i know that i should let go, but i can't.

Fuck you insomnia.

I've had barely any sleep these past few days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, yet I can not fall asleep. I wish I had an off button. I read the most boring stuff I can find (and ended up reading 40 pages) and still nothing. My thoughts just keep going and going.

Everytime I see him I become slightly obsessed, I think. I don't even think I like him that way anymore. I just obsess over the details of our relationship. If I could have done something different to change things. And what things would be like now. Honestly, I think I just miss being a "we". When we were saying goodbye to Josh and Karina after lunch, he said "ok, we'll talk to you guys later." Which probably means nothing at all to a normal person, but it made me smile inside. How twisted is that?

And then he has to go and ask why I'm single. As if I have a choice in the matter. I try to play it off and act cool: "sometimes it's good to be single." I wonder how much of that is really true.

Do you ever think about me? (God, I'm so fucking awkward)
uh.. duh where else am I getting LOST?
look I do think about you that's a rhetorical question.
sorry I don't know why I asked that. But I mean, does it matter to you if we're friends? Or would you be indifferent about it?
I'd be indifferent about it, probably.
It's not like I would fall apart without your friendship.
hmm..
are you saying that it would be detrimental to your existence without me?
uh.. no. Obviously.

Little things really bother me. Fuck. I wish I could just stop and be his friend or nothing at all. But I can't decide which would hurt more. Maybe I have this small hope that we'll get back together or something. Which is totally unrealistic. But I mean, he was the first guy I really fell for. I gave him so much. And I don't think that can ever really go away no matter how much time passes.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

Kate Nash - Foundation

all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down

I just got in from taking Allie for a walk. It's always a little scary at night because my neighbourhood is sketchy but I find it so much more refreshing at night. A lot more peaceful and quiet for me to think.

I took Bobbie downtown today to get him a guitar. I never really know what to expect when we hang out. We either have really nice deep talks or it becomes this big battle over how we've differed since we've gone our separate ways. I find it amazing how two people can go from being best friends able to tell each other anything at all, bare each other's souls even to hostile and guarded strangers.

We were walking down King, talking about cults when we ran into Josh and Karina. She just got back from her job interview. We all ended up going out for lunch at the Duke Street Muse, this vegetarian place that I've been wanting to go to for a while. Karina recommended the vegetarian tuna sandwich and it was really good. The four of us ate alone in the basement surrounded by a murral and bright paintings. The conversation was simple and it came easy. It was nice, but at the same time it made me a little sad. I wish the four of us would have hung out together when we were dating. It sort of felt like we were together again for a bit but then I came back. It made me ache to have someone in my life again. For the easy and constant companionship. To always have someone there for me. After we said goodbye and he bought his guitar, I drove him home where Brooke was waiting for him. I joked that it must be serious now that she had the code to open the garage. It's hard to believe that they've been together for ten months. I feel like I've changed a lot since then. It's hard to put into words, but I can feel it. And that's why I don't regret the relationship.

Ben Harper - The Drugs Don't Work

when we was young, ah man did we have fun

Evey moved to North Bay last Friday. I was so sad when she left. She's been my best friend for a few years and during this past year I've come to depend on her a lot. For a while I was the only single friend that she had so we hung out a lot. I'm glad we got to do a lot of things together this summer. It's going to be tough to get used to the fact that I can't hang out with her whenever I want to.

We were hired at McDonald's at the same time. We were even trained together but we were both terrified so we didn't talk much haha. The first memory I have of her is we were getting trained on fries by Shick, with one of us packaging the fries and the other working the vats. Our hands were all covered in grease by the end of the shift, oh man.

I'm really afraid for this year. School can be a lonely place. My closest friends are gone away to school. If I don't stay in touch with them, I'm not sure what I'll do. At least Karina and Jess are staying in town. I need to make a strong effort to talk to them, otherwise I will drive myself crazy with school/loneliness. I have a hard enough time keeping friends as it is, I need to keep the friendships that I do have. Maybe I should join a club or something?



"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"


The Strokes - Someday