looked scary skinny. Maybe it's just because he wears tighter clothes and capri-like jeans with his boxers sticking out.. I told him I wished he could see himself from other people's perspective. He doesn't consider me to be his friend (he says his only friends are Brooke and Karina). Which sucks because I sort of miss his friendship. I mean, I miss the intelligent conversations (whenever I try to talk to my Mom she just stares back at me and is totally unresponsive). And I say sort of because he seems to think friendship means bashing each other's lifestyles and being judgemental. I usually get really down on myself after we talk. He always asks what I'm doing with my life and why I don't have a boyfriend. He makes me feel inadequate and boring. I try to fight back but after a while I just give up. He said he realized that drinking all the time isn't productive and that he could be doing more meaningful things with his time. I looked at him increduously (but doubtfully because he tends to say these sorts of things very hypocritically) and said "I've waited a while to hear you say that" and he immediately shoots back with "you've wasted your teenage years and now you're so locked into your future that you can't afford to fuck up."
I drove home feeling empty. I was hoping my mom would be home so I could watch one of the movies with her and avoid crying but she wasn't. I really need a job to occupy my time and feel a sense of purpose.

Thursday is going to be an awesome TV night. Jim + Pam and George + Izzie all in one night?! It's almost too much for one to handle.

Josh Ritter - Come and Find Me

2007-09-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

I met up with Jessica for lunch today at East Side Mario's. It was nice to catch up with her even if only for an hour. She was tellin me that Jess Grant, a girl I used to work with, constantly calls her and wonders why nobody likes her. She's sent me a couple of messages on facebook saying we should hang out or go job hunting together. I haven't responded because I don't really care for her much and we've never hung out before. But she doesn't seem to get the hint and just keeps trying. And on top of that she sets her status to "my biggest pet peave is when people don't reply" and "i'm starting to think i smell or something." I'm not one to fake liking somebody and I just wish she would accept that you can't be good friends with everybody. It just made things weird because that's what Evey did to me too- not responding and setting her status to away. She still hasn't talked to me. I'm worried because if she's acting like this the first month that she's away what's it going to be like after a year when she comes home for the summer?

Anyway, she said she's not sure if she wants to stay with Kris or be with this new guy she met from school. I feel bad because Kris is a really nice guy but he's only in grade eleven. I don't think she'll be able to get past the age difference especially since she's trying to make the transition into college. And she's already starting to get irritated with him which can't be a good sign. She asked me what I should do but I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything since I'm friends with Kris. I wish this was the kind of problem I was having..

and i need to patient, and i need to be brave

2007-09-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

-----Email Message-----

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 6:20 PM

Subject: No Phone Calls

Dear Frank,

I feel the same way. I often wonder why I even have a phone because I rarely receive calls. If there was a way we could contact each other that would be cool. My phone number is 605-212-7787 (with permission).

Sincerely,

Ryan (with permission)

-----Email Message------

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 9:26 PM

Subject: I Called Ryan

Frank,

Earlier today, I saw the secret about having the cool toy iPhone and still not getting any calls and it resonated with me. I couldn't believe when I checked later this evening and saw the message from Ryan, including his phone number. It's pretty gutsy to have your private phone number published on a website that people read worldwide. I decided to call. Immediately I was glad I had. Ryan answered by the third ring, and was so excited, so high on life, that it made me smile and has left me smiling ever since, something that's been rare for me lately.That South Dakotan stranger has heard from people from around the world, wishing him well, and reaching out to a person who was brave enough to admit they, too, were lonely. I hoped to help him smile and feel like he mattered and that people are basically good; yet those were the things our brief conversation gave to me.

~Jodi

-----Email Message------

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 11:26 PM

Subject: I Called Ryan

How hopeful that Ryan's voice mail is now full.

I text messaged him saying "You're not alone. I hope you have an awesome day! -Siobhan from Canada." And I found this right after on lj:

so uh. i just texted this guy and told him to have an amazing day. i hope i cheered him up. but now i'm beginning to think...maybe a million other people already beat me to it, and now he's just going to have an enormous phone bill to pay :/

KT Tunstall - Minature Disasters

2007-09-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

TLC loves airing shows about 'unique' families. I've seen the Duggars, but they're pretty crazy. 17 kids and basically the mother is always pregnant. Fuck I can not even imagine that. Plus all of the kids names start with J... The mother explains it as "saying there's too many children is like saying there's too many flowers"

I just finished watching "Our 27 Kids". Now this family didn't seem so insane. The parents have 4 biological children and the rest are adopted. The 23 kids are either mentally or developmentally challenged. It was truly amazing to see something that seems so impossible. It was so heartwarming but incredibly sad at the same time. This 30 year old boy Jimmy had both down syndrome and autism and had no way of communication. The mom said she felt like there was a person deep inside of him that was trying to talk and reach out but the body just wasn't cooperating.

i can't even hear myself think

2007-09-23T00:40:00.001-04:00

I "unofficially" got 41% in french and 65% in philosophy. Fuuuuckkkk.

I. hate. life.

I haven't been sleeping or eating very well lately and I look like crap. Also, I haven't had my medication in a few days so I'm all disoriented. Did I mention that my fridge is broken? It sucks.

I confronted Evey yesterday and she was like "wow I don't know what to say to that." No excuses or apologies. What the fuck.

KT Tunstall - Under The Weather

how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down

2007-09-21T21:46:00.000-04:00

I've spent the better part of today and last night playing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Umm, it's pretty awesome. Considering I'm a baby and only play adventure type of games. The last time I played anything it was probably Spyro haha. But my eyes get sore after a while. I love how John can get away with playing games all day and I'm the one with glasses because I read. Funny how that works.

Evey has been super weird towards me. Whenever we talk I've started the conversation every time. Which starts to bother me after a while because I start to feel needy and desperate. I thought we were best friends but she's been ignoring me. And I would completely understand if she was busy with school or making new friends or whatever but clearly from facebook and msn she's been talking to msn. When I go online she coincidentally goes to 'away'. I don't understand what's going on and it's really starting to piss me off.

Anyway, I came across this article. Fucking pathetic. Seriously, what is America coming to?

Tegan & Sara - Where does the Good Go?

you can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting

2007-09-21T20:29:00.000-04:00

These are from my developmental psychology class. Normally I would think they're odd and alien like. But for some reason I was in awe. Like a new-found appreciation.

This is Jaiden, Ashley's baby. He was born a few weeks ago.
Army of Me - Going through Changes

i know that i should let go, but i can't.

2007-09-19T01:18:00.000-04:00

Fuck you insomnia.

I've had barely any sleep these past few days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, yet I can not fall asleep. I wish I had an off button. I read the most boring stuff I can find (and ended up reading 40 pages) and still nothing. My thoughts just keep going and going.

Everytime I see him I become slightly obsessed, I think. I don't even think I like him that way anymore. I just obsess over the details of our relationship. If I could have done something different to change things. And what things would be like now. Honestly, I think I just miss being a "we". When we were saying goodbye to Josh and Karina after lunch, he said "ok, we'll talk to you guys later." Which probably means nothing at all to a normal person, but it made me smile inside. How twisted is that?

And then he has to go and ask why I'm single. As if I have a choice in the matter. I try to play it off and act cool: "sometimes it's good to be single." I wonder how much of that is really true.

Do you ever think about me? (God, I'm so fucking awkward)
uh.. duh where else am I getting LOST?
look I do think about you that's a rhetorical question.
sorry I don't know why I asked that. But I mean, does it matter to you if we're friends? Or would you be indifferent about it?
I'd be indifferent about it, probably.
It's not like I would fall apart without your friendship.
hmm..
are you saying that it would be detrimental to your existence without me?
uh.. no. Obviously.

Little things really bother me. Fuck. I wish I could just stop and be his friend or nothing at all. But I can't decide which would hurt more. Maybe I have this small hope that we'll get back together or something. Which is totally unrealistic. But I mean, he was the first guy I really fell for. I gave him so much. And I don't think that can ever really go away no matter how much time passes.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

Kate Nash - Foundation

all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down

2007-09-17T20:44:00.000-04:00

I just got in from taking Allie for a walk. It's always a little scary at night because my neighbourhood is sketchy but I find it so much more refreshing at night. A lot more peaceful and quiet for me to think.

I took Bobbie downtown today to get him a guitar. I never really know what to expect when we hang out. We either have really nice deep talks or it becomes this big battle over how we've differed since we've gone our separate ways. I find it amazing how two people can go from being best friends able to tell each other anything at all, bare each other's souls even to hostile and guarded strangers.

We were walking down King, talking about cults when we ran into Josh and Karina. She just got back from her job interview. We all ended up going out for lunch at the Duke Street Muse, this vegetarian place that I've been wanting to go to for a while. Karina recommended the vegetarian tuna sandwich and it was really good. The four of us ate alone in the basement surrounded by a murral and bright paintings. The conversation was simple and it came easy. It was nice, but at the same time it made me a little sad. I wish the four of us would have hung out together when we were dating. It sort of felt like we were together again for a bit but then I came back. It made me ache to have someone in my life again. For the easy and constant companionship. To always have someone there for me. After we said goodbye and he bought his guitar, I drove him home where Brooke was waiting for him. I joked that it must be serious now that she had the code to open the garage. It's hard to believe that they've been together for ten months. I feel like I've changed a lot since then. It's hard to put into words, but I can feel it. And that's why I don't regret the relationship.

Ben Harper - The Drugs Don't Work

the only way out is to give in

2007-09-16T23:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had an interview at the Charcoal Steakhouse. Basically, it would have been the perfect place for me to work at. Right down the street, beautiful restaurant, lots of people my age, classy and good tips+. My mom's friend Amber has been trying to get me to work there for a while. I finally gave in and it became this huge ordeal. I dropped off my resume last Tuesday and I had this mini-interview with this guy Dave. He made it sound like he would call me back with the next day or two for sure. A week later and still no word from him. I called back everyday until finally I set up an interview with Mariam. I spend all this time getting ready, preparing what I'm going to say and I was there for less than 20 minutes. She asked me questions like "what would you do if a customer was complaining about wait times?" and "how would you maintain food cleanliness?" and I'm freaking out inside because I know how hard it is to get a job there. She went on to say that usually people needed a year's experience serving at a previous restaurant. Which is understandable, but I was a manager at a restaurant for god's sake. Not exactly the same thing, but still I should have been able to get my foot in the door. I don't see why I was called in for an interview because clearly I don't have the experience that they're looking for and there "might" be a hostessing position available. I was really bummed out because it was such a waste of my time that could have been spent getting other jobs. But of course I had faith I would get this one. Everytime I told someone about the interview they were like "oh you have so much experience, you'll get it for sure!" So much for that. I've been unemployed for almost a month now! I'm not compltely broke or anything but paying my $2683.15 fall tuition hurt.

On an unrelated note, we finally got the basement carpeted. It looks a lot better now but it still smells. Oh, and I realized that we have a cold cellar. Which is fucking creepy.

I have a sociology of cults class which I find really fascinating. The prof wrote our text book Comprending Cults and edited our other text and I find that really impressive. Anyway, he talked about The Family, a cult formed in the 1960's. I was reading into it the other night and I got really freaked out. Basically they believe that God created sex so it's beautiful and literally 'spread the love'. The part I found really sad and disturbing though, was the story of Davidito or Ricky Rodriguez. He was the son of the founder and was made to be an example of child rearing. There's this 700+ page book describing his life and upbringing that was circulated among the family. He was made out to have such a beautiful life, but wow. The things that he went through are unimaginable. It's no wonder how depressed he was later in life, and after leaving the religion as an adult he committed suicide. I think this might have been the most disturbing thing I've ever read. I was so sad and creeped out I didn't know what to do with myself.

Metric - Empty

that that don't kill me can only make me stronger

2007-09-14T17:33:00.000-04:00

Wow, I have some catching up to do. Here's pictures from my room. I got really bored of it one day and decided to redo it. It was like a beach theme but I felt like I outgrew it.

I still have to print some pictures for the frame and find a nice poster to put up. Some pillows would be nice too. I got most of my things for Pier One and Urban Outfitters.

Kanye West - Stronger

we live in a beautiful world

2007-09-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

These are some pictures that I took on the last day of Summer Playground. I was a leader there for 6 weeks with Adam. We looked after 6-8 year olds in the mornings and afternoons. It was a fairly good experience. I learned a lot about holding kid's attention, having the right enthusiasm and how to plan and lead games and activities.

Frog cupcakes!!

There weren't many kids left for the end of the summer.

Here it was pajama party day.

Mattea (far left) was a horse (her favourite animal).

She was cute but a lot to handle.

"Do a funny face!"

The gym that we played in. It got unbearably hot most days.

The playground. On the pavement we drew with chalk a lot.

Most of the kids played tick-tack-toe or drew outlines of themselves.

Or we would play with bubbles with my kick-ass bubble machine.

5,000 bubbles a minute for 20 bucks.

This is Erin and Laura (cousins).

Erin was a floater and Laura was my assistant coordinator.

Val was our coordinator.

She's probably the most enthusiastic person I've ever met- in a good way.

Coldplay - Don't Panic

when we was young, ah man did we have fun

2007-09-04T20:21:00.000-04:00

Evey moved to North Bay last Friday. I was so sad when she left. She's been my best friend for a few years and during this past year I've come to depend on her a lot. For a while I was the only single friend that she had so we hung out a lot. I'm glad we got to do a lot of things together this summer. It's going to be tough to get used to the fact that I can't hang out with her whenever I want to.

We were hired at McDonald's at the same time. We were even trained together but we were both terrified so we didn't talk much haha. The first memory I have of her is we were getting trained on fries by Shick, with one of us packaging the fries and the other working the vats. Our hands were all covered in grease by the end of the shift, oh man.

I'm really afraid for this year. School can be a lonely place. My closest friends are gone away to school. If I don't stay in touch with them, I'm not sure what I'll do. At least Karina and Jess are staying in town. I need to make a strong effort to talk to them, otherwise I will drive myself crazy with school/loneliness. I have a hard enough time keeping friends as it is, I need to keep the friendships that I do have. Maybe I should join a club or something?

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"

The Strokes - Someday

there's a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down

2007-08-30T23:23:00.000-04:00

So fucking excited for season four of The Office!!

"Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

"Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you."

"Not a bad day."

Michael Scott: Oh God a minivan. What is Merideth's problem?!

Jim Halpert: Well I think she has a kid.

Michael Scott: Yeah, she has one kid, no husband... she's not going to find one driving this thing around.

"Why don't you grow something that everybody does like. You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet."

Jim: [Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best?

Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.

Jim: False. Black bear.

Dwight: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight: Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!

Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars.

Fall Out Boy - Don't You know Who I Think I Am?

well it's a big big city and it's always the same

2007-08-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

I met with my academic advisor today and I decided to change my major. Originally I planned on going with psychology but I realized there was too much science and math involved for my liking.

Social Development Studies Major

An integrated multidisciplinary academic plan providing a liberal education with concentration in certain pure and applied social sciences. The inter-related courses of this major allows students to develop an appreciation of the interdependence of the social sciences and a facility in applying material and perspectives from one discipline to questions in other areas of study. The college offers its own courses for the major in interdisciplinary social science, psychology, social work and sociology. Students select their remaining courses from any of the colleges or departments of the university according to their particular needs and interestes. In the academic plan, particular attention is given to the development of human personality in the context of the major social development of certain contemporary social problems. Courses in Social Work provide an opportunity to study various types of social intervention. The SDS provides an excellent background for further study in Social Work, Education, Theology, Law and Journalism, and for work in various helping professions, communications, and community and international service organizations.

She advised be to take the honour program as opposed to the general because it's pretty competitive to get into teachers' college. Here's the courses I'm taking this fall:

SOC 262 Cults and New Religious Movements

This course examines various cults and new religious movements (e.g. Scientology, Krishna Consciousness, Neo-paganism) and places them within the context of our sociological knowledge of their emergence, who joins and why, and other issues.

PSYCH 253 Social Psychology

An introduction to the scientific study of social behaviour and social influences on behaviour. Theories and research on such topics as attitude change and persuasion, stereotypes and prejudice, conformity and obedience to authority, altruism, conflict, attraction and love may be introduced.

PSYCH 211 Developmental Psychology

A course designed to introduce the student to current research and theory concerning children's social, cognitive, and physical development from infancy through childhood to early adolescence.

SWREN 220R Social Work with Individuals

A presentation of some of the theoretical constructs necessary for the understanding of the individual in the casework relationship, as well as an introduction to some appropriate casework interventions. Emphasis in the course will be theoretical,

FR 291 French Civilization

This courses traces the cultural development of France from its origin to the French Revolution. Emphasis is given to the study of music, art, architecture, literature, ideas and daily life in their historical context.

The Fratellis - Whistle for the Choir

to be reborn, not born again

2007-08-28T16:53:00.000-04:00

I've been vegetarian for nearly three months now. It all started with Fast Food Nation- one of the greatest books I've ever read. It totally opened my eyes to the world I was living in, especially as I worked at McDonald's at the time. I knew a bit about meat and the whole process but the part about the slaughter house brought me to tears. I guess it was the way that it was written that really touched me. I tried to stop eating meat but it didn't really go anywhere. After seeing the movie and having a visual image of it all, I knew I had to stop. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I had never been in love with steak or burgers but chicken- now I was always down for some chicken nuggets or a nice chicken breast. But it stopped. I went 'cold turkey' so to speak. And I haven't looked back. This video really got to me as well.

My friend Karina has been a vegetarian for three years now. She watched a video about dog and chicken cruelty and was completely turned off. We went out for breakfast with some friends the following day and she ordered pancakes. I admired her but I never really understood or questioned her reasoning. I simply accepted it.

Now I wish people treated me the same way. When I have to say, "actually... I'm a vegetarian" people respond with "oh..." It's amazing how everyone has an opinion about it and feels the need to argue with me. Now, I'm not one for confrontation. I try to avoid it as best as I can. When people debate with me, I lose all my facts. All I can do is look away and say "hey this is how I feel about it". I love it when people tell me I won't last. It just gives me more motivation to go on with it.

A few weeks ago, I went camping with some friends. They were all thinking: "um.. what are you going to eat?" None of them are very open-minded about it. When we went to get groceries, I went over to the vegetarian section and they were very skeptical about the food they saw. I bought some fake chicken breasts with this really nice sauce and spices. While they were cooking up hot dogs, I was frying up the chicken and it smelled delicious. They all ended up wanting to try some.

If you keep Losing Sleep - Silverchair

sleepless long nights that is what my youth was for

2007-08-28T00:17:00.000-04:00

My first blog. I have an online journal as well but I never update it so here's to a fresh start!

The summer is almost over and I'm trying to enjoy every last minute of it before I have to go back to school. I made a big list of things to get done so I don't end up hanging around the house doing nothing. Tonight I went out with some friends that I haven't seen in a while.

Grant and Caitlyn. I've known Grant since grade eleven english class.

He's a great guy that I get along with really well.

Jess. Another one of my good friends. I met her from work and we always had a

great time joking around- mostly at her expense.

Kris. He seems like a good guy but I haven't known him for very long.

He and Jess are dating.

ME! I hate when my bangs get like that.
Rob. I think he's going to be really hot when he gets older.

Sadly, he's only sixteen.

Caitlyn is really nice but I feel like she distances herself from me

moreso than other people.

I love Subway.

Creepy eyes!

She's wearing her new Conestoga sweater that she bought today.

She's going there in September for architecture.

I'm so happy she's not going away for school.

Driving my new SUV. I never pictured myself driving one but my dad talked me into it.

It turned out being cheaper than the car I was going to get.

Grant looks high in these pictures for some reason.
:D

Best picture of the night by far!
These are the times when I hate driving. Damn distracting passengers!

This one's a keeper.
I love Rob.
They're both moving to Owen Sound for school in the fall. It sounds like they're basically going to be living together. It seems a little fast to me but I think they'll be okay.

I had a good time even though we didn't do much of anything. We hung out in Rob's basement for a while which was covered in more sports paraphernalia than I've ever seen in one room before. I should have taken a picture of it. Then we went to subway because I hadn't eaten much for dinner.

At the same time though, I couldn't help but thinking how much I'll miss this next year. I feel like everyone is leaving and I'm the loser stuck living at home. I wish we would have started hanging out earlier in the year. I wish we wouldn't have taken the time we had for granted.

1234 - Feist