Okay, I really need to start writing again. I've been falling asleep so late because I just keep thinking about random nothingness.

I am finally employed again. After a bit of harassing, I got a job as a server at Boston Pizza. I should have done this a long time ago. It's kind of embarrassing because last night I got trained by this little boy in grade 10 who hasn't hit puberty yet and reminded me of my brother. Then tonight Roberta trained me as a hostess and I used to be her manager. I'm kind of realizing now how young I look because everyone at work assumes that this is my first job and I'm young. Then on top of all that, I have to grin and bear the awkwardness of "uh, how do you say your name? Shu-vaughn? Serious? I thought it was Sio-bahn." Yeah, I get that all the time. So then to top it off, Craig, the man that fired me from McDonald's, was seated behind the host station and staring at me while I had to walk past him 3259810 times.

I got around to having an allergy test yesterday and wow. Okay, so I had to lie there on my stomach shirtless while the nurse put 40 dots along my spine all the while telling me this is for animals, dust, pollen, etc. then pricks me over and over again then I get to lie there for 20 minutes while my back is burning and itching up a storm to then hear her exclaim "oh look at you lit up like a christmas tree!" so I am allergic to all inhalants. I am one of those sad, weird kids allergic to everything. Dust, pollen, grass, trees, dogs, cats, feathers, life, etc. Now I have the pleasure of getting injections twice a week for four months, then once a month for two years. I don't get it. I have bad ears, eyes, chimpmunk cheeks, a baby face, etc. I need to have at least ONE thing going for me. Right?

and to this day when everything breaks, you are the anchor that holds me

I won my settlement! They're mailing a check out tomorrow. I have yet to find a job though.

Stars - My Favourite Book

I haven't had much to update about lately. I finally finished my semester and my exams were pretty rough. I somehow mixed up my first exam because two of my courses had the same course code. So I was thinking it was my psych class when really it was my politics. I felt like a complete idiot. Luckily, it was sort of like my midterm. The essays were mostly about comparing conservatism and liberalism. I headed home to see Kris with a bunch of junk food from my meal card. My parents had gone to California to sort out their relationship or something leaving me to take care of John during exams. Kris has been really great and I love spending time with him. It just all feels really natural.

I slept in for my next exam and by the time I got there it was almost 10am. I figured I wouldn't be able to write the exam anyway, so I tried getting Radiohead tickets in the SLC. I had my account info typed in and the page ready to go so I kept refreshing it because it was literally 9:59. Then I got a message saying my account had been suspended. By the time it was lifted five minutes later they were all sold out. I was really crushed. Radiohead is Kris' all time favourite band, like words can't describe. I walked dejectedly over to the gym where I had to talk to the big scary proctor so that I could write the exam at 4. It was for sociology of poverty and it was the worst exam I've ever written in my life. There was no possible way that I could have studied for it (I didn't even bother) because it was mostly all stats and figures. It was the dumbest thing ever.

Then I got the call from the lady at the labour board. It stirred up all these emotions that I had been trying to get over (see the last post) and so for the last little while I've been trying to get statements from people. I sent an email explaining what was going on to about 50 people that I used to work with:

Hey former employees of McDonald's ;)

So last month I was fired for letting a former employee in the back of wal-mart for literally 5 minutes. I was expecting to get written up or maybe even suspended because I hadn't been in any kind of trouble before. But apparently "it was the biggest breech of policy that I could have committed and they had no choice but to let me go". It's pretty ridiculous because tons of crew and managers have done far worse and gotten away with it, as you well know. The labour board is investigating it and they want me to try to get statements from former crew/managers saying they've witnessed a manager let a non-employee or former crew behind the counter and received no discipline. It doesn't matter if they're still working there now or not, the point is that they aren't being consistent with their policies. If you can remember anything and you'd be willing to write a short statement for me, I would appreciate it so much. Please let me know! And I'd imagine the statement should look something like this:


I, ______, was an employee of Alpine McDonald's from ___ to ___ and I witnessed _____ doing ...

Thanks guys! :)

I have about ten statements so far and there's more people saying they'll write it but haven't gotten around to it. The more the better.

I could see the road ahead of me. I was poor and I was going to stay poor. But I didn't particularly want money. I didn't know what I wanted. Yes, I did. I wanted someplace to hide out, someplace where one didn't have to do anything. The thought of being something didn't only appall me, it sickened me. The thought of being a lawyer or a councilman or engineer, anything like that, seemed impossible to me. To get married, to have children, to get trapped in the family structure. To go someplace to work every day and to return. It was impossible. To do things, simple things, to be part of family picnics, Christmas, the 4th of July, Labour Day, Mother's Day . . . was a man born just to endure those things and then die? I would rather be a dishwasher, return alone to a tiny room and drink myself to sleep.

Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it

When will McDonald's stop haunting me? For serious.

The labour board got back to me today and Marion basically said she can't do anything about my lost raises because 'at least they were paying me minimum wage'. WTF. I know for a fact that every other manager except me got their raise after their performance review. And I waited. For 2 months. And they didn't care.

Now I have to do this:
- who terminated you / date / time / what was said / was there a witness (if so who? and will they give a statement?) / how did you calculate the what you state is owed?

If you were given a termination letter - I need a copy of that letter.

Do you have any witnesses that other managers allowed previous employee's behind the counter and were not reprimanded because of it - if so - I need a statement from them.

Ha! So I have to ask my friends to rat themselves out for me? Good luck with that. I mean I know if a bunch of managers came forward she couldn't very well fire them all but that's not going to happen. Um Nicole let her boyfriend (who was on coke) come to the back the other night. Oh, and did I mention he was a previous employee who got fired for stealing a customer's credit card!

Amy, the one who's boyfriend is responsible for all this, apparently feels "really bad about it all". Oh really? Come and fucking say that to my face. If you think you're mature enough to be ENGAGED while living with your fucking douche bag boyfriend and mother (and co-worker) then you should damn well be mature enough to talk to me about it. It's been a fucking month and I haven't spoken to you but I hear it from everybody how fucking sorry you feel. I bet you'd feel sorry if I reported that you gave out your manager's code to Kris while you could smoke in the bathroom. Health violation much? The store can be shut down in a second for that. Some friend you are.

Oh, and Sylvia, the one who yelled at me and reported it to the head manager, has let crew get HIGH during night shift. AND she's had parties with other managers and crew with special brownies. I love how you're an assistant manager.

But yes, I have almost come to terms that letting an ex-crew come sit in the back for five minutes is the biggest breech of policy I could have committed. ALMOST.

This song is the only thing making me feel better. I've been playing it on repeat all day.

MGMT - Kids

slow down lately lives are moving too fast

A lot has happened since I last updated.

For starters, I got fired. It was a really shitty situation that got hugely blown out of proportion. Basically, in a nut shell, it was because I let my crew watch a movie on my laptop during their break and let this girl we used to work with behind the counter for five minutes. Yep. After four and a half years. I filed a compliant with the labour board because the least they can do is pay me my raises that I didn't get. I felt really frustrated and defeated for a while but I know it's for the best.

It's the end of term, the most stressful time of the year. I had three essays due last month and I was granted extensions because of everything that was going on. I don't really know how well I'm doing in my courses because most of my professors haven't been updating the marks online but I'm not too worried. I have one more essay to write for politics. Then three essays and I'm done.

I've decided not to go to Ireland this summer. The plan was to work full time this month and go at the start of May. But I just sort of stopped thinking about it after I was fired. Yeah, I could have gotten another job but I decided to try to focus on school instead. I just feel like it's not the right time anymore. I want to work a lot and save up money instead of feeling guilty for not earning anything all summer. I'm sure I'll take mini-trips here and there.

On Saturday, I went with Hayley to Phil's, a really gross bar. I only went to see her and our friend Trish because it was her birthday. Before we left she said she didn't want to stay long because Trish's boyfriend Mike beat her up last weekend. Punched her in the nose and she went unconscious after hitting her head from falling back. Oh and did I mention they have a kid together? Just awful. It's hard knowing that she thinks it's okay, it was just a play fight that went too far. She's a really sweet person that deserves nothing but kindness. Turns out that Mike lives with Brandon, the guy from Alberta that I had the most awkward date with back in December. He was there and already pretty drunk. At one point we were standing beside each other and he just kept rambling on about the most pointless things. Hayley noticed that he kept staring at me. After a while we just went outside and never went back. Grabbed some little ceasar's and she slept over. Holy snoring! I was up till like 5 watching White Oleander. I forgot how good that movie is.

I spent most of the weekend with Kris. It was nice. And then to top it off, we had a talk on Tuesday and realized that we like each other. He's my best friend, and I haven't been more comfortable or open with another person before. So I can't really describe how happy I am right now. It's pretty awesome.

The Thrills - Midnight Choir

i'm down if you don't expect any more from me

My mom and I finally had our counseling appointment yesterday. I was a bit apprehensive about it since I had been waiting for two months so I was worried the things I wanted to say just wouldn't come out the same. We mostly talked about my dad and how much things have changed since he's been back. I don't think she understood my feelings about it and why we haven't spoken. She kept saying she just wanted us to be a family again. And I made it clear that I wasn't sure that could ever happen. Because it's not something we can go back to if we never had it in the first place. I said I wanted the three of us to get close again like we were when he was gone. I used the example of Christmas and how she was just focusing on her friend and not on us or trying to do the traditions we usually did. The counselor asked if we did them last year and if my dad would have interfered. I think that's when it hit my mom. It's always just been the three of us with him on the outside. We do our own thing and he goes on the computer or whatever. She's just been so focused on trying to fix their relationship that she's forgotten about us. We went over at lot in that hour and I was glad that I was able to say the things I wanted to without breaking down. I think I'm just more angry now than upset especially now that it's become habit after two months. I said that I couldn't just hang out with him and pretend that everything is okay. Basically the steps we agreed to take is that I have to be upstairs more and not just in my room by myself and she'll talk to me more and spend time with me and John. I can tell she's trying. I think it was a huge wake up call for her.

Cobra Starship - Keep it Simple

New hair! It's hard to get a good picture of it but basically it's short in the back with long bangs. I really, really like it. I was afraid to get my hair cut this short but I'm glad I went through with it.

but i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

Not much happened for Easter. I got some money and a chocolate heart from Valentine's day (thanks, mom) and we went up to Toronto for lunch at my aunt Jacinta's place.
We went to Ireland Park by the harbour and airport.
I think this was supposed to be in the shape of a boat. The screens to explain the park weren't working.
That's my grandma in the background walking around the sculptures. These two french girls were walking through, just got off the plane, and obviously didn't understand what they were looking at. They started taking pictures of themselves imitating the statues. Who were obviously supposed to be depicting poor people, no shoes, begging for food, etc and they were laughing and having a great old time. Meanwhile my grandma is getting all emotional, as she always does when Ireland is brought up, and I seriously wanted to slap them.
These are the names they've recovered of people coming over in 1847. I found 'Mary McGregor' on the website.
It's officially been spring since Thursday but it's still snowing :(

Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

so I can see that look in your eyes the one that shoots me each and every time

We got a butt load of snow over the weekend! I don't think I've ever seen so much snow in my life.
I worked night shift and all night people were like "wow, I can't believe you're open" yeah me neither! I almost killed myself trying to get there. I got stuck coming out of my driveway. I got super frustrated and started screaming and having a freak out in my car. But the windows were all fogged up and I didn't notice there was these three random guys outside. They were like "hey, you're stuck?" and I'm like "I know, THANKS."
And then they helped me for a good 15 minutes to just get out of the driveway. They must have been drunk or something because they were really nice. Then I got stuck another three times because none of the roads were plowed either. We were only busy for an hour or so. Good thing I brought in my laptop so Rob, Tyler, Koby and I could watch Into the Wild in lobby.
We had the lights turned off for a while so people wouldn't come through drive-thru but then the snow plow lady came to do our parking lot and said our lights were off and I thought she would tell my owner so back on they went. After my shift I couldn't find my keys and had to call my parents in to get me. Turns out I had dropped them in the snow. It had to be that day of all days too.

I've been feeling sluggish and depressed lately so I still haven't finished my projects that were due yesterday. I got extensions but I just really don't want to do them. I'm sort of hoping that they'll magically go away. I'm more focused on my trip than getting through this semester.
Adele - Cold Shoulder

you think you want more than you need, until you have it all you won't be free

I went to the gym today with Nicole for the first time in about three weeks. We didn't have much of a workout it was more of a catching up sort of thing. On the way home I realized I had an hour and a half left to write my poverty quiz online so I scrambled to get that finished. I managed to pull off an 85%. I have a seven page report due on Tuesday that keep putting off. I got all of my midterms back and I actually did pretty well.
Art: 88%
Poverty: 88%
Politics: 74% (average was 64%!)
Psychopathology: 84%
Lifespan Processes: 85%
Some new stuff that I got. The Buddha Banks were from Nicole for Valentine's day and they're perfect!
I asked my mom today about the money that my grandma saved up for me for school. I was hoping to have some of it for the trip but she was just like "oh that went towards your car!" Kthanx for telling me.
I went to this local vegan store today and it was pretty amazing. I should have gone a long time ago. I also got falalfal mix with pitas and tzatki-like sauce and I'm so excited to make them! I'm pumped to leave mcdonald's. We had a manager's meeting the other day and I guess they're just throwing the concept of healthy out the window. This is what we're getting:

• rid of delis
• ciabatta sandwiches
• cherry shake, pie, sundae
• Angus burger to replace the Big Extra (720-860 calories)
• McRib (gag! once we make them they're 'good' for TWO HOURS)
  
• replacing the smaller ice cream cone with a larger one
• rid of bacon ranch and oriental salads
• Rolo and Kit Kat McFlurries
• Cinnamon Rolls
• iced coffee
  

You heard it here first people! Oh, I almost forgot to mention, that the deli station (as in the toaster, fridge, toaster oven) that they're getting rid of is worth $20,000. I almost choked on my chocolate easter eggs! That could pay for my tuition! And we used it for a whole two years!
I watched Into the Wild a few days ago with Kris and it was absolutely amazing. Everything was exactly right. It fits the mood that I'm feeling lately really perfectly.
Eddie Vedder - Society

I think I've found my hostel to stay at.

Never let someone allow you to be an option, when you consider them a priority.

i'm so far gone now i've been running on empty

I didn't go to class at all this week. Granted, I only have five but still. I don't really have a good excuse. Evey told me yesterday that she doesn't want to go to Ireland anymore. I was kind of expecting it but it's still a bummer. I just wish she hadn't agreed to it and gotten my hopes up. I think I'll still go. But it's not set in stone. I got my student loan today so that will definitely help if I want to go. As of now I just have to save up for the flight. I also handed in the form to declare my major as social development studies. Little did I know that it's not simply 'declaring' your major but you have to apply for it. Once my marks are in from this term they'll make their decision. To get into the honours program I have to have an overall average of 75% so we'll see. I'm doing well so far, I got in the 80's on all of my midterms. But this month I have all of my assignments due. I should really get started on them soon. Grant and Caitlyn came home this week and I realized how little we all have in common. We're just a group of people that used to work together. We had nothing to talk about except comparing schools (hello, Waterloo wins) and work. It was dull to say the least. And it's weird because when I was drunk on Valentine's and telling all this stuff to Grant (yes, I drank by myself and it was pathetic) he was like "oh you're my best friend so you can tell me stuff." a) we barely ever talk we're not BFF b) when I do tell you stuff you're awkward and don't know what to say.

I don't think I'm in the right mindset to be writing. I think I'll go make nachos and watch Into the Wild.

The Used - Lunacy Fringe

they say you have to have somebody, they say you have to be someone

Last week was my reading week (I mean SPRING BREAK!!!) and I went to North Bay to visit Evey. It was supposed to be a five and a half hour drive but it was more like four with my excessive speeding. Plus I was talking on the phone with Kris and then I realized what an idiot I was. Cops are everywhere and they could have hidden on those intersections in the middle of the highway. It was a really nice drive after Barrie.

Showing off her culinary skillz. All of her room mates had left so it was just the two of us. She goes to Nipissing but she isn't going back next year. I don't think it's her thing.
Our first dinner. There wasn't much pasta it was mostly chicken haha. It was better than it looks.

Why am I so awesome at in the moment pictures?! Here she was trying to explain the concept of beer pong which practically everyone plays there. It's basically the arctic so what else can they do really. Okay, so they all live in these apartment-style residences. There's 6 roomies on two floors, this was taken in her living room. All of the guys' places are really sketch, they're party houses and you have to leave your shoes on because there's puddles of snow and filth everywhere. We went to this one guys house to play beer pong on the last night and these two guys were smoking up in front of us and it was super awkward. The one kept staring at me and when they all tried to get me to drink he was like "ya then you can get wasted and just crash in my bed." Why the fuck do I attract sleezebags lately?
Valentine's Bear from Hallmark. Hallmark = true love <3>
I think this was supposed to be like a bucket for trick or treating but I found it hilarious.

This is the second night at East Side Mario's for her friend's birthday. Gosh I hanging around twenty people I don't know and will never see again.
Mike, a guy that she likes. I love how he's making so much effort to be close with her for the picture.On the drive home. I listened to a bunch of old remix cd's from high school and it was so weird. Half of the stuff was pop-punk (total Eddie influence) but there was some good stuff like Streetlight Manifesto that's really good for screaming when you're driving at 7pm down the 401.

Nada Surf - I Like What You Say

Stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be

So I'm really thinking about moving out. I would have to wait a while and I'd need to make some major changes but I'm willing to do it. I feel like I'm living by myself now anyway. I was looking at some ads for apartments in the area and they seem pretty reasonable. The only thing is I would need to find people to live with. And if that doesn't work then I guess I could do some kind of off-campus housing or even residence. I just need to get out of here.

My mom was painting at Brigid's all weekend and got back today. What does she say to me? "It would be nice if you cleaned the bathroom once in a while." Kay, all weekend I was barely ever here. When I got back the place was a fucking mess. They do absolutely nothing. Oh sorry, he does the dishes before you get back. I folded some of John's clothes and put them on his bed and asked him for THREE days to put them away and whenever I ask him to do the smallest chore all I hear is "k I'll do it later". No, not fucking later. Do it now. I want to punch him out so badly. I started screaming at him and then I get: "I don't want a sister!" Fuck this shit. We're so dysfunctional. I'm tired of being blamed for this.

The Weakerthans - Night Windows

Night shift wasn't so bad (really why else would I be awake at 8am on a Saturday morning?) even though I worked with all guys. I was dreading it, thinking I would have no one to talk to and would be stuck doing all the work. But actually, guys can be better to work with sometimes. Especially when I was feeling shitty from before. Girls at work are all about drama and complaining and it would have made time crawl by. This one guy Mike that I worked with looks super scary and all death-metal-y but he was awesome and pretty much made the night. He was telling us all these awkward sex/drinking/drug/getting his dick pierced stories. So in a nutshell he's done pretty much every drug except heroin and deals it (he recommends acid and says it's not as bad as people make it out to be), he was hit by a car and stabbed himself in the head with a broken beer bottle in one day, I don't know just crazy shit. But THEN out of the blue he was like hey, have you ever seen the Notebook? I can never get past that part where she has to leave him. It makes me cry every time.. I have to turn it off. I've tried four times but I can't do it. I was like awww, I love you for that :)

Now, sleep. Then do it all over again.

I feel like I'm slowly sinking into depression again.

don't be sad I know you will, but don't give up

I wrote my last midterm today. I dropped off my petition to drop the french course that I failed. I cashed in my $500 check from school for being poor. I waited in line for two hours to get my OSAP. Overall, a fairly accomplished day.
Allie, my ValenTIME. Fuck. This guy Andrew, who I went to school with, on the radio said Valentime like twenty fucking times in a row. If you're going to go on and on about this stupid day at least say it right. While I was waiting in line, an old man came in with flowers and asked where the Registrar's Office was. He was so old and cute. Then I was like aw, maybe today isn't so bad. And THEN on the way home I was stopped at an intersection and I saw a guy get out of his truck and just started fucking screaming at the little white car in front of him. I was thinking oh fuck, another accident. But then they both drove off on the green light and it was just a girl my age biting her nails because she was freaking terrified. Fuck I really hate today. I think I might drink tonight for the hell of it but I don't even think I have enough malibu to feel anything. Lost is the only thing I have to look forward to. That and I have the next week off.

Things that ARE making me happy today:

• Paris Hilton's new movie rated the worst of all time
• The writer's strike is almost over!
  
• My mom is going to run her friend's new pet store
  

Matthew Good - True Love Will Find You in the End

so say goodbye to love and hold your head up high

New hair cut! I really like the way she styled it this time. Normally she does it all poofy and full of hairspray so this is a lot more natural. I haven't been doing much studying today. I love how my high school teachers scared the shit out of me for university, but actually the majority of time they tell me exactly what to study. Like for tomorrow, he gave us a sheet of ten short answers that we have to pick four from. It's pretty much like my developmental psychology class last year so I think I'll be okay.
I am really, really tired of my mom pretending like everything is fine. She asked if I was going to be home tomorrow because she got something for the family. Give me a break. We're hardly a family. And Valentine's Day sure as hell won't fix that. They don't even make dinner for me anymore. John just realized yesterday that we aren't talking because he didn't want to come through my room to tuck him in. It's been a good month.

We were supposed to have a counseling appointment together but she had to work. Now it's rescheduled until March! I can't wait that long. I can't take this anymore. I'm going to try and talk to her on Friday. But it's going to be tough. She won't like it at all.

City & Colour - Waiting

Okay, this is lame I know, shut up Karina! Everyone else is doing it! No, not really. But I'm bored and I need to make sure I don't have a nap. I think I did okay on my politics midterm. I don't think I've ever used up the whole time for a test before. Usually when the majority of people finish, I freak out and finish up really fast.

Start Time: 5:03 pm

001. What is your name? Siobhan
002. Spell your name backwards: nahbois
003. Date of birth: November 2nd, 1988
004. Male or female? Female
005. Astrological sign: Scorpio
006. Nicknames: Sio, Sha, Bobby (my brother couldn't say my name), Joan, Chevy, Sh-bon-bon, Siobhany
008. Height: Average but I wish I was taller
009. Weight: 125
010. Hair colour: Naturally a dirty blond but it's reddish-brown now
011. Eye colour: Blue
012. Where were you born?
013. Where do you reside now?
015. Screen names: varies
017. What does your screen name stand for?
018. What is your lj name? used to be stardust88 because I'm creative like that
019. What does your Blurty name stand for: blurty?
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? not sure, but I know it wasn't 19
022. Piercings? 0 my ears don't like to heal properly
023. Tattoo's? 0 but I hope to get one eventually
024. Shoe size: 8.5
025. Righty or lefty? Righty
026. Wearing: PJs and sweater
027. Hearing: Metric - Hustle Rose
028. Feeling: Cold, anxious for my last midterm
029. Eating/drinking: Water

Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff

061. Have you ever been in love? Yes.
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? 3?
063. How many people have you been in love with? probably 1
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? Not that I know of!
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? No my brother is younger than me
116. Are your parents divorced? No
117. Do you have step parents? No
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? Yeah, there's a few people on each side that we don't talk to and vice versa.
119. If so for what? My uncle isn't involved with the family and I don't really know much else, my aunt is moouching severely off my grandma and there's no way she can pay her back so my mom and aunt are pissed.
120. Did some of your family come to Canada from another country? England, Ireland and South Africa.

Music Stuff

121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? Depends on the mood. I guess Bittersweet Symphony describes how I'm feeling most of the time.
122. What's the most embarrasing cd you own? I was going through them the other day actually. Apparently I had a thing for European pop music when I was little. Like the Spice Girls (obviously) Blue, Five, Bewitched, etc.
123. What's the best cd you own? Probably Matt Good. I hardly own any cds.
124. What song do you absolutely hate? Soulja Boy comes to mind.
125. Do you sing in the shower? On good days when I'm not in a hurry.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone? I don't know.

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Tell Me If You Like Them Or Not!

127. Pink: Used to but not really my thing.
128. Aerosmith: That one song but it reminds me of Kristina singing to Mat so it kind of ruins it for me.
129. Madonna: Well she's a classic. I like that song Hung Up a lot.
130. Korn: No.
131. Backstreet Boys: I saw them in concert a few years ago haha.
132. The Beatles: They're alright.
133. Sublime: Meh
134. J.Lo: No.
135. Nsync: No, true BSB fan all the way.
136. Limp Bizkit: Ha
137. Britney Spears: I'm miss American dream since I was 17...
138. Creed: Omg
139. Enrique Iglesias: No but his ping pong song or whatever it is reminds me of Rob & Big
140. Good Charlotte: No
141. Christina Aguilera: No
143. New Found Glory: haha total Eddie
144. Kelly Clarkston: No
145. Kelly Osbourne: Is she really still considered an artist
146. Mandy Moore: Aw Mandy. But no
147. Eve: No
148. Aaliyah: No
149. Nelly: No
150. Alicia Keys: ?
151. Incubus: They're ok

Favorites
((i know that someone probably can't fill this part out. you can skip it))

152. Colour: Yellow
153. Food: pizza
154. Song: Bittersweet Symphony
155. Show: Tied between The Office and Lost
156. School subject: This semester, psychopathology
157. Band/singer: Coldplay
158. Animal: Dog
159. Outfit: I usually wear a hoodie and jeans but I like looking dressy and classy too when I can!
160. Radio station: 102.1 The Edge, 91.5 The Beat, 88.3 CJIQ
161. Movie: There's a lot but Juno is the latest
162. Pair of shoes: Slip ons!
163. Cartoon: South Park
164. Actor: Not sure
165. Day of the week: Sunday
166. Potato chips: Dill pickle
167. Drink: Water or orange juice
168. Alcholic drink: Malibu
169. Holiday: Christmas I guess
170. Perfume/cologne: Clinque
171. Pizza topping: Cheeeese
172. Jello flavor: Strawberry
173. Lunch meat: No meat for me
174. Board game: Don't play any
175. Video game: uh Spyro? or Harry Potter haha
176. Website: Facebook, Blogger, Post Secret
177. Book: 1984
178. Computer game: The Sims
179. Number: 8
180. Cereal: Lucky Charms
181. Comedian: Adam Sandler
182. Dessert: Ice Cream.
183. Disney character: hmm
184. Clothing store: American Eagle.
185. Memory: Hard to think of one.
186. Teacher: Prof Ennis and Dawson
187. Childhood toy: Simpson dolls
188. Playland game/ride: Ghoster Coaster
189. Candy bar: Crunchie
190. Magazine: Seventeen
191. Salad dressing: Caesar
192. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep and watch movies
193. Hot drink: Not much of a hot beverage girl
194. Season: Spring
195. Sport to watch: Figure skating
196. Person to talk to online: Karina

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits

197. What colour are your sheets? Gold
198. What colour are your bedroom walls? Brown
199. Do you have posters on your wall? No just my calendar
200. If so of what?
201. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Yep
202. How many pillows are on your bed? 3.
203. What do you normally sleep in? PJs.
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: Green plaid pants and t-shirt
205. What size bed do you have? Double
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? No gross
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? No who does that anymore
208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? Not anymore.
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: I backed into a red car.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, I never really have.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? Easily two
212. Do you sleep weird? No but I have to fall asleep on my side.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? No.
214. Do you snore? I don't think so
215. How about drool? Everybody drools occasionally.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? Yes I hate alarm clocks!
217. What colour is the carpet in your room? Beige
218. What an odd ? huh?

This or that

219. Beach/mountains: Beach
220. Donuts/bagels? Bagels
221. Day/night: Night
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: The not-dead one.
223. Heaven/hell: lolz
224. Make love/have sex: lolz is this a srs question
225. Coffee/tea: Neither
228. Britney/Christina: Britney is more entertaining
229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Real World for sure
231. Backstreet Boys/Nsync: BSB
232. Silver/gold: Silver.
233. Nike/Adidas: Neither
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet.
236. Punk/emo: Hard question! Emo I guess
237. Hot/cold: Hot
238. Winter/summer: Summer
239. Spring/fall: Spring
240. Operas/plays: Plays.
241. Read/watch tv: Read
242. Cd's/tapes: CDS
243. Dvd's/vhs: DVDS
244. Old/new: new
245. Shorts/skirts: shorts.
247. Coloured pictures/black and white photos: coloured
248. Meat/vegetables: Vegetables
249. Mexican food/chinese: Mexican.
250. Commercials/infomercials: Lame
251. Scary movies/comedies: Both but it depends on the mood
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: Sandals.
254. Dogs/cats: Dogs.
255. Unicorns/fairies: fairies
256. Water/land: land
257. Sugar/spice: Sugar
258. Black/white: White
259. ribbons/bows: Lame!
260. Chicken/beef: Chicken
261. Coloured christmas lights/white christmas lights: Coloured
262. Cars/trucks: Cars
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: Austin Powers.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Popcorn
265. Hip/hop: lolz
266. Passionate kiss/peck: Kiss
267. WWE wrestling/real wrestling: Neither.
268. Back rub/foot massage: Either! I could go for one right now.
269. Picture frames/photo albums: Albums.
270. Pens/pencils: Pencils.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following

271. Eminem: His slower songs are good
272. Virgins: Amazing?
273. God: I don't think I believe
274. The Osbournes: Funny
275. Reality TV: Depends on the show
276. J.Lo: Extravagant
277. Religion: interesting
278. Emo music: Sometimes okay
279. Valentine's Day: lame!
280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: don't care
281. Homosexuals: Love is love
282. Abortion: Pro-choice.
283: Inter-racial relationships?: Sure.
284. Murder: Wrong
285. Death: This is your life and it's ending one second at a time
286. Obesity: Entirely preventable
287. Pre-marital sex: Happens all the time.. I don't believe in marriage so
288. Terrorism: sad, chaotic, messy
289. Pornography: On the radio they said they found 4,000 computers in Toronto alone with child porn!
290. Fortune tellers: I'm still not convinced
292. Prostitution: sad and scary
293. Politics: Still trying to figure that out
294. Country music: oh man
295. George W. Bush: wow
296. Cloning: on the fence
297. Britney's boobs: ?
298. Gas prices in Canada: high

Name Game

What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?
299. Jack: Black
300. Tiffany: Co.
301. Ben: cousin
302. Maria:
303. Jennifer: Aniston
304. Nicole: Good friend of mine
305. Amy: Friend that is always sick!
306. Adam: and Eve.
307. Richard: Arrested Development
308. Justin: JT!
309. Arnold: Hey Arnold!
310. Tom: Kat
311. Melissa: Missy
312. Charlotte: Sex & the City
313. Harold:
314. John: Bro
315. Joel: guy from work
316. Vanessa: vinegar
317. Michelle:
318. Kevin: jail bait
319. Brent:
320. Jake: Gyllenhal
321. Billy:
322. Sarah: Ryan
323. Natalie: girl from work
324. Christi: Laguna
325. Nick: Crack
326. Lindsay: girl from work
327. Taylor: Laguna
328. Jordan: girl from work!
329. Jamie: bff from grade 8
330. Christian: Ventura

Have You Ever

331. Mooned anyone? No
332. Been on a diet? No.
333. Been to a foreign country? Ireland, Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Caymen
334. Broken a bone? Not yet...
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? No.
336. Swear at a teacher? Not to their face
337. Talked to a lj member via e-mails or instant messages? No
339. Dated a teacher? No
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yeah
341. Thought about killing your enemy? Probably
342. Gone skinny dipping? No
343. Met another Blurty member in the flesh? What? No
344. Told a little white lie? Yes
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? Probably
346. Stolen anything? Yes from work
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? Yes
348. Been on TV? I was in a commercial when I was a kid but they taped over it
349. Been on the radio? No
350. Been in a mosh pit? Yes! I was terrified
351. Been to a concert? Yes: Taste of Chaos, Sum41, Avril, BSB, Taking Back Sunday, Matt Good
352. Dated one of your best friends? No
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? Yes
354. Decieved somebody close to you? Yes
355. Broken the law? Yes I speed all the time
356. Been to a rodeo? No
357. Been on a talk show? No.
358. Been on a game show? No
359. Been on an airplane? Yep
360. Got to ride on a firetruck? No but I went through one with my jk class
361. Came close to dying? No
362. Cheated on a bf/gf? No
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? Yes
364. Terrorized a babysitter? No?
365. Made a mud pie? No
366. Had a dream that your falling off a cliff? I dream of falling and flying a lot
367. Snuck out of the house at night? Yes for Nick's party oi oi
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? No.
369. Had an eating disorder? No
370. Felt like you didn't belong? It happens.
372. Smoked? No
373. Done drugs? No
374. Been arrested? No
375. Had your tonsils removed? No
376. Gone to camp? No but I was a camp leader
377. Won a bet? Yes
378. Written a love letter? Yep
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? Yep
380. Written a love poem? No.
381. Kissed in the rain? No
382. Slow danced with someone you love? Yes
383. Participated in cyber? No
384. Faked an orgasm? No
385. Stolen a kiss? No
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? Obviously, I just did
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? No
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love? Yeah
389. Gotten a speeding ticket? No
390. Done jail time? No.
391. Had to wear a uniform to work? Yes.
392. Won a trophy? Yes for skating
393. Thrown up in public? At Disney!
394. Bowled a perfect game? No
395. Failed/got held back? French
396. Got perfect attendance in school? In grade 3 then I was sick for the next three days
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? No
398. Taken ballet lessons? Yes for a year but I got growing pains a lot
399. Attempted suicide? No.
400. Cut yourself? No.

Childhood Stuff

401. Did you play with Barbies? No but everyone bought them for me and I never knew what to do with them.
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? One I think
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? No never
404. Did you play Simon Says? Yes and all the time last summer
405. Did you watch Fraggle Rock? No but I read the books
406. Did you wet the bed? At some point, probably.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? Yes
408. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them? No
409. Were you shy? yaaa
410. Were you spoiled? Yes I was an only child until the age of 7
411. Were you abused? No.
412. Did you go to the circus? Yes at the arena and I hated that the elephants were chained up
413. Did you go to the zoo? No my mom hates them and I probably would too
414. Were you in a car accident? No
415. Did you build snowmen? Yes
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? Yes..
417. Were your older cousins mean to you? Yeah because I was the youngest on my dad's side and no one knew what to do with me because I just sat there and listened
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? No
420. Were you afraid of the dark? Yes!!
421. Did you have slumber parties? Yes they were the best
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, curtains, sleeping bags,dolls and pajamas? No.
423. Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany? No
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? Yes
425. Do you believe in aliens? Not really
426. Name three things that are next to your computer: light, candle, phone
427. Do you have any hidden talents? I can wiggle my ears
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? No much music is good for that
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? Comedy, probably.
430. What would your movie star name be? Siobhan is original enough
431. Do you play any sports? No
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Probably the first time I saw Saw
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? Juno
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? That one with Aalyiah and vampires trying to become rock stars
435. Do you drive? Yep
436. What is your dream car? Maybe a mini cooper
437. Do you think your good looking? Sometimes
438. Do others think you are good looking? I guess?
439. Would you ever sky dive? I think so
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? No
441. How many rooms do you have in your house? Not that many
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? No I love em
443. Do you believe in God? Not at the moment
444. Do you believe in Satan? No
445. Do you believe there is a heaven? No
446. Do you believe there is a hell? No
447. Do you own a pooltable? No
448. Do you have a pool? No
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? No.
450. Do you like chocolate? Yessssss
451. Who/what is on your 2007 calendar? University of Waterloo, woot
452. How many U.S. states have you been to? A lot, we used to drive to Florida every year and I've been to Vegas a few times
453. Ever wished on a shooting star? No
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? Hippie in grade 5
455. Do you carry any weapons on you? No.
456. What is your weakness? I can be too nice and can't say no
457. Name something you can't get enough of: sleep
458. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: easygoing, friendly, quiet
459. How many kids do you want to have? two
460. Future daughters names: I have some I like that I can't think of, probably Irish names though
461. Future sons names: I liked Tristan
462. What is your ideal way to die? happy with no regrets
463. How do you release stress? veg out and watch movies or write
464. Are you a trendy person? Not really
465. Are you an artisitic person? No
466. Are you a realistic person? Usually
467. Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off? No I love slip-ons
468. Are you a strong person? No but I'm getting there
469. Are you a strong willed person? Yes.
470. Who is the last person to e-mail you? school
471. Who is the last person to IM you? Josh
472. Do you hate chain e-mails? YES
473. Are you a deep sleeper? Once I get to sleep, yes.
474. Are you a good story teller? If I'm hyper
475. What do you believe is your best quality? I can read people pretty well and give decent advice
476. What is your greatest accomplishment? Getting this far in university, for sure!
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles, I usually burn one when I'm doing homework
478. Do you do yoga? No.
479. Do you have your own credit card? Yep
480. Let's say you win the lotto? Pay for school, invest a bunch in high-interest savings, travel, donate, buy a house
481. Do you have a check book? No
482. Do you like your driver? hmm
483. Do you tan easily? No! I've been tan about twice in my lifetime
484. What colour is your hair naturally? Sandy brown.
485. How many fillings do you have? none
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? None.
487. Worst feeling in the world? Rejection.
488. Best feeling in the world? Love
490. Last thing you downloaded? Silversun Pickups
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? Yep in lame ways
492. What do you think people think of you? They say I'm nice, friendly, hard worker
493. Are you a likeable person? So I'm told.
494. Do you need therapy? Yes
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? Yes
496. What the best way to be proposed to? Not sure, but not corny
497. What kind of movie would you strge, would they call it Fed UPS? huh?
499. When are you moving? I really hope to move out soon but it's doubtful
500. End Time? 2:36 am

I think I did really well on my history of art midterm! I was worried because I couldn't remember the years that the paintings were done but I used tricks to remember them. I'm starting to really like that class. One down, two to go!

One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea

I started a list of things to do in my life last week instead of studying for my psychopathology test. Here goes:

1. Get published
2. Visit a prison
3. Have a pen pal
4. Visit family in Africa
5. Overcome a fear
6. Read 100 Greatest Novels
7. Adopt a child
8. Become a regular somewhere
9. Go to teacher's college overseas
10. Go to India, Greece, England, Japan, Australia, France
11. Volunteer abroad
12. Donate blood/bone marrow
13. Go snorkeling
14. Train a seeing eye dog
15. Get a really short haircut
16. Get a tattoo
    
17. Meet a celebrity
18. Become known for something
19. Keep a dream diary
20. Visit a concentration camp
21. Get 90% in a course
22. Adopt a pet
23. Take a risk
24. Find love
25. Swim with dolphins
26. Experiment with interior design

I found this one from three years ago:

[1] learn to play an instrument
[2] ride a horse
[3] be hypnotized
[4] save a life
[5] swim with dolphins
[6] travel in Europe
[7] own a unique pet
[8] surf
[9] bungee jump
[10] ride a gondola
[11] sing a song for someone
[12] see coldplay and U2 in concert
[13] truly live a day like its my last
[14] ride in a horse and carriage

Stars - Calendar Girl

Alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

My day went pretty well. I went out for lunch with Nicole and Jess to this place downtown called Marbles. It was pretty cute and there were pictures of kids playing with marbles everywhere. We were all wearing a yellow top for some crazy reason and our waitress was like, "so, um, we were all talking.. and just wondering why you're all wearing yellow?" We should have said we were apart of some lame club or something. We had this amazing banana chocolate chip cake for dessert, wow. After we went to the gym and ended up playing squash. We didn't even know how to play it really, and I couldn't take it seriously with the goggles so they didn't last long. Every time we missed or the ball didn't bounce back we would have to do jumping jacks or do shuttle runs. It was my idea to fit 'cardio' in but it wasn't fun near the end let me tell you.

I wrote my poverty exam and got an 88% on it. Pretty psyched about that, except I had to look up all the answers because it was like: "what was the rate of poverty in such and such year". So I'm going to do ridiculously bad on the exam. I have three fucking midterms next week that I have yet to study for! Crap.

I went into work to get my review. Amanda was doing them for the first time and we talked for like an hour. It went really well actually. I was kind of worried because Jess only got a 20 cent raise (mainly because a boss came in and caught her throwing a spitball.. up at the front) but I got 40 cents. Woohoo.. But hey it adds up. She was like, "I'm really happy that you're back! All the crew really like you and respect you. They had all these good things to say about you at the rap session and I was really happy to hear them. They said you were really nice and talkative and worked alongside them." I was practically beaming. Sort of like when Miranda on Grey's got promoted to Chief Resident. Except for the awkward hug. I mean, obviously I'm one of the best swing managers (no, really) but it's nice to hear it once and a while especially when I'm used to hearing all about the negative things.

I've been having pretty bad insomnia lately. Last night I was up until 5:30am and I haven't been to my morning class in a while. Which is bad because he takes attendance. I just finished watching Reign Over Me and wow, completely heartbreaking. Definitely cried. It's probably the best serious Adam Sandler role. It got to the point where I didn't even remember it was him.

The Decemberists - Here I Dreamt I was an Architect

because the keys to the kingdom got lost inside the kingdom

Taking a break from studying. Actually, no I shouldn't call it that. It's more like writing everything down and using a ton of sticky notes to get ready for my online midterm. I feel sort of bad doing that, but then I don't at the same time.

I'm doing well (so far). I got an 83% on my first psychopathology midterm. Yes, it is as cool as it sounds. The test was about anxiety disorders (panic disorders, generalized anxiety, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder), dissociative and somative disorders (amnesia, multiple personalities, somataform, conversion, body dysmorphic disorder, pain disorder). I don't know why I felt the need to type all that out, but basically I'm learning about some crazy shit. Our bodies and minds are capable of extraordinary things, to say in the least.

I got 75% on my poverty assignment, but that was only because Steve did that for me. And I got 70% on my last art quiz. Here's some of my favourite pictures so far:

Edouard Manet, A Bar at the Folies-Bergere, 1882

Mary Cassatt, The Boating Party, 1893.

Georges Seurat, A Sunday Afternoon on the Island
of the Grande Jatte, 1884.

Gustav Courbet, The Studio of the Painter: A Real Allegory
Summing up Seven Years of My Artistic Life, 1854.

Edouard Manet, Olympia, 1863.

Josh Ritter - Girl in the War

oh happiness! i never thought you'd exist in a simple dance and kiss

A few weeks ago Two Liner played their last show. I was kind of worried because I knew rj would be there with his whole gang. And there he was. With his mohawk and bandanna. We didn't talk, obviously. I knew we wouldn't after our last conversation. Anyway, Lifestory Monologue opened with Dancing & Kisses. I could see him dancing the whole time and looking like an idiot. Before they started playing they said they were dedicating the song to peace and love "because there's not enough of it in this world." Yeah,it was cheesy but it fit. That's why I love going to shows (well, some of them). The music just takes you over and consumes you. I was looking at him and thinking about all the pain and shit he had put me through and I decided to let it all go. I was going to try my best to forgive him.

So why did I have a feeling he would start talking to me last night?

him: are you still on my msn
me: yeah
hmm alright. that's it...
i think i'm going to delete you. i was just wondering if there was a reason for us to talk. there isn't
okay? why did you have to start talking
to know if you still had me online.
duh
bye
obviously if you can see me online
not necessarily. because if you deleted me it doesnt mean i cant see you
unless you blocked me
which you might not have
i dont really care. bye

As much as this talk should have gotten to me and pissed me right off, I didn't let it. It actually made me feel better. Because I'm the bigger person. Because I don't feel bitter anymore. This is how I explained it later:

and if you shake her heart enough she will appear says:
he's honestly the hardest person i've ever had to deal with in my entire life

he obviously didn't have to start that conversation to delete me. if he was civil he would have just done it. but he wants to start shit and show how much he doesn't care

and then fucking get offline to have the last word
i sent him an email saying "i don't really care if we talk either. but it would be nice if you weren't so bitter because you really have no reason to be
if i can't forgive him the least i can do (for myself at least) is to not put up with it anymore. the way i see it is him being angry and bitter just shows how immature and that he still has some kind of feelings toward me

i don't want to be angry towards him i want to feel nothing!

i've been angry at him for a really long time and i'm trying to let it go. i'd rather just feel indifferent towards him'

all that anger is doing nothing for me anyway, it's not healthy

i'm trying to be the bigger person here

if i yell at him he won't respond. he'll just think haha stupid pathetic bitch still likes me
because he thinks everything revolves around him and i know he still thinks i have feelings for him

Things are going to get ugly.

all i can do is try

I had a counseling appointment today. My Mom set it up for me. I think she thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and start talking to my dad. She always seems to find a way to twist things around and blame things on me.

I mostly talked about my dad and how unhappy I am that he's back. I feel like it's ruined all the progress we've made. This doesn't feel like home anymore. When she asked me what my plans are for the next few years I said probably staying at home. And as I said that I felt so sad. If I could move out now I probably would. I could easily get a bigger loan and start working more hours but then I would have to sacrifice my grades. This sucks.

I realized during the session how much I love John. Because the only time I got close to crying was when I was talking about him. Obviously I've always loved him, but he's just been there. It's hard to relate to him and talk to him but still. I love him so much and I'm worried about how all this is affecting him.

Fiona, the counselor, was pretty nice. She talked more than the university counselor did and was more engaged it seemed. She's had sessions with my mom and John before. She said it would probably be a good idea to talk to my Mom and find out what's going on in regards to him. And to tell her how important family is to me and I don't want to lose what the three of us developed over the past three months. She said that it's their decision about staying together or not but it's up to me whether to talk to him or not. I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't think he's going to change and it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up and left again. Although he lost his job recently. I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

I really wish we all knew how to talk to each other. Communication is the biggest problem we have. And I think everything stems from that. So much easier said than done.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I told her my depression hasn't really gotten much worse. I was terrible last year and just let everything slip away and I don't want to go through that again. I'm trying not to let him affect everything. I've been going to all my classes (mostly because they take attendance as part of my grade but it's good) talking to friends and going to the gym regularly. I think it's helped a lot.

what? honest to blog?

I took this test for my politics class. I thought it would be interesting to post. I hope I like this class since I feel like I don't know much about politics enough to follow it.

Nothing much to report. Still avoiding the parents. I've been in bed pretty much all day. I watched Juno! With Dwight and Michael and George Michael! Not enough Michael Cera for my taste though, only downside.

That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.