don't be sad I know you will, but don't give up

I wrote my last midterm today. I dropped off my petition to drop the french course that I failed. I cashed in my $500 check from school for being poor. I waited in line for two hours to get my OSAP. Overall, a fairly accomplished day.
Allie, my ValenTIME. Fuck. This guy Andrew, who I went to school with, on the radio said Valentime like twenty fucking times in a row. If you're going to go on and on about this stupid day at least say it right. While I was waiting in line, an old man came in with flowers and asked where the Registrar's Office was. He was so old and cute. Then I was like aw, maybe today isn't so bad. And THEN on the way home I was stopped at an intersection and I saw a guy get out of his truck and just started fucking screaming at the little white car in front of him. I was thinking oh fuck, another accident. But then they both drove off on the green light and it was just a girl my age biting her nails because she was freaking terrified. Fuck I really hate today. I think I might drink tonight for the hell of it but I don't even think I have enough malibu to feel anything. Lost is the only thing I have to look forward to. That and I have the next week off.

Things that ARE making me happy today:

• Paris Hilton's new movie rated the worst of all time
• The writer's strike is almost over!
  
• My mom is going to run her friend's new pet store
  

Matthew Good - True Love Will Find You in the End

One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea

I started a list of things to do in my life last week instead of studying for my psychopathology test. Here goes:

1. Get published
2. Visit a prison
3. Have a pen pal
4. Visit family in Africa
5. Overcome a fear
6. Read 100 Greatest Novels
7. Adopt a child
8. Become a regular somewhere
9. Go to teacher's college overseas
10. Go to India, Greece, England, Japan, Australia, France
11. Volunteer abroad
12. Donate blood/bone marrow
13. Go snorkeling
14. Train a seeing eye dog
15. Get a really short haircut
16. Get a tattoo
    
17. Meet a celebrity
18. Become known for something
19. Keep a dream diary
20. Visit a concentration camp
21. Get 90% in a course
22. Adopt a pet
23. Take a risk
24. Find love
25. Swim with dolphins
26. Experiment with interior design

I found this one from three years ago:

[1] learn to play an instrument
[2] ride a horse
[3] be hypnotized
[4] save a life
[5] swim with dolphins
[6] travel in Europe
[7] own a unique pet
[8] surf
[9] bungee jump
[10] ride a gondola
[11] sing a song for someone
[12] see coldplay and U2 in concert
[13] truly live a day like its my last
[14] ride in a horse and carriage

Stars - Calendar Girl

oh happiness! i never thought you'd exist in a simple dance and kiss

A few weeks ago Two Liner played their last show. I was kind of worried because I knew rj would be there with his whole gang. And there he was. With his mohawk and bandanna. We didn't talk, obviously. I knew we wouldn't after our last conversation. Anyway, Lifestory Monologue opened with Dancing & Kisses. I could see him dancing the whole time and looking like an idiot. Before they started playing they said they were dedicating the song to peace and love "because there's not enough of it in this world." Yeah,it was cheesy but it fit. That's why I love going to shows (well, some of them). The music just takes you over and consumes you. I was looking at him and thinking about all the pain and shit he had put me through and I decided to let it all go. I was going to try my best to forgive him.

So why did I have a feeling he would start talking to me last night?

him: are you still on my msn
me: yeah
hmm alright. that's it...
i think i'm going to delete you. i was just wondering if there was a reason for us to talk. there isn't
okay? why did you have to start talking
to know if you still had me online.
duh
bye
obviously if you can see me online
not necessarily. because if you deleted me it doesnt mean i cant see you
unless you blocked me
which you might not have
i dont really care. bye

As much as this talk should have gotten to me and pissed me right off, I didn't let it. It actually made me feel better. Because I'm the bigger person. Because I don't feel bitter anymore. This is how I explained it later:

and if you shake her heart enough she will appear says:
he's honestly the hardest person i've ever had to deal with in my entire life

he obviously didn't have to start that conversation to delete me. if he was civil he would have just done it. but he wants to start shit and show how much he doesn't care

and then fucking get offline to have the last word
i sent him an email saying "i don't really care if we talk either. but it would be nice if you weren't so bitter because you really have no reason to be
if i can't forgive him the least i can do (for myself at least) is to not put up with it anymore. the way i see it is him being angry and bitter just shows how immature and that he still has some kind of feelings toward me

i don't want to be angry towards him i want to feel nothing!

i've been angry at him for a really long time and i'm trying to let it go. i'd rather just feel indifferent towards him'

all that anger is doing nothing for me anyway, it's not healthy

i'm trying to be the bigger person here

if i yell at him he won't respond. he'll just think haha stupid pathetic bitch still likes me
because he thinks everything revolves around him and i know he still thinks i have feelings for him

i need some distraction, oh beautiful release

I'm watching City of Angels.They played this song at Tiff's funeral and it's impossible to hear it without thinking of her. I went to Mel's Diner with Kris and Grant last night. Grant had been fighting with Caitlyn over something or other and for a time I was glad to be single and not have to put up with the constant fighting and bickering. Kris and I went out to Old Navy after for their big sale and he bought a ton of clothes. I had a good time. He reminds me of the way Bobbie used to be.

This Christmas is going to be rough. Whenever I watch tv with my Mom it's constantly playing Christmas commercials over and over. With images of the perfect family and the perfect couple. She's been trying to keep herself busy with getting the decorations together but I know it's hard for her. I guess it's better than her lying in bed just thinking about things.

Sarah McLachlan - In the Arms of an Angel

if you're well off, then i'm happysome for you but i'd rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you

I am SO close to being done with this semester. I'm very excited. I've worked my ass off and I could really use a break. I wrote two papers this week and now my sleeping schedule is all thrown off. Hopefully it'll be worth it. I still have two assignments for social work, a bonus paper for social psych and then three exams to study for. I got an A+ on my social work midterm!

My brother went to his first dance tonight at school. I picked him up and he told me that he was break-dancing and they played 'Kane West' and that 'Soulja Boy song that everybody loves'. Good lord.

I am loving these pj's
My recent purchases! The sweater and shirt are from H&M.

The hat makes me look 5 but I don't care.

The movie is my first present for my friend Rob.

Our as-of-yet undecorated tree.

I can't figure out the night setting on this camera,

I hate how these lights look yellow.

Grumpy Mr. Joe

Poor Allie has an ear infection :(

I started talking to Evey and Bobbie again around the same time, which is odd. I called Evey yesterday because this guy that she had been seeing told her out of the blue that he liked another girl. I feel really bad because it's the first time that she has let herself get close to a guy and that's how he treats her. She said she's glad we're talking now. Bobbie needed help (what a surprise). He could have easily found answers to his university questions by calling them or through a guidance counselor. He was like I know I only go to you for help but... I'm glad that he's finally admitted that but at least he could try and make things right. It's annoying but I'm not going to let myself get caught up in that again.

I still haven't talked to Brandon yet since he's been here. I guess we just aren't online at the same times. And I called East Side Mario's about the job and she was like "I'm just heading off to a meeting to set up an orientation for the people we decide to hire. we're going to call those people later" I love how you tell me you're going to tell me the next day to let me know, and now it's been over a week.

Rilo Kiley - Capturing Moods

I lied, I can't write today I'm sorry. I found out that I have two midterms tomorrow instead of just the one that I was preparing for. So I'm trying my hardest not to get screwed over. On the plus side, I got new socks and these pillows! Which is ever so exciting. But I got bored while listening to my lecture online so enjoy.



It's getting really uncomfortable to be around my mom. I don't know what to say. She cries ALL the time. It's so awkward. And then it's even worse because she thinks I'm mad at her. God I sound like a bitch. We just watch tv, and even then I cringe because all of these things are reminding her of him. Like the commercial for SCOTT paper towels. And how on the Simpsons tonight Milhouse's parents got back together and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. And then Homer tried to look in their wedding album. Fuck.

I returned some movies today and Bobbie looked miserable because he got into a fight with Brooke the night before.

Schadenfreude: a German term for malicious pleasure soetimes felt when someone else suffers.

Hey, at least I'll have a good example for the term to remember for my social psychology midterm today.

you don't know it's right until it's wrong

I went into videoscene today to get Knocked Up and The 40-year Old Virgin. Bobbie cut his hair really short and it almost looks like he has a faux hawk. It's funny to think now that his hair was down to his shoulders when I met him. He looked scary skinny. Maybe it's just because he wears tighter clothes and capri-like jeans with his boxers sticking out.. I told him I wished he could see himself from other people's perspective. He doesn't consider me to be his friend (he says his only friends are Brooke and Karina). Which sucks because I sort of miss his friendship. I mean, I miss the intelligent conversations (whenever I try to talk to my Mom she just stares back at me and is totally unresponsive). And I say sort of because he seems to think friendship means bashing each other's lifestyles and being judgemental. I usually get really down on myself after we talk. He always asks what I'm doing with my life and why I don't have a boyfriend. He makes me feel inadequate and boring. I try to fight back but after a while I just give up. He said he realized that drinking all the time isn't productive and that he could be doing more meaningful things with his time. I looked at him increduously (but doubtfully because he tends to say these sorts of things very hypocritically) and said "I've waited a while to hear you say that" and he immediately shoots back with "you've wasted your teenage years and now you're so locked into your future that you can't afford to fuck up."
I drove home feeling empty. I was hoping my mom would be home so I could watch one of the movies with her and avoid crying but she wasn't. I really need a job to occupy my time and feel a sense of purpose.

Thursday is going to be an awesome TV night. Jim + Pam and George + Izzie all in one night?! It's almost too much for one to handle.


Josh Ritter - Come and Find Me

i can't even hear myself think

I "unofficially" got 41% in french and 65% in philosophy. Fuuuuckkkk.

I. hate. life.

I haven't been sleeping or eating very well lately and I look like crap. Also, I haven't had my medication in a few days so I'm all disoriented. Did I mention that my fridge is broken? It sucks.

I confronted Evey yesterday and she was like "wow I don't know what to say to that." No excuses or apologies. What the fuck.

KT Tunstall - Under The Weather

you can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting

These are from my developmental psychology class. Normally I would think they're odd and alien like. But for some reason I was in awe. Like a new-found appreciation.

This is Jaiden, Ashley's baby. He was born a few weeks ago.
Army of Me - Going through Changes

i know that i should let go, but i can't.

Fuck you insomnia.

I've had barely any sleep these past few days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, yet I can not fall asleep. I wish I had an off button. I read the most boring stuff I can find (and ended up reading 40 pages) and still nothing. My thoughts just keep going and going.

Everytime I see him I become slightly obsessed, I think. I don't even think I like him that way anymore. I just obsess over the details of our relationship. If I could have done something different to change things. And what things would be like now. Honestly, I think I just miss being a "we". When we were saying goodbye to Josh and Karina after lunch, he said "ok, we'll talk to you guys later." Which probably means nothing at all to a normal person, but it made me smile inside. How twisted is that?

And then he has to go and ask why I'm single. As if I have a choice in the matter. I try to play it off and act cool: "sometimes it's good to be single." I wonder how much of that is really true.

Do you ever think about me? (God, I'm so fucking awkward)
uh.. duh where else am I getting LOST?
look I do think about you that's a rhetorical question.
sorry I don't know why I asked that. But I mean, does it matter to you if we're friends? Or would you be indifferent about it?
I'd be indifferent about it, probably.
It's not like I would fall apart without your friendship.
hmm..
are you saying that it would be detrimental to your existence without me?
uh.. no. Obviously.

Little things really bother me. Fuck. I wish I could just stop and be his friend or nothing at all. But I can't decide which would hurt more. Maybe I have this small hope that we'll get back together or something. Which is totally unrealistic. But I mean, he was the first guy I really fell for. I gave him so much. And I don't think that can ever really go away no matter how much time passes.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

Kate Nash - Foundation

all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down

I just got in from taking Allie for a walk. It's always a little scary at night because my neighbourhood is sketchy but I find it so much more refreshing at night. A lot more peaceful and quiet for me to think.

I took Bobbie downtown today to get him a guitar. I never really know what to expect when we hang out. We either have really nice deep talks or it becomes this big battle over how we've differed since we've gone our separate ways. I find it amazing how two people can go from being best friends able to tell each other anything at all, bare each other's souls even to hostile and guarded strangers.

We were walking down King, talking about cults when we ran into Josh and Karina. She just got back from her job interview. We all ended up going out for lunch at the Duke Street Muse, this vegetarian place that I've been wanting to go to for a while. Karina recommended the vegetarian tuna sandwich and it was really good. The four of us ate alone in the basement surrounded by a murral and bright paintings. The conversation was simple and it came easy. It was nice, but at the same time it made me a little sad. I wish the four of us would have hung out together when we were dating. It sort of felt like we were together again for a bit but then I came back. It made me ache to have someone in my life again. For the easy and constant companionship. To always have someone there for me. After we said goodbye and he bought his guitar, I drove him home where Brooke was waiting for him. I joked that it must be serious now that she had the code to open the garage. It's hard to believe that they've been together for ten months. I feel like I've changed a lot since then. It's hard to put into words, but I can feel it. And that's why I don't regret the relationship.

Ben Harper - The Drugs Don't Work