i know that i should let go, but i can't.

Fuck you insomnia.

I've had barely any sleep these past few days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, yet I can not fall asleep. I wish I had an off button. I read the most boring stuff I can find (and ended up reading 40 pages) and still nothing. My thoughts just keep going and going.

Everytime I see him I become slightly obsessed, I think. I don't even think I like him that way anymore. I just obsess over the details of our relationship. If I could have done something different to change things. And what things would be like now. Honestly, I think I just miss being a "we". When we were saying goodbye to Josh and Karina after lunch, he said "ok, we'll talk to you guys later." Which probably means nothing at all to a normal person, but it made me smile inside. How twisted is that?

And then he has to go and ask why I'm single. As if I have a choice in the matter. I try to play it off and act cool: "sometimes it's good to be single." I wonder how much of that is really true.

Do you ever think about me? (God, I'm so fucking awkward)
uh.. duh where else am I getting LOST?
look I do think about you that's a rhetorical question.
sorry I don't know why I asked that. But I mean, does it matter to you if we're friends? Or would you be indifferent about it?
I'd be indifferent about it, probably.
It's not like I would fall apart without your friendship.
hmm..
are you saying that it would be detrimental to your existence without me?
uh.. no. Obviously.

Little things really bother me. Fuck. I wish I could just stop and be his friend or nothing at all. But I can't decide which would hurt more. Maybe I have this small hope that we'll get back together or something. Which is totally unrealistic. But I mean, he was the first guy I really fell for. I gave him so much. And I don't think that can ever really go away no matter how much time passes.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

Kate Nash - Foundation