The truth? I don't miss you.

I was dreading to go to the family dinner tonight for my dad's side of the family. Thankfully he wasn't there. Neither was my mom. The hugs were longer than normal. Afterwards I would see pity all over their faces. Don't even bother. It happened months ago and you weren't there for me then. I'll survive.

It could have bothered me that you weren't there. But I thought about it, and really there wasn't much of a difference. You would have been downstairs or on the computer isolating yourself. And wanting to leave straight after dinner. I can not stand how unsociable you are especially around your own family. I try so hard not to be like you.

our love's floating out the window

I still can't believe I'm back at work. I hope I've finally learned my lesson this time. So there's this rumor that I quit because I couldn't stand working with my ex-boyfriend Alex. Alex, who is a new manager and reminds me a whole lot of a rat, has talked to me maybe twice and I've never worked with him. Nicole is trying to figure out where it came from. But I'm pretty sure this is the first rumor I've been in. Also, a lot of the part-time crew hate me. They think I'm new (and magically know all the stations and in uniform?) and that I'm a bitch when I ask them to do stuff. It's pretty funny. I didn't bother to introduce myself to anyone so I can see where that came from. But I haven't been particularly rude to anyone besides two guys. Well, really it started off as me trying to joke around but with my sarcastic and dry sense of humor I'm pretty sure they took it the wrong way.. this guy Jem kept giving me attitude over it so I pulled him into the office and talked to him. I think he was surprised that I said anything so he didn't say much.

Oh! And the first time some of the part-timers saw me they were talking about me in the crew room trying to figure out who I was. Nathan told them and they were like "Her name is Siobhan? That's totally a black name." WTF! I was laughing over that for a good hour.

Some other quick updates that I don't really feel like writing much about:

• I lost my cell phone the other night. I fucking hate losing things. I know if I replace it it'll just turn up the next day.
• My laptop is going to cost $250 to fix because it's not covered on the warranty. Thanks.
• My Mom got a new job as a courier driver. I'm glad it's steady work and that it won't be so physical. I think she starts next month.
• We had our Christmas dinner for work last night. I was pissed because I was sitting at the end of the big ass table with the old people. All the cool people were in the middle and I couldn't hear their conversation. I got this sweet thai sesame chicken (hey it was free) and everyone else got like chicken and fries? Come on people. I wasn't apart of the secret santa (wasn't last year either) but Violet got me an Old Navy giftcard. Sweet. Jess told the servers that it was Amanda's birthday since she was at the head of the table and she freaked out haha. I'll post pictures when I get my freakin laptop back.

cash rules everything around me

My Mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. My Dad went back to Florida again this weekend to see the girl that he meet online. He went there for the first time like two weeks after he moved out. And once I found out that was going on, I was incredibly hurt. I haven't spoken to him since then. So anyway, he's there again. And yet, he constantly complains that he doesn't have any money. My Mom thinks he's going to move down there for good.

Even before this weekend though, she's been incredibly moody. Her moods can change in a split second. If she gets annoyed with me over whatever, she immediately says something like "you're not being nice to me! or you never help out around the house!" When really, all I do when she comes down to talk to me is listen to her. She doesn't ask me anything about what's going on like with work or how my exams went. And yeah, I'm not constantly cleaning up after myself but I go to school and I have a job? I pick up John from school all the time and do shit without being asked. It's just her way of blaming everything wrong on me. Which she's done for years.

Two nights ago she asked me to look over a profile that she had written for plentyoffish.com and I was just watching What Not to Wear because I was exhausted from working. I was like "uhh Mom that's kind of awkward for me to be doing". That's literally all I said. She went into John's room for a minute and came back with her face all red and yelling "don't ask me to help you out with anything!!" and slammed the door of my room so fucking hard. I wanted to scream at her but I started crying out of pure shock. I could not believe that she didn't understand how I didn't want to be involved with that aspect of her life. I've already told her that she should probably wait a while to even start thinking about that sort of thing. She's so childish and hard to talk to. I haven't talked to her since.

She went upstairs and started yelling at John for something or other. He came down and started saying that he hated her and wanted her out of his life. It killed me because they had just been to a counselling session that day. And even though she had listened to all the shit and pressure that he's going through she still did nothing to improve how she talks to him.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl

all the stars point me to you and lately they just drive me crazy

Updates:

I got 78% overall in social psychology.

John is worrying me and my mom is driving me crazy.
I made Malteaser Cookies but they aren't chocolate-y enough for me.

I'm cursed. I should drop out of school and realize my fate of becoming a lifer.

Matt Costa - Behind the Moon

waiting and hoping to find what i can't figure out yet

I went to the gym for the first time yesterday with my friend Nicole. She was trying to show me all these exercises and how to work out. I was like "I think everyone is looking and me and laughing" and she said "well, that's because they are!" I felt really pathetic. Some lady who must have been in her 60's at least was totally showing me up. And now today I'm sore all over. Does this happen every time after you work out? Because it really doesn't motivate me to go back again.

Today I wrote my last social psychology midterm. Some of the questions were pretty stupid and I feel like I guessed a lot. But it was the last day of classes! Then I went to pay for my $25 parking ticket and the lady was like do you PROMISE to pay and display? And then she didn't make me pay so I was happy.

Even though I don't talk to him anymore I dream almost every night that we get back together. What's the deal with that?

Straylight Run - Now it's Done

How did I spend my Saturday night? Watching American History X and baking these:

Banana Oatmeal Cookies
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

one day you'll be just like us

I'm actually really afraid of this happening. With a guy, or with anyone really.
I haven't done too much this week. I met with a lady to talk about majoring in social development studies and it looks like I'll have to go for four years and then a year of teacher's college. I'm kicking myself right now for not going to laurier. But oh well. We had to go over all of my marks and I was freaking out inside but she actually called me a bright student?! I mean, I was in high school but my marks have gone down dramatically since then. And I dropped tons of courses last year. She told me I should petition to drop my french course that I failed over the summer so that it won't affect my overall average. I got a bunch of brochures for teacher's colleges overseas. None of them say exactly how much it would cost but somewhere between $12,000 - $19,000 depending on the area I lived in. Damn, but apparently in Australia the costs of living are on par with Canada. It's a long way off but I like thinking about it.
Metric - The List

I went on a DATE last night. My first one ever. And boy was it awful.

First things first, when I went to pick him up (ps. he doesn't even have his g1 yet) he sees me and smacks his forehead. Which could mean one of two things: what the fuck have I gotten myself into? Or damn, I forgot how hot she is. I haven't decided which one it is yet.

So I knew this guy before he moved out west but we lost touch. We were friends before and I always felt a connection there. I was thinking things were going to be good, no problem.

We went to Molly Bloom's because Karina was working and I thought she could ease the tension a bit. Plus she wanted to be a creeper and spy on me. BUT I forgot that she told me it was college night, meaning the place was packed full of 19 year-old preppy guys and girls dressed like they were at a night club for cheap wings and beer and some kind of contest to win $1000. Great.

It took a good 20 minutes for our waitress to come over. During this time, he proceeded to tell me how things ended with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. Basically he lived with this girl for a year and a half. She worked at a daycare and wanted to become a teacher (okay.. souns like me..). But then she started babysitting this 5 year old kid and spending the night at this guy's house. He let this happen for a month and a half while his suspicions grew. But didn't talk to her about it. Okay. I can see where this is heading. Then she asks him to come home and the father is there (who is 40) and tells him it's over. So they get into a fight and he trashes his van. The whole time I'm like "oh.. that blows. ...So that's why you wanted to leave then?" What the hell do you expect me to say to that!

By this time his wings and beer have come (awesome) along with my undercooked fries. Karina's shift was over and I was like "hey you should invite Josh in and stay a while!" kicking her under the table and texting Josh. Thank god they stayed overwise I don't know what would have happened.

So the guys were all into watching the hockey game and I basically talked to Karina and ignored him. I just wasn't feeling it at all. I wanted to leave really bad. The conversation was all about him and he didn't ask me any questions about me at all.

Oh wait, sorry. He did ask me one question on the drive home. "So, uh, when do you have school tomorrow?" Um, are you joking? I was like "well I don't start till 2:30. But I go until 10pm. So it's a loooong day!"

He could probably tell I wasn't feeling it at all. I pulled up beside the complex and (while keeping my hands on the steering wheel and the car running) said "well it was nice seeing you!" He didn't try to make a move thank god. I think if he tries seeing me again I'll tell him he's a nice guy but I don't want to be some rebound. He's obviously bitter and not over his girlfriend at all.

His text message half an hour later: Good time thanks.

I know you want to make him see how much this pain hurts but you've got to walk away now

I did a paper last week on the Palace of Versailles. I'm pretty fascinated by it and I would love to actually see it. I got 80% on it! Which is amazing in university terms haha so I'm pretty excited.

The big man himself, King Louis XIV
The Hall of Mirrors (click for 360 view)

The Streets - Dry your Eyes Mate

I cried tonight for the first time since my dad left. Although it wasn't totally about that. I'm so tired of being alone. And having assholes get what they want. I cried for my mom, who put up with so much and went above and beyond for him only to have him leave her for some girl online. I cried for Rebeca, who did everything right and had her boyfriend of almost four years leave her for a 16-year-old. For Evey, who finally opened up to a guy for the first time and he starting liking someone else. And I cried for me.
Why does this pattern keep reoccuring. Why are guys so insensitive and selfish. I am so tired of seeing movies and commercials where everything is so perfect. There is no fairy tale ending. Fuck you. Nice girls finish last.

maybe this year will be better than the last

John's sick
New painting for the dining room

Christmas presents for my Mom

Counting Crows - A Long December

i need some distraction, oh beautiful release

I'm watching City of Angels.They played this song at Tiff's funeral and it's impossible to hear it without thinking of her. I went to Mel's Diner with Kris and Grant last night. Grant had been fighting with Caitlyn over something or other and for a time I was glad to be single and not have to put up with the constant fighting and bickering. Kris and I went out to Old Navy after for their big sale and he bought a ton of clothes. I had a good time. He reminds me of the way Bobbie used to be.

This Christmas is going to be rough. Whenever I watch tv with my Mom it's constantly playing Christmas commercials over and over. With images of the perfect family and the perfect couple. She's been trying to keep herself busy with getting the decorations together but I know it's hard for her. I guess it's better than her lying in bed just thinking about things.

Sarah McLachlan - In the Arms of an Angel

if you're well off, then i'm happysome for you but i'd rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you

I am SO close to being done with this semester. I'm very excited. I've worked my ass off and I could really use a break. I wrote two papers this week and now my sleeping schedule is all thrown off. Hopefully it'll be worth it. I still have two assignments for social work, a bonus paper for social psych and then three exams to study for. I got an A+ on my social work midterm!

My brother went to his first dance tonight at school. I picked him up and he told me that he was break-dancing and they played 'Kane West' and that 'Soulja Boy song that everybody loves'. Good lord.

I am loving these pj's
My recent purchases! The sweater and shirt are from H&M.

The hat makes me look 5 but I don't care.

The movie is my first present for my friend Rob.

Our as-of-yet undecorated tree.

I can't figure out the night setting on this camera,

I hate how these lights look yellow.

Grumpy Mr. Joe

Poor Allie has an ear infection :(

I started talking to Evey and Bobbie again around the same time, which is odd. I called Evey yesterday because this guy that she had been seeing told her out of the blue that he liked another girl. I feel really bad because it's the first time that she has let herself get close to a guy and that's how he treats her. She said she's glad we're talking now. Bobbie needed help (what a surprise). He could have easily found answers to his university questions by calling them or through a guidance counselor. He was like I know I only go to you for help but... I'm glad that he's finally admitted that but at least he could try and make things right. It's annoying but I'm not going to let myself get caught up in that again.

I still haven't talked to Brandon yet since he's been here. I guess we just aren't online at the same times. And I called East Side Mario's about the job and she was like "I'm just heading off to a meeting to set up an orientation for the people we decide to hire. we're going to call those people later" I love how you tell me you're going to tell me the next day to let me know, and now it's been over a week.

Rilo Kiley - Capturing Moods

I just had the most vivid dream. I was shot into the future and the whole time I was trying to figure out things. I knew I was going to wake up soon from my nap. My mother had re-married and was living in a nice house. But there was only two bedrooms and there were beds everywhere. I looked into the mirror and I was crying and had gained a lot of weight. Then my dad appeared and told me to go pick up pizza. He gave me the keys to a green car but I couldn't find it. When I pressed unlocked it would unlock any car around, including ones with people in them. I managed to get into this monster gigantic car and was driving around aimlessly. I tried texting someone (on a super tiny cell phone) asking if I was married but I woke up.

And then this morning I dreamed I was apart of the Office! I wish! So I stole Pam's cell phone to try to get Jim's number. Then I was telling Jim the office should come over to my place on Saturday for a party. I was in Michael's car in the parking lot with him so he could drive me home. We looked over and Pam was getting into Jim's car and they kissed. I died a little inside. They saw us watching and did the signature Jim shrug. Michael drove me home but he was really depressed and not his usual self. Actually, no it was supposed to be to my second job (I can't believe I had a second job in my dream) that was just down the street. But he just kept driving and wouldn't stop. He was being super creepy so I told him he had to stop and let me out I didn't care where I was.

but now I'm gold

I didn't get much accomplished today or yesterday. Even when I get extensions for papers I still leave them until the last minute! Urgh. I WILL work on them tonight after this post. I went out for dinner tonight at Kelsey's with Hayley. She gave me this picture frame and it's pretty cute. I feel so boring compared to her sometimes! She's like out dating and having fun and always has these crazy stories. I feel like nothing exciting happens to me. Oh, and I'm not sure if I got the job- have to call back on Wednesday? I dunno, it's weird. I really hope I get it though.

Last night was the last episode of the Office for a while :( That makes me really sad. Who knows when it's going to come back on again! I understand why they're striking. But it sucks that it happens now that I actually watch TV.

Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining

I have to write a paper about whether or not Scientology is a religion. What do YOU think?

if you want better things, go ahead

The highlight of my day:

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

So the lady was supposed to call before 2 today to let me know about the job. No word yet. I hate waiting. But oh well, the office will cheer me up.

Rilo Kiley - Go Ahead

The graffiti written on the bathroom stalls at school made me smile:

"HUNGER MAKES ME A MODERN WOMAN."

"Well, call me old-fashioned and hand me a burger!"

Just as I was least expecting it- a boy and a job!
Well, hopefully.

I lied, I can't write today I'm sorry. I found out that I have two midterms tomorrow instead of just the one that I was preparing for. So I'm trying my hardest not to get screwed over. On the plus side, I got new socks and these pillows! Which is ever so exciting. But I got bored while listening to my lecture online so enjoy.



It's getting really uncomfortable to be around my mom. I don't know what to say. She cries ALL the time. It's so awkward. And then it's even worse because she thinks I'm mad at her. God I sound like a bitch. We just watch tv, and even then I cringe because all of these things are reminding her of him. Like the commercial for SCOTT paper towels. And how on the Simpsons tonight Milhouse's parents got back together and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. And then Homer tried to look in their wedding album. Fuck.

just let it happen

I had my first bar experience tonight with Hayley. Let's just say it wasn't as glamorous as I was expecting. More pictures later from the girl who took pictures every two seconds! I promise to post tomorrow about what's going on.


+44 - Lycanthrope

I am seriously not enjoying life at all right now. I need to make a huge post explaining everything but I can't. It will make it all too real. I can't deal with my mom and my brother. All I can do is watch tv but I have two midterms and two papers due next week that I haven't started. Life is like a bad OC re-run.

smile for me now

Matthew Good Concert - November 1/07 in Waterloo

Matt Good - The Devil's in your Details

Happy Halloween

love is just a lyric

My dad is moving out.

I think subconsciously I've been waiting for this to happen ever since last summer. Nothing has changed and I'm not sure if it ever will. It's hard to remember a time when my parents were just happy. I've never looked up to their relationship and I'm afraid of turning into them.

Right now I'm more worried about my mom and John. Because I don't have any sort of relationship to him and I probably won't even notice that he's gone. But my mom is taking it really hard and I have no idea what to say. Last time she stayed in bed for three days. John doesn't know yet but my dad wants me to take him into work so he can find out what's going on. I'm really not looking forward to that. I'd rather just wait in the car. John will be crushed. He doesn't have much a relationship with him either but I know he'll be scared. I'm really afraid for him. I wish he had a better male role model.

Last night John, Steve, Holly and I went to Wonderland's Halloween Haunt. I had been wanting to go for a few years so it was nice to finally go with them. I wasn't really sure what to expect but they went all out. They had a bunch of mazes and haunted houses set up, decorations everywhere and all the staff was decked out in costumes. It was cold but worth it. And we went on the bungee jump! I loved it but it was so cold I could barely scream. We left Toronto around 12 and I was exhausted. I ended up missing two of my exits and it took twice as long to get home as it should have. I miss the days when I was a kid coming home from wonderland and could just pass out in the car. Anyway, it was really great seeing them and their new apartment.

I should probably post some pictures from their wedding last summer which I've been too lazy to do.

My cousin Peter!


My grandparents.
My uncle Rick and aunt Brigid

They were so cute!
I really like it when wedding pictures don't look super posed.
These wedding cakes were amazing. And some of the best cupcakes I've ever had. I want to get into baking just to make some.

They took lessons so the tango could be their first dance.