It's hard to describe what I'm feeling right now.
The other night I was on the phone with Kris. My dad came through my room to tuck John in, he gave me this sad look and a kiss on the cheek. Remember, I haven't seen him in almost two and a half months. A few hours later I go up to the kitchen and I realize that it's midnight and that his car is still here. What the fuck is going on.
The next day at work I called my mom. She said that he had asked for forgiveness and I asked what that meant. Basically, now he's living here again. Just like that. It didn't take much. I am absolutely crushed. We all worked so hard to get to the point that we're at now. We're not great, but we were okay. We were independent and getting through it on our own terms. Now, he's come back to fuck it all up. I don't think I've ever been more honest with my mother before. It helped that it was over the phone. I said that I don't love him, he's not apart of my life at all and that I'm fine with that. I don't think he can change. This has happened THREE times in the past year that he was caught, felt bad, came to me crying and said he would change. Not once in all these years have I seen even a hint of improvement from him. I don't think he's going to change. I don't even know if he's capable of it. Of course John is elated about this. Every child will hope that their parents will get back together. I told her to be careful of what she's doing. Because if he goes through that again and he leaves, he will be even more messed up than he is now.
She didn't have a lot of answers for me. She was pretty silent through the whole thing actually. I think she wanted to agree with me but mostly all she said was "I have to follow my heart and forgive him" I don't even know how she could forgive him. Who knows how many times this has happened. And the way he treated her while he was gone was unbelievable. And now everthing is magically fixed? Now he's agreeing to get help? He's fucking lonely and scared. That doesn't count for anything.
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