Jessica broke up with Kris yesterday. Which isn't all that surprising after what she told me at lunch. But it must have been a total shock for him. I feel so bad because he's such a nice guy but it was pretty much all about the age difference and how can he help that.

I called her right when I found out. She was on her way to a club and sounded totally fine. I was like umm.. has it not sunk in yet? (Because it always takes ages for stuff to really hit me) and she was like no I cried before and after the phone call then I was fine. Wow, don't I feel pathetic.

Last night I went out to dinner with Hayley. I've known her since grade nine applied french class. I don't really talk to her much. She's going to school in Brantford for her BA and BED. She has eight courses and I don't know how she handles all that plus teaching. She's gone through a lot. In some ways I could relate but most of the time I was just thinking wow.. maybe I don't have it so bad after all.

I started talking to Evey tonight because she was too immature to start. She got all defensive and super pissed off. And I was like hey, if you really were busy and not just ignoring me, you shouldn't be so angry. She said well I'm not going to apologize for being busy. Yes but you should apologize for not responding to me for weeks?! That's just rude. I'm pretty sure she thinks that I'm needy and is freaked out by it. Because in the past when she feels like that with people she just pushes them away. She didn't bother to put herself in my shoes after she and my other close friends had moved away and how I was probably freaking out and missing them. I haven't even told her I have depression. Anyway, I hope I get over it. I guess she has this new life now but it won't be the same when she gets home.

now the music is playing on our time

My dream last night (or rather, this morning):

My entire family and I are at some kind of movie premiere. We have seats right beside the red carpet so we can see everyone entering. I have a new camera (probably because I want a better camera for my birthday) that I'm trying to figure out. I desperately try to take a picture of Harry Potter and his posse, who patiently wait for me to take it. Daniel Radcliffe is giving me the finger which I find rude but I take it anyway. When I try to review it in the camera I find it didn't work and I start crying. Now nobody will believe I saw him!

My dreams are usually far more complex and funnier than this but I can't remember much of it now.

Against Me - Thrash Unreal

you don't know it's right until it's wrong

I went into videoscene today to get Knocked Up and The 40-year Old Virgin. Bobbie cut his hair really short and it almost looks like he has a faux hawk. It's funny to think now that his hair was down to his shoulders when I met him. He looked scary skinny. Maybe it's just because he wears tighter clothes and capri-like jeans with his boxers sticking out.. I told him I wished he could see himself from other people's perspective. He doesn't consider me to be his friend (he says his only friends are Brooke and Karina). Which sucks because I sort of miss his friendship. I mean, I miss the intelligent conversations (whenever I try to talk to my Mom she just stares back at me and is totally unresponsive). And I say sort of because he seems to think friendship means bashing each other's lifestyles and being judgemental. I usually get really down on myself after we talk. He always asks what I'm doing with my life and why I don't have a boyfriend. He makes me feel inadequate and boring. I try to fight back but after a while I just give up. He said he realized that drinking all the time isn't productive and that he could be doing more meaningful things with his time. I looked at him increduously (but doubtfully because he tends to say these sorts of things very hypocritically) and said "I've waited a while to hear you say that" and he immediately shoots back with "you've wasted your teenage years and now you're so locked into your future that you can't afford to fuck up."
I drove home feeling empty. I was hoping my mom would be home so I could watch one of the movies with her and avoid crying but she wasn't. I really need a job to occupy my time and feel a sense of purpose.

Thursday is going to be an awesome TV night. Jim + Pam and George + Izzie all in one night?! It's almost too much for one to handle.


Josh Ritter - Come and Find Me

I met up with Jessica for lunch today at East Side Mario's. It was nice to catch up with her even if only for an hour. She was tellin me that Jess Grant, a girl I used to work with, constantly calls her and wonders why nobody likes her. She's sent me a couple of messages on facebook saying we should hang out or go job hunting together. I haven't responded because I don't really care for her much and we've never hung out before. But she doesn't seem to get the hint and just keeps trying. And on top of that she sets her status to "my biggest pet peave is when people don't reply" and "i'm starting to think i smell or something." I'm not one to fake liking somebody and I just wish she would accept that you can't be good friends with everybody. It just made things weird because that's what Evey did to me too- not responding and setting her status to away. She still hasn't talked to me. I'm worried because if she's acting like this the first month that she's away what's it going to be like after a year when she comes home for the summer?



Anyway, she said she's not sure if she wants to stay with Kris or be with this new guy she met from school. I feel bad because Kris is a really nice guy but he's only in grade eleven. I don't think she'll be able to get past the age difference especially since she's trying to make the transition into college. And she's already starting to get irritated with him which can't be a good sign. She asked me what I should do but I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything since I'm friends with Kris. I wish this was the kind of problem I was having..

and i need to patient, and i need to be brave

-----Email Message-----

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 6:20 PM

Subject: No Phone Calls

Dear Frank,

I feel the same way. I often wonder why I even have a phone because I rarely receive calls. If there was a way we could contact each other that would be cool. My phone number is 605-212-7787 (with permission).

Sincerely,

Ryan (with permission)

-----Email Message------

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 9:26 PM

Subject: I Called Ryan

Frank,

Earlier today, I saw the secret about having the cool toy iPhone and still not getting any calls and it resonated with me. I couldn't believe when I checked later this evening and saw the message from Ryan, including his phone number. It's pretty gutsy to have your private phone number published on a website that people read worldwide. I decided to call. Immediately I was glad I had. Ryan answered by the third ring, and was so excited, so high on life, that it made me smile and has left me smiling ever since, something that's been rare for me lately.That South Dakotan stranger has heard from people from around the world, wishing him well, and reaching out to a person who was brave enough to admit they, too, were lonely. I hoped to help him smile and feel like he mattered and that people are basically good; yet those were the things our brief conversation gave to me.

~Jodi

-----Email Message------

Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2007 11:26 PM

Subject: I Called Ryan

How hopeful that Ryan's voice mail is now full.

I text messaged him saying "You're not alone. I hope you have an awesome day! -Siobhan from Canada." And I found this right after on lj:

so uh. i just texted this guy and told him to have an amazing day. i hope i cheered him up. but now i'm beginning to think...maybe a million other people already beat me to it, and now he's just going to have an enormous phone bill to pay :/

KT Tunstall - Minature Disasters

TLC loves airing shows about 'unique' families. I've seen the Duggars, but they're pretty crazy. 17 kids and basically the mother is always pregnant. Fuck I can not even imagine that. Plus all of the kids names start with J... The mother explains it as "saying there's too many children is like saying there's too many flowers"

I just finished watching "Our 27 Kids". Now this family didn't seem so insane. The parents have 4 biological children and the rest are adopted. The 23 kids are either mentally or developmentally challenged. It was truly amazing to see something that seems so impossible. It was so heartwarming but incredibly sad at the same time. This 30 year old boy Jimmy had both down syndrome and autism and had no way of communication. The mom said she felt like there was a person deep inside of him that was trying to talk and reach out but the body just wasn't cooperating.

i can't even hear myself think

I "unofficially" got 41% in french and 65% in philosophy. Fuuuuckkkk.

I. hate. life.

I haven't been sleeping or eating very well lately and I look like crap. Also, I haven't had my medication in a few days so I'm all disoriented. Did I mention that my fridge is broken? It sucks.

I confronted Evey yesterday and she was like "wow I don't know what to say to that." No excuses or apologies. What the fuck.

KT Tunstall - Under The Weather

how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down

I've spent the better part of today and last night playing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Umm, it's pretty awesome. Considering I'm a baby and only play adventure type of games. The last time I played anything it was probably Spyro haha. But my eyes get sore after a while. I love how John can get away with playing games all day and I'm the one with glasses because I read. Funny how that works.

Evey has been super weird towards me. Whenever we talk I've started the conversation every time. Which starts to bother me after a while because I start to feel needy and desperate. I thought we were best friends but she's been ignoring me. And I would completely understand if she was busy with school or making new friends or whatever but clearly from facebook and msn she's been talking to msn. When I go online she coincidentally goes to 'away'. I don't understand what's going on and it's really starting to piss me off.

Anyway, I came across this article. Fucking pathetic. Seriously, what is America coming to?

Tegan & Sara - Where does the Good Go?

you can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting

These are from my developmental psychology class. Normally I would think they're odd and alien like. But for some reason I was in awe. Like a new-found appreciation.

This is Jaiden, Ashley's baby. He was born a few weeks ago.
Army of Me - Going through Changes

i know that i should let go, but i can't.

Fuck you insomnia.

I've had barely any sleep these past few days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, yet I can not fall asleep. I wish I had an off button. I read the most boring stuff I can find (and ended up reading 40 pages) and still nothing. My thoughts just keep going and going.

Everytime I see him I become slightly obsessed, I think. I don't even think I like him that way anymore. I just obsess over the details of our relationship. If I could have done something different to change things. And what things would be like now. Honestly, I think I just miss being a "we". When we were saying goodbye to Josh and Karina after lunch, he said "ok, we'll talk to you guys later." Which probably means nothing at all to a normal person, but it made me smile inside. How twisted is that?

And then he has to go and ask why I'm single. As if I have a choice in the matter. I try to play it off and act cool: "sometimes it's good to be single." I wonder how much of that is really true.

Do you ever think about me? (God, I'm so fucking awkward)
uh.. duh where else am I getting LOST?
look I do think about you that's a rhetorical question.
sorry I don't know why I asked that. But I mean, does it matter to you if we're friends? Or would you be indifferent about it?
I'd be indifferent about it, probably.
It's not like I would fall apart without your friendship.
hmm..
are you saying that it would be detrimental to your existence without me?
uh.. no. Obviously.

Little things really bother me. Fuck. I wish I could just stop and be his friend or nothing at all. But I can't decide which would hurt more. Maybe I have this small hope that we'll get back together or something. Which is totally unrealistic. But I mean, he was the first guy I really fell for. I gave him so much. And I don't think that can ever really go away no matter how much time passes.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

Kate Nash - Foundation

all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down

I just got in from taking Allie for a walk. It's always a little scary at night because my neighbourhood is sketchy but I find it so much more refreshing at night. A lot more peaceful and quiet for me to think.

I took Bobbie downtown today to get him a guitar. I never really know what to expect when we hang out. We either have really nice deep talks or it becomes this big battle over how we've differed since we've gone our separate ways. I find it amazing how two people can go from being best friends able to tell each other anything at all, bare each other's souls even to hostile and guarded strangers.

We were walking down King, talking about cults when we ran into Josh and Karina. She just got back from her job interview. We all ended up going out for lunch at the Duke Street Muse, this vegetarian place that I've been wanting to go to for a while. Karina recommended the vegetarian tuna sandwich and it was really good. The four of us ate alone in the basement surrounded by a murral and bright paintings. The conversation was simple and it came easy. It was nice, but at the same time it made me a little sad. I wish the four of us would have hung out together when we were dating. It sort of felt like we were together again for a bit but then I came back. It made me ache to have someone in my life again. For the easy and constant companionship. To always have someone there for me. After we said goodbye and he bought his guitar, I drove him home where Brooke was waiting for him. I joked that it must be serious now that she had the code to open the garage. It's hard to believe that they've been together for ten months. I feel like I've changed a lot since then. It's hard to put into words, but I can feel it. And that's why I don't regret the relationship.

Ben Harper - The Drugs Don't Work

the only way out is to give in

Yesterday I had an interview at the Charcoal Steakhouse. Basically, it would have been the perfect place for me to work at. Right down the street, beautiful restaurant, lots of people my age, classy and good tips+. My mom's friend Amber has been trying to get me to work there for a while. I finally gave in and it became this huge ordeal. I dropped off my resume last Tuesday and I had this mini-interview with this guy Dave. He made it sound like he would call me back with the next day or two for sure. A week later and still no word from him. I called back everyday until finally I set up an interview with Mariam. I spend all this time getting ready, preparing what I'm going to say and I was there for less than 20 minutes. She asked me questions like "what would you do if a customer was complaining about wait times?" and "how would you maintain food cleanliness?" and I'm freaking out inside because I know how hard it is to get a job there. She went on to say that usually people needed a year's experience serving at a previous restaurant. Which is understandable, but I was a manager at a restaurant for god's sake. Not exactly the same thing, but still I should have been able to get my foot in the door. I don't see why I was called in for an interview because clearly I don't have the experience that they're looking for and there "might" be a hostessing position available. I was really bummed out because it was such a waste of my time that could have been spent getting other jobs. But of course I had faith I would get this one. Everytime I told someone about the interview they were like "oh you have so much experience, you'll get it for sure!" So much for that. I've been unemployed for almost a month now! I'm not compltely broke or anything but paying my $2683.15 fall tuition hurt.

On an unrelated note, we finally got the basement carpeted. It looks a lot better now but it still smells. Oh, and I realized that we have a cold cellar. Which is fucking creepy.

I have a sociology of cults class which I find really fascinating. The prof wrote our text book Comprending Cults and edited our other text and I find that really impressive. Anyway, he talked about The Family, a cult formed in the 1960's. I was reading into it the other night and I got really freaked out. Basically they believe that God created sex so it's beautiful and literally 'spread the love'. The part I found really sad and disturbing though, was the story of Davidito or Ricky Rodriguez. He was the son of the founder and was made to be an example of child rearing. There's this 700+ page book describing his life and upbringing that was circulated among the family. He was made out to have such a beautiful life, but wow. The things that he went through are unimaginable. It's no wonder how depressed he was later in life, and after leaving the religion as an adult he committed suicide. I think this might have been the most disturbing thing I've ever read. I was so sad and creeped out I didn't know what to do with myself.

Metric - Empty

that that don't kill me can only make me stronger

Wow, I have some catching up to do. Here's pictures from my room. I got really bored of it one day and decided to redo it. It was like a beach theme but I felt like I outgrew it.

I still have to print some pictures for the frame and find a nice poster to put up. Some pillows would be nice too. I got most of my things for Pier One and Urban Outfitters.

Kanye West - Stronger

we live in a beautiful world

These are some pictures that I took on the last day of Summer Playground. I was a leader there for 6 weeks with Adam. We looked after 6-8 year olds in the mornings and afternoons. It was a fairly good experience. I learned a lot about holding kid's attention, having the right enthusiasm and how to plan and lead games and activities.

Frog cupcakes!!

There weren't many kids left for the end of the summer.

Here it was pajama party day.

Mattea (far left) was a horse (her favourite animal).

She was cute but a lot to handle.

"Do a funny face!"

The gym that we played in. It got unbearably hot most days.

The playground. On the pavement we drew with chalk a lot.

Most of the kids played tick-tack-toe or drew outlines of themselves.

Or we would play with bubbles with my kick-ass bubble machine.

5,000 bubbles a minute for 20 bucks.

This is Erin and Laura (cousins).

Erin was a floater and Laura was my assistant coordinator.

Val was our coordinator.

She's probably the most enthusiastic person I've ever met- in a good way.

Coldplay - Don't Panic

when we was young, ah man did we have fun

Evey moved to North Bay last Friday. I was so sad when she left. She's been my best friend for a few years and during this past year I've come to depend on her a lot. For a while I was the only single friend that she had so we hung out a lot. I'm glad we got to do a lot of things together this summer. It's going to be tough to get used to the fact that I can't hang out with her whenever I want to.

We were hired at McDonald's at the same time. We were even trained together but we were both terrified so we didn't talk much haha. The first memory I have of her is we were getting trained on fries by Shick, with one of us packaging the fries and the other working the vats. Our hands were all covered in grease by the end of the shift, oh man.

I'm really afraid for this year. School can be a lonely place. My closest friends are gone away to school. If I don't stay in touch with them, I'm not sure what I'll do. At least Karina and Jess are staying in town. I need to make a strong effort to talk to them, otherwise I will drive myself crazy with school/loneliness. I have a hard enough time keeping friends as it is, I need to keep the friendships that I do have. Maybe I should join a club or something?



"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"


The Strokes - Someday