all i can do is try

I had a counseling appointment today. My Mom set it up for me. I think she thinks that I'm the one that needs to change and start talking to my dad. She always seems to find a way to twist things around and blame things on me.

I mostly talked about my dad and how unhappy I am that he's back. I feel like it's ruined all the progress we've made. This doesn't feel like home anymore. When she asked me what my plans are for the next few years I said probably staying at home. And as I said that I felt so sad. If I could move out now I probably would. I could easily get a bigger loan and start working more hours but then I would have to sacrifice my grades. This sucks.

I realized during the session how much I love John. Because the only time I got close to crying was when I was talking about him. Obviously I've always loved him, but he's just been there. It's hard to relate to him and talk to him but still. I love him so much and I'm worried about how all this is affecting him.

Fiona, the counselor, was pretty nice. She talked more than the university counselor did and was more engaged it seemed. She's had sessions with my mom and John before. She said it would probably be a good idea to talk to my Mom and find out what's going on in regards to him. And to tell her how important family is to me and I don't want to lose what the three of us developed over the past three months. She said that it's their decision about staying together or not but it's up to me whether to talk to him or not. I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't think he's going to change and it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up and left again. Although he lost his job recently. I don't think that's a coincidence at all.

I really wish we all knew how to talk to each other. Communication is the biggest problem we have. And I think everything stems from that. So much easier said than done.

Other than that, I'm doing fine. I told her my depression hasn't really gotten much worse. I was terrible last year and just let everything slip away and I don't want to go through that again. I'm trying not to let him affect everything. I've been going to all my classes (mostly because they take attendance as part of my grade but it's good) talking to friends and going to the gym regularly. I think it's helped a lot.