The truth? I don't miss you.

I was dreading to go to the family dinner tonight for my dad's side of the family. Thankfully he wasn't there. Neither was my mom. The hugs were longer than normal. Afterwards I would see pity all over their faces. Don't even bother. It happened months ago and you weren't there for me then. I'll survive.

It could have bothered me that you weren't there. But I thought about it, and really there wasn't much of a difference. You would have been downstairs or on the computer isolating yourself. And wanting to leave straight after dinner. I can not stand how unsociable you are especially around your own family. I try so hard not to be like you.

our love's floating out the window

I still can't believe I'm back at work. I hope I've finally learned my lesson this time. So there's this rumor that I quit because I couldn't stand working with my ex-boyfriend Alex. Alex, who is a new manager and reminds me a whole lot of a rat, has talked to me maybe twice and I've never worked with him. Nicole is trying to figure out where it came from. But I'm pretty sure this is the first rumor I've been in. Also, a lot of the part-time crew hate me. They think I'm new (and magically know all the stations and in uniform?) and that I'm a bitch when I ask them to do stuff. It's pretty funny. I didn't bother to introduce myself to anyone so I can see where that came from. But I haven't been particularly rude to anyone besides two guys. Well, really it started off as me trying to joke around but with my sarcastic and dry sense of humor I'm pretty sure they took it the wrong way.. this guy Jem kept giving me attitude over it so I pulled him into the office and talked to him. I think he was surprised that I said anything so he didn't say much.

Oh! And the first time some of the part-timers saw me they were talking about me in the crew room trying to figure out who I was. Nathan told them and they were like "Her name is Siobhan? That's totally a black name." WTF! I was laughing over that for a good hour.

Some other quick updates that I don't really feel like writing much about:

• I lost my cell phone the other night. I fucking hate losing things. I know if I replace it it'll just turn up the next day.
• My laptop is going to cost $250 to fix because it's not covered on the warranty. Thanks.
• My Mom got a new job as a courier driver. I'm glad it's steady work and that it won't be so physical. I think she starts next month.
• We had our Christmas dinner for work last night. I was pissed because I was sitting at the end of the big ass table with the old people. All the cool people were in the middle and I couldn't hear their conversation. I got this sweet thai sesame chicken (hey it was free) and everyone else got like chicken and fries? Come on people. I wasn't apart of the secret santa (wasn't last year either) but Violet got me an Old Navy giftcard. Sweet. Jess told the servers that it was Amanda's birthday since she was at the head of the table and she freaked out haha. I'll post pictures when I get my freakin laptop back.

cash rules everything around me

My Mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. My Dad went back to Florida again this weekend to see the girl that he meet online. He went there for the first time like two weeks after he moved out. And once I found out that was going on, I was incredibly hurt. I haven't spoken to him since then. So anyway, he's there again. And yet, he constantly complains that he doesn't have any money. My Mom thinks he's going to move down there for good.

Even before this weekend though, she's been incredibly moody. Her moods can change in a split second. If she gets annoyed with me over whatever, she immediately says something like "you're not being nice to me! or you never help out around the house!" When really, all I do when she comes down to talk to me is listen to her. She doesn't ask me anything about what's going on like with work or how my exams went. And yeah, I'm not constantly cleaning up after myself but I go to school and I have a job? I pick up John from school all the time and do shit without being asked. It's just her way of blaming everything wrong on me. Which she's done for years.

Two nights ago she asked me to look over a profile that she had written for plentyoffish.com and I was just watching What Not to Wear because I was exhausted from working. I was like "uhh Mom that's kind of awkward for me to be doing". That's literally all I said. She went into John's room for a minute and came back with her face all red and yelling "don't ask me to help you out with anything!!" and slammed the door of my room so fucking hard. I wanted to scream at her but I started crying out of pure shock. I could not believe that she didn't understand how I didn't want to be involved with that aspect of her life. I've already told her that she should probably wait a while to even start thinking about that sort of thing. She's so childish and hard to talk to. I haven't talked to her since.

She went upstairs and started yelling at John for something or other. He came down and started saying that he hated her and wanted her out of his life. It killed me because they had just been to a counselling session that day. And even though she had listened to all the shit and pressure that he's going through she still did nothing to improve how she talks to him.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl

all the stars point me to you and lately they just drive me crazy

Updates:

I got 78% overall in social psychology.

John is worrying me and my mom is driving me crazy.
I made Malteaser Cookies but they aren't chocolate-y enough for me.

I'm cursed. I should drop out of school and realize my fate of becoming a lifer.

Matt Costa - Behind the Moon

waiting and hoping to find what i can't figure out yet

I went to the gym for the first time yesterday with my friend Nicole. She was trying to show me all these exercises and how to work out. I was like "I think everyone is looking and me and laughing" and she said "well, that's because they are!" I felt really pathetic. Some lady who must have been in her 60's at least was totally showing me up. And now today I'm sore all over. Does this happen every time after you work out? Because it really doesn't motivate me to go back again.

Today I wrote my last social psychology midterm. Some of the questions were pretty stupid and I feel like I guessed a lot. But it was the last day of classes! Then I went to pay for my $25 parking ticket and the lady was like do you PROMISE to pay and display? And then she didn't make me pay so I was happy.

Even though I don't talk to him anymore I dream almost every night that we get back together. What's the deal with that?

Straylight Run - Now it's Done

How did I spend my Saturday night? Watching American History X and baking these:

Banana Oatmeal Cookies
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

one day you'll be just like us

I'm actually really afraid of this happening. With a guy, or with anyone really.
I haven't done too much this week. I met with a lady to talk about majoring in social development studies and it looks like I'll have to go for four years and then a year of teacher's college. I'm kicking myself right now for not going to laurier. But oh well. We had to go over all of my marks and I was freaking out inside but she actually called me a bright student?! I mean, I was in high school but my marks have gone down dramatically since then. And I dropped tons of courses last year. She told me I should petition to drop my french course that I failed over the summer so that it won't affect my overall average. I got a bunch of brochures for teacher's colleges overseas. None of them say exactly how much it would cost but somewhere between $12,000 - $19,000 depending on the area I lived in. Damn, but apparently in Australia the costs of living are on par with Canada. It's a long way off but I like thinking about it.
Metric - The List