i'm down if you don't expect any more from me

My mom and I finally had our counseling appointment yesterday. I was a bit apprehensive about it since I had been waiting for two months so I was worried the things I wanted to say just wouldn't come out the same. We mostly talked about my dad and how much things have changed since he's been back. I don't think she understood my feelings about it and why we haven't spoken. She kept saying she just wanted us to be a family again. And I made it clear that I wasn't sure that could ever happen. Because it's not something we can go back to if we never had it in the first place. I said I wanted the three of us to get close again like we were when he was gone. I used the example of Christmas and how she was just focusing on her friend and not on us or trying to do the traditions we usually did. The counselor asked if we did them last year and if my dad would have interfered. I think that's when it hit my mom. It's always just been the three of us with him on the outside. We do our own thing and he goes on the computer or whatever. She's just been so focused on trying to fix their relationship that she's forgotten about us. We went over at lot in that hour and I was glad that I was able to say the things I wanted to without breaking down. I think I'm just more angry now than upset especially now that it's become habit after two months. I said that I couldn't just hang out with him and pretend that everything is okay. Basically the steps we agreed to take is that I have to be upstairs more and not just in my room by myself and she'll talk to me more and spend time with me and John. I can tell she's trying. I think it was a huge wake up call for her.

Cobra Starship - Keep it Simple

but i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

Not much happened for Easter. I got some money and a chocolate heart from Valentine's day (thanks, mom) and we went up to Toronto for lunch at my aunt Jacinta's place.
We went to Ireland Park by the harbour and airport.
I think this was supposed to be in the shape of a boat. The screens to explain the park weren't working.
That's my grandma in the background walking around the sculptures. These two french girls were walking through, just got off the plane, and obviously didn't understand what they were looking at. They started taking pictures of themselves imitating the statues. Who were obviously supposed to be depicting poor people, no shoes, begging for food, etc and they were laughing and having a great old time. Meanwhile my grandma is getting all emotional, as she always does when Ireland is brought up, and I seriously wanted to slap them.
These are the names they've recovered of people coming over in 1847. I found 'Mary McGregor' on the website.
It's officially been spring since Thursday but it's still snowing :(

Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

Stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be

So I'm really thinking about moving out. I would have to wait a while and I'd need to make some major changes but I'm willing to do it. I feel like I'm living by myself now anyway. I was looking at some ads for apartments in the area and they seem pretty reasonable. The only thing is I would need to find people to live with. And if that doesn't work then I guess I could do some kind of off-campus housing or even residence. I just need to get out of here.

My mom was painting at Brigid's all weekend and got back today. What does she say to me? "It would be nice if you cleaned the bathroom once in a while." Kay, all weekend I was barely ever here. When I got back the place was a fucking mess. They do absolutely nothing. Oh sorry, he does the dishes before you get back. I folded some of John's clothes and put them on his bed and asked him for THREE days to put them away and whenever I ask him to do the smallest chore all I hear is "k I'll do it later". No, not fucking later. Do it now. I want to punch him out so badly. I started screaming at him and then I get: "I don't want a sister!" Fuck this shit. We're so dysfunctional. I'm tired of being blamed for this.

The Weakerthans - Night Windows

so say goodbye to love and hold your head up high

New hair cut! I really like the way she styled it this time. Normally she does it all poofy and full of hairspray so this is a lot more natural. I haven't been doing much studying today. I love how my high school teachers scared the shit out of me for university, but actually the majority of time they tell me exactly what to study. Like for tomorrow, he gave us a sheet of ten short answers that we have to pick four from. It's pretty much like my developmental psychology class last year so I think I'll be okay.
I am really, really tired of my mom pretending like everything is fine. She asked if I was going to be home tomorrow because she got something for the family. Give me a break. We're hardly a family. And Valentine's Day sure as hell won't fix that. They don't even make dinner for me anymore. John just realized yesterday that we aren't talking because he didn't want to come through my room to tuck him in. It's been a good month.

We were supposed to have a counseling appointment together but she had to work. Now it's rescheduled until March! I can't wait that long. I can't take this anymore. I'm going to try and talk to her on Friday. But it's going to be tough. She won't like it at all.

City & Colour - Waiting

all i can do is try

I had a counseling appointment today. My Mom set it up for me. I think she thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and start talking to my dad. She always seems to find a way to twist things around and blame things on me.

I mostly talked about my dad and how unhappy I am that he's back. I feel like it's ruined all the progress we've made. This doesn't feel like home anymore. When she asked me what my plans are for the next few years I said probably staying at home. And as I said that I felt so sad. If I could move out now I probably would. I could easily get a bigger loan and start working more hours but then I would have to sacrifice my grades. This sucks.

I realized during the session how much I love John. Because the only time I got close to crying was when I was talking about him. Obviously I've always loved him, but he's just been there. It's hard to relate to him and talk to him but still. I love him so much and I'm worried about how all this is affecting him.

Fiona, the counselor, was pretty nice. She talked more than the university counselor did and was more engaged it seemed. She's had sessions with my mom and John before. She said it would probably be a good idea to talk to my Mom and find out what's going on in regards to him. And to tell her how important family is to me and I don't want to lose what the three of us developed over the past three months. She said that it's their decision about staying together or not but it's up to me whether to talk to him or not. I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't think he's going to change and it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up and left again. Although he lost his job recently. I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

I really wish we all knew how to talk to each other. Communication is the biggest problem we have. And I think everything stems from that. So much easier said than done.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I told her my depression hasn't really gotten much worse. I was terrible last year and just let everything slip away and I don't want to go through that again. I'm trying not to let him affect everything. I've been going to all my classes (mostly because they take attendance as part of my grade but it's good) talking to friends and going to the gym regularly. I think it's helped a lot.

what? honest to blog?

I took this test for my politics class. I thought it would be interesting to post. I hope I like this class since I feel like I don't know much about politics enough to follow it.

Nothing much to report. Still avoiding the parents. I've been in bed pretty much all day. I watched Juno! With Dwight and Michael and George Michael! Not enough Michael Cera for my taste though, only downside.

That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

Personally, I've always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.

McDonald's Christmas party at Jack Astor's

The second guy on the left is Alex, the one people think I was engaged to.
Holly is basically a model. It pisses me off how perfect she is!

"It's not my birthday!!"

That's Rick the owner on the right.

Whoa, this caught me off guard in the bathroom.

Christmas presents. For my mom

Mom
Karina & Josh
From Toronto last weekend.

Hayley.

Nicole.
Cookies for Alyson, Peter, Steve and Holly.

In a flash I have my new year's resolution - aim higher.

"Alfie"

maybe the best proof that language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling right now.

The other night I was on the phone with Kris. My dad came through my room to tuck John in, he gave me this sad look and a kiss on the cheek. Remember, I haven't seen him in almost two and a half months. A few hours later I go up to the kitchen and I realize that it's midnight and that his car is still here. What the fuck is going on.

The next day at work I called my mom. She said that he had asked for forgiveness and I asked what that meant. Basically, now he's living here again. Just like that. It didn't take much. I am absolutely crushed. We all worked so hard to get to the point that we're at now. We're not great, but we were okay. We were independent and getting through it on our own terms. Now, he's come back to fuck it all up. I don't think I've ever been more honest with my mother before. It helped that it was over the phone. I said that I don't love him, he's not apart of my life at all and that I'm fine with that. I don't think he can change. This has happened THREE times in the past year that he was caught, felt bad, came to me crying and said he would change. Not once in all these years have I seen even a hint of improvement from him. I don't think he's going to change. I don't even know if he's capable of it. Of course John is elated about this. Every child will hope that their parents will get back together. I told her to be careful of what she's doing. Because if he goes through that again and he leaves, he will be even more messed up than he is now.

She didn't have a lot of answers for me. She was pretty silent through the whole thing actually. I think she wanted to agree with me but mostly all she said was "I have to follow my heart and forgive him" I don't even know how she could forgive him. Who knows how many times this has happened. And the way he treated her while he was gone was unbelievable. And now everthing is magically fixed? Now he's agreeing to get help? He's fucking lonely and scared. That doesn't count for anything.

The truth? I don't miss you.

I was dreading to go to the family dinner tonight for my dad's side of the family. Thankfully he wasn't there. Neither was my mom. The hugs were longer than normal. Afterwards I would see pity all over their faces. Don't even bother. It happened months ago and you weren't there for me then. I'll survive.

It could have bothered me that you weren't there. But I thought about it, and really there wasn't much of a difference. You would have been downstairs or on the computer isolating yourself. And wanting to leave straight after dinner. I can not stand how unsociable you are especially around your own family. I try so hard not to be like you.

cash rules everything around me

My Mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. My Dad went back to Florida again this weekend to see the girl that he meet online. He went there for the first time like two weeks after he moved out. And once I found out that was going on, I was incredibly hurt. I haven't spoken to him since then. So anyway, he's there again. And yet, he constantly complains that he doesn't have any money. My Mom thinks he's going to move down there for good.

Even before this weekend though, she's been incredibly moody. Her moods can change in a split second. If she gets annoyed with me over whatever, she immediately says something like "you're not being nice to me! or you never help out around the house!" When really, all I do when she comes down to talk to me is listen to her. She doesn't ask me anything about what's going on like with work or how my exams went. And yeah, I'm not constantly cleaning up after myself but I go to school and I have a job? I pick up John from school all the time and do shit without being asked. It's just her way of blaming everything wrong on me. Which she's done for years.

Two nights ago she asked me to look over a profile that she had written for plentyoffish.com and I was just watching What Not to Wear because I was exhausted from working. I was like "uhh Mom that's kind of awkward for me to be doing". That's literally all I said. She went into John's room for a minute and came back with her face all red and yelling "don't ask me to help you out with anything!!" and slammed the door of my room so fucking hard. I wanted to scream at her but I started crying out of pure shock. I could not believe that she didn't understand how I didn't want to be involved with that aspect of her life. I've already told her that she should probably wait a while to even start thinking about that sort of thing. She's so childish and hard to talk to. I haven't talked to her since.

She went upstairs and started yelling at John for something or other. He came down and started saying that he hated her and wanted her out of his life. It killed me because they had just been to a counselling session that day. And even though she had listened to all the shit and pressure that he's going through she still did nothing to improve how she talks to him.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl

all the stars point me to you and lately they just drive me crazy

Updates:

I got 78% overall in social psychology.

John is worrying me and my mom is driving me crazy.
I made Malteaser Cookies but they aren't chocolate-y enough for me.

I'm cursed. I should drop out of school and realize my fate of becoming a lifer.

Matt Costa - Behind the Moon

maybe this year will be better than the last

John's sick
New painting for the dining room

Christmas presents for my Mom

Counting Crows - A Long December

i need some distraction, oh beautiful release

I'm watching City of Angels.They played this song at Tiff's funeral and it's impossible to hear it without thinking of her. I went to Mel's Diner with Kris and Grant last night. Grant had been fighting with Caitlyn over something or other and for a time I was glad to be single and not have to put up with the constant fighting and bickering. Kris and I went out to Old Navy after for their big sale and he bought a ton of clothes. I had a good time. He reminds me of the way Bobbie used to be.

This Christmas is going to be rough. Whenever I watch tv with my Mom it's constantly playing Christmas commercials over and over. With images of the perfect family and the perfect couple. She's been trying to keep herself busy with getting the decorations together but I know it's hard for her. I guess it's better than her lying in bed just thinking about things.

Sarah McLachlan - In the Arms of an Angel

I lied, I can't write today I'm sorry. I found out that I have two midterms tomorrow instead of just the one that I was preparing for. So I'm trying my hardest not to get screwed over. On the plus side, I got new socks and these pillows! Which is ever so exciting. But I got bored while listening to my lecture online so enjoy.



It's getting really uncomfortable to be around my mom. I don't know what to say. She cries ALL the time. It's so awkward. And then it's even worse because she thinks I'm mad at her. God I sound like a bitch. We just watch tv, and even then I cringe because all of these things are reminding her of him. Like the commercial for SCOTT paper towels. And how on the Simpsons tonight Milhouse's parents got back together and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. And then Homer tried to look in their wedding album. Fuck.

I am seriously not enjoying life at all right now. I need to make a huge post explaining everything but I can't. It will make it all too real. I can't deal with my mom and my brother. All I can do is watch tv but I have two midterms and two papers due next week that I haven't started. Life is like a bad OC re-run.

love is just a lyric

My dad is moving out.

I think subconsciously I've been waiting for this to happen ever since last summer. Nothing has changed and I'm not sure if it ever will. It's hard to remember a time when my parents were just happy. I've never looked up to their relationship and I'm afraid of turning into them.

Right now I'm more worried about my mom and John. Because I don't have any sort of relationship to him and I probably won't even notice that he's gone. But my mom is taking it really hard and I have no idea what to say. Last time she stayed in bed for three days. John doesn't know yet but my dad wants me to take him into work so he can find out what's going on. I'm really not looking forward to that. I'd rather just wait in the car. John will be crushed. He doesn't have much a relationship with him either but I know he'll be scared. I'm really afraid for him. I wish he had a better male role model.