oh happiness! i never thought you'd exist in a simple dance and kiss

A few weeks ago Two Liner played their last show. I was kind of worried because I knew rj would be there with his whole gang. And there he was. With his mohawk and bandanna. We didn't talk, obviously. I knew we wouldn't after our last conversation. Anyway, Lifestory Monologue opened with Dancing & Kisses. I could see him dancing the whole time and looking like an idiot. Before they started playing they said they were dedicating the song to peace and love "because there's not enough of it in this world." Yeah,it was cheesy but it fit. That's why I love going to shows (well, some of them). The music just takes you over and consumes you. I was looking at him and thinking about all the pain and shit he had put me through and I decided to let it all go. I was going to try my best to forgive him.

So why did I have a feeling he would start talking to me last night?

him: are you still on my msn
me: yeah
hmm alright. that's it...
i think i'm going to delete you. i was just wondering if there was a reason for us to talk. there isn't
okay? why did you have to start talking
to know if you still had me online.
duh
bye
obviously if you can see me online
not necessarily. because if you deleted me it doesnt mean i cant see you
unless you blocked me
which you might not have
i dont really care. bye

As much as this talk should have gotten to me and pissed me right off, I didn't let it. It actually made me feel better. Because I'm the bigger person. Because I don't feel bitter anymore. This is how I explained it later:

and if you shake her heart enough she will appear says:
he's honestly the hardest person i've ever had to deal with in my entire life

he obviously didn't have to start that conversation to delete me. if he was civil he would have just done it. but he wants to start shit and show how much he doesn't care

and then fucking get offline to have the last word
i sent him an email saying "i don't really care if we talk either. but it would be nice if you weren't so bitter because you really have no reason to be
if i can't forgive him the least i can do (for myself at least) is to not put up with it anymore. the way i see it is him being angry and bitter just shows how immature and that he still has some kind of feelings toward me

i don't want to be angry towards him i want to feel nothing!

i've been angry at him for a really long time and i'm trying to let it go. i'd rather just feel indifferent towards him'

all that anger is doing nothing for me anyway, it's not healthy

i'm trying to be the bigger person here

if i yell at him he won't respond. he'll just think haha stupid pathetic bitch still likes me
because he thinks everything revolves around him and i know he still thinks i have feelings for him

Things are going to get ugly.

all i can do is try

I had a counseling appointment today. My Mom set it up for me. I think she thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and start talking to my dad. She always seems to find a way to twist things around and blame things on me.

I mostly talked about my dad and how unhappy I am that he's back. I feel like it's ruined all the progress we've made. This doesn't feel like home anymore. When she asked me what my plans are for the next few years I said probably staying at home. And as I said that I felt so sad. If I could move out now I probably would. I could easily get a bigger loan and start working more hours but then I would have to sacrifice my grades. This sucks.

I realized during the session how much I love John. Because the only time I got close to crying was when I was talking about him. Obviously I've always loved him, but he's just been there. It's hard to relate to him and talk to him but still. I love him so much and I'm worried about how all this is affecting him.

Fiona, the counselor, was pretty nice. She talked more than the university counselor did and was more engaged it seemed. She's had sessions with my mom and John before. She said it would probably be a good idea to talk to my Mom and find out what's going on in regards to him. And to tell her how important family is to me and I don't want to lose what the three of us developed over the past three months. She said that it's their decision about staying together or not but it's up to me whether to talk to him or not. I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't think he's going to change and it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up and left again. Although he lost his job recently. I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

I really wish we all knew how to talk to each other. Communication is the biggest problem we have. And I think everything stems from that. So much easier said than done.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I told her my depression hasn't really gotten much worse. I was terrible last year and just let everything slip away and I don't want to go through that again. I'm trying not to let him affect everything. I've been going to all my classes (mostly because they take attendance as part of my grade but it's good) talking to friends and going to the gym regularly. I think it's helped a lot.

what? honest to blog?

I took this test for my politics class. I thought it would be interesting to post. I hope I like this class since I feel like I don't know much about politics enough to follow it.

Nothing much to report. Still avoiding the parents. I've been in bed pretty much all day. I watched Juno! With Dwight and Michael and George Michael! Not enough Michael Cera for my taste though, only downside.

That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

new semester, fresh start

FINE 112
Modern Art, 1874-1945
A study of the culture of Europe and North America from 1874 (Impressionism) to 1945 (Nazi propaganda) with particular focus on the visual arts. Topics such as primitivism', Cubism, 'abstraction', artists' reactions to calamitous world events such as World War I, and various methodologies, including semiotic and Marxist analyses, will be explored through reading and writing assignments.

ISS 150
Lifespan Processes: The Normal Events
An examination of the significant psychosocial events during the lifespan with consideration of the impact of crises. Topics may include attachment, loss, stress, identity crisis, role change, mid-life transition.

ISS 131
Social Ideas, Social Policy and Political Practice
An introduction to some of the major social and political ideas of Western Civilization. Attention is given to the influence and applicability of these ideas to social policy and political practice in contemporary Canada.

PSYCH 323
Psychopathology
This course will survey various categories of abnormal or deviant behaviour such as personality, mood, and psychophysiological disorders; schizophrenia, anxiety, somatoform and dissociative disorders. Clinical methods including assessment, diagnosis, interventions and treatment outcomes will also be considered.

SOC 224
Poverty in Canada and its Social Consequences
A sociological analysis of poverty in contemporary Canada as it underlies a multiplicity of interlocking social problems.

Personally, I've always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.

McDonald's Christmas party at Jack Astor's

The second guy on the left is Alex, the one people think I was engaged to.
Holly is basically a model. It pisses me off how perfect she is!

"It's not my birthday!!"

That's Rick the owner on the right.

Whoa, this caught me off guard in the bathroom.

Christmas presents. For my mom

Mom
Karina & Josh
From Toronto last weekend.

Hayley.

Nicole.
Cookies for Alyson, Peter, Steve and Holly.

In a flash I have my new year's resolution - aim higher.

"Alfie"

maybe the best proof that language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling right now.

The other night I was on the phone with Kris. My dad came through my room to tuck John in, he gave me this sad look and a kiss on the cheek. Remember, I haven't seen him in almost two and a half months. A few hours later I go up to the kitchen and I realize that it's midnight and that his car is still here. What the fuck is going on.

The next day at work I called my mom. She said that he had asked for forgiveness and I asked what that meant. Basically, now he's living here again. Just like that. It didn't take much. I am absolutely crushed. We all worked so hard to get to the point that we're at now. We're not great, but we were okay. We were independent and getting through it on our own terms. Now, he's come back to fuck it all up. I don't think I've ever been more honest with my mother before. It helped that it was over the phone. I said that I don't love him, he's not apart of my life at all and that I'm fine with that. I don't think he can change. This has happened THREE times in the past year that he was caught, felt bad, came to me crying and said he would change. Not once in all these years have I seen even a hint of improvement from him. I don't think he's going to change. I don't even know if he's capable of it. Of course John is elated about this. Every child will hope that their parents will get back together. I told her to be careful of what she's doing. Because if he goes through that again and he leaves, he will be even more messed up than he is now.

She didn't have a lot of answers for me. She was pretty silent through the whole thing actually. I think she wanted to agree with me but mostly all she said was "I have to follow my heart and forgive him" I don't even know how she could forgive him. Who knows how many times this has happened. And the way he treated her while he was gone was unbelievable. And now everthing is magically fixed? Now he's agreeing to get help? He's fucking lonely and scared. That doesn't count for anything.